Addiction, Consider yourself Pitted

The BBQ Pit
21

Yes. I’ve been there. I… we… HE won. He’s been clean three years. I trust him again - even when I don’t know where he is. Did it take a lot to get there? Oh, yes.

Expect relaspes. They’re a normal part of the process and will do more to scare him straight than anything else. When he realizes deep in his gut that he cannot do just one hit, that he cannot exert any self-control once he has had the first taste, that his promises are powerless once the drug is in him - well, that scares people. Hopefully it will be enough. Make sure that relaspes, if any, are coming progressively less often, but if your gut tells you it’s time to bail, do it without pause or remorse.

They will tell you that only the addict can decide that it’s time to stop. This is true. This does not mean that you can’t help. In my relationship, I took absolute control over both time and money. He had to tell me where he was and confirm his location. He was given a small amount of spending money each day, and he had to bring me reciepts for everything. I monitered his checking, savings, and credit accounts. Now, of course he could have gotten around this - I can think of a dozen creative ways - but the simple barriers that this process created reinforced his decision to stop using and helped him when he was weak. He still thanks me.

Go ahead and be angry at the addiction. Drugs are fun, and many people use them without consequence. It is NOT FAIR that a small bit of fun can have such appalling destructive power. It is NOT FAIR that random evolutionary events can have created plants that, through no desire of their own, can subvert and destroy human minds.

I’m sorry that this has happened to you, or to me, or to all of the people it will still happen to. Good luck. Do what is right for you. If together you can fight it and win, kudos. If the addiction is too much, REST EASY. You tried. There is no shame in losing to an opponent bigger and stronger than you, and it was not your choices that made it so.

If I can be of any help, email me (it’s in my profile).

mischievous

22

As I figured, all hot air.

23

As I understand it, geographical escape isn’t always very helpful. It may cause an increase in the feeling of isolation, for one thing. And it’s pretty easy to find drugs anywhere these days.

'Course, it may work for the OP. You never know.

With that said, I just want to send my sincerest wishes for continued recovery to Auntbeast and her family. Stay strong, good luck, and may your life get better every day.

24

Wow, I didn’t really consider getting replies. Thank you all.

Unfortunately, the Nar-Anon meeting is only held once a week, and it’s a night that I work. I did go to their website and tried out there community, but it seemed like the vast majority of people there were dealing with current drug users or had a zero tolerance for supporting someone who is actively fighting their addiction. Also, it seemed there was way too much, “it has to be about you, screw them, you work your own 12 steps” considering that I was completely unaware of his addiction until he told me.

I am extraordinarily thankful that I did not have to live one day knowing that he was using, and that when he came to me, he came to me to help him stop, not to tell me he was going to continue using.

Trying to be supportive of everyone he hurt or everyone that is pissed at him for what he did to me and my daughter, is tiring at best. I have turned into George Bush, you are either on our side, or you are terrorists, get with me and the kid or get the hell out.

I have been so afraid to let out the anger, afraid that it would not stop, that it would consume me, I have held it in. Lately though, it is coming through and that scares me too. Having a place like the pit to just scream you pain to the little 1’s and 0’s without having to worry about anyone elses feelings is wonderful. Long live the Pit!

To answer a few posts, my husband knows he has no cards left, and that if he uses, he can’t be here. He also knows that I will be waiting for him when he is clean and I don’t care if it’s tomorrow, or in 60 years. The first 11 years was the best 11 years of my life, until the last 60 days.

I spent most of my life in therapy, and believe in it. I also live by the rule “that which doesn’t kill you only serves to make you stronger.” Day to day, I am doing well, I know where the responsibility lies, I know what I need to do, what I need to watch out for, and exactly how vulnerable I am. A thousand horses couldn’t keep him in this house if he uses again. Sometimes, though, I get weak.

It could have been much worse, much, much worse. He is alive and doing everything possible to remedy the damage. My bleeding edge of technology, uber geek husband lives for each key tag he earns. He submits to random drug tests, his only emotion is sadness to have to put me through it. He’s working 70+ hours a week and attending meetings regularly. At this point, I can’t ask for much more.

We do have a home in North Carolina, and I have talked to him about moving us up there, it does not have a mortgage and would certainly ease our stress load, it is still in the air as we have to get this mortgage caught up (I get to pay Decembers mortgage payment and maybe January’s tomorrow). Fortunately, his drug of choice was not a social drug, he was taking methadone (yes, my idiot husband didn’t do the drug, he did the drug they use to get you off the drugs) and was taking 150-200mg a day, but it was essentially a couple of pills and his drug dealer was around the corner from the 7-11 and he could get his pills faster than he could get a burger from McDonalds. He knows no one else who sells it.

The day he told me, my first response was to get him to a meeting, my second was that he was lying by at least half at the amount he said he was doing, both were spot on.

I know if it wasn’t me, I’d be the first person to say “sell his shit and change the locks” and I understand that sentiment. The decision to give him the help he asked for wasn’t easy, it still isn’t, and I am not certain I can continue, but today, this minute, I can. I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow. If drug addiction and pregnancy taught me anything, it’s that you just don’t know until it happens to you, so be really freakin’ careful.

I really didn’t expect any responses at all, I have been a long time lurker and finally joined up a few days ago, I don’t have much cash, to say the least, but just having a place that lets you scream, and yet people still whisper kindly back, was worth every dime.

This is truly a wonderful place.
Thank you.

btw, my daughters name is Katie, she may not know what you have done for me, but you have helped her too.

25

I know how you feel. Please come here and vent any time.

26

One more Doper pulling for your family.

Fight on!

27

I really hope he’s got the strength to fight it, and that you have the strength and love to help him if you can, too. Please take care of yourself and Katie.

28

Hey asshole. You got a beef with me…lay it out. If not, fuck off.

29

Sure, just explain post #12, thats all. :slight_smile:

30

She doesn’t want to leave her husband. Her husband may very well fall off the wagon (it happens to most addicts). Advising her to leave someone who’s truly addicted, when she doesn’t want the marriage to end, is unrealistic advice…both to her and for her husband.

31

See? That was so reasonable; you should’ve posted that instead of some gratuitous insult with roll eyes.
I am glad her husband is clean now. In some cases, the person keeps going back, over and over, and in those cases, its best to leave for the sake of one’s mental health. I didn’t mean it specifically to her, my mistake.

32

Hang tough little lady. You are doing good.

Sounds like you have a plan and know what you are dealing with.

You are correct, it is your path and you are the one to walk it.

14+ years clean and sober here. Having people believe in me helped.

Having people I loved tell me how the cow eats the cabbage also helped.

Keep on keepin on and keep on coming back here.

It takes whatever it takes…

33

It wasn’t gratuitous. It was a response to a blanket statement that did not reflect an understanding of the poster’s dedication to her husband, her marriage, her family, or the fight she’s chosen to undertake. These points were so obvious that I figured you simply hadn’t read the post.

34

Attagirl, Auntbeast!

35

To the strongest, most amazing, talented, fiery, courageous woman I’ve ever known…you are more than a aunt, but an Auntbeast roar :wink: and I am proud to have had you enter my life as a friend.

There is nothing more deflating than having addiction fuck up our lives, whether sex, drugs or alcohol and if anyone can overcome this little blerp of life, you can.

You are an incredible human being with the strength of a thousand lions and this is NOT going to keep you from having that wonderful life that you’ve fought so hard to have…especially now, with that sweet little goddess warrior you care for everyday. She will give you strength and guide you and has all the answers you need…

Follow your heart and create that safe, healthy environment you two deserve…if he chooses to join you and recreate what he once did, then fantastic…but if his selfish pull overrides him again, well, you know what to do…

I have faith in you and your decisions and to be honest, I’m grateful that this is happening to you and not one of my other friends who would have crumbled and crashed by now…

I love you…Kim

36

Jesus, get a room. Can a mod please move this to MPSIMS before I puke my guts out?

37

I was married to an addict - he managed to keep the use down and secret from me for at least a year. He lied about so much but I was prepared to work with him to stay together. Eventually after telling me the pressure was too much, he started an affair - he is still with her - she lets him use but apparently doesn’t like it! I am not in any way suggesting this may happen to you. My ex finally went to see a psychologist (after I’d begged him for ages), who helped to a point, but then told him she couldn’t help him until he wanted to help himself and give up dope.
You are way ahead of this. What I wanted to ask was, what happened to make him start in the first place, and do you have measures in place to deal with the underlying cause - if you had 11 years without it?