I’m an RA (resident advisor) in a large university. Last night at 2:30 AM, I was sound asleep when I heard pounding on my door. I’m thinking to myself, “oh shit, someone’s in trouble.” Not really, we’ve got electronic door keys and someone has just locked themselves out of their room. Well crap, we haven’t been trained to produce spare keys for the electronic locks yet (stupid housing!). I groggily fumble my way up to the office and fuck around with the system for five minutes. Fortunately, producing new electronic keys is something which you could probably train a monkey with a closed headwound to do so you’ve got a decent chance of training a sleepy RA to do it. I’m all ready to go, I just need to know what room to code the key for.
Unfortunately, this particular student is not only stupid enough to lock himself out at 2:30 AM, he’s also got an attention span shorter than a goldfish. He’s apparently wandered off somewhere. I start running all over the building to find him. Eventually I locate him next to his door chatting with two young women. Good thing he fucking bothered to tell me which room he was in before running off to sit patiently by his door for god knows what. I corale him back to the office.
Here’s my first tip to freshmen: “If you awaken someone at 2:30 AM in the fucking morning to help you with your problem, have the courtesy to stick around for 5 minutes to help that person resolve that problem for you.”
Anyway, we get his key coded, I walk back to his room, I counsel him on how he can throw his deadbolt to keep the door from locking automaticaly on him if he goes to the bathroom, I implore him to be careful with his keys, and I bid him good night. Another freshman bundled up safe and warm in their dorm room with their teddy bear in one arm and a thumb in their mouth, all in a fashion that even our most neurotic, overbearing, and constantly intervening parents would be happy to see.
6:45 AM. Pound pound pound. Said freshman has locked himself out of his room. Again. For the second time in a five hour window. He shouldn have even been awake again in that period, let alone capable of locking himself out of his room again. Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ. In my own little ideal world this is how such a situation would play out:
“Admissions office? It’s agent B017. We’ve got a live one. ‘Too fuckin’ stupid to be in college.’ Security code Omega-6.”
“Understood. We’ll have someone right over.”
Five minutes later, the campus police arrive and take said student to a plastic padded room where he cannot hurt himself or annoy other people.
The next morning an advisor calls the student’s parents. “Mr. and Ms. Dumbass? We’re going to be refunding your tuition check. Unfortanately your son, Little Dumbass, is just too stupid for college. You’ll need to come pick him up right away.”
What do you guys think, shouldn’t RA’s have the power? We’ll raise the test scores for everyone else!