I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more tightly-grasped straw in my whole life.
Strange, my sister raised four orphan cousins who all had a sense of belonging and permanence even if they had no parents. And as I have said earlier it never occurred to me growing up that I needed two specific people to address as mom and dad to be secure and cared for.
You. Are. Not. The. Norm.
The view of family that you’ve shown in this thread is completely alien to me. I don’t begrudge you your childhood raised by multiple people. I don’t even think that’s a bad thing to happen to a child. But it isn’t what most people in the Western world experience, so why are you so insistent that it’s the correct way and we must toss decades of common family norms out the window for it?
I always thought the point about adopting was that you wanted to help a child that had no relatives to care for him or her. That you sincerely loved that child, not that you only conditionally loved that child if they agreed to call you mom or dad. And what the heck, is wrong with the word Guardian. I think it’s one of the most beautiful words in the English language. It says to a child, I will “guard” you and take care of you, not out of family duty, but because I love you.
Actually, read up on the history of adoption, the family norm you are describing is fairly new.
No, we covered this already…the point of adopting is usually NOT to help a child that had no relatives to care for him and her. Sure, SOME people do it for that reason, and some people do it due to circumstance (like a sibling or cousin dies and they take in the child), but most people who adopt do so because they want to become parents. Most people adopt after they’ve already tried to have biological children and couldn’t. The sincere love you speak of applies to both biological and adopted children, so the parental terms of endearment apply to both, as well.
That’s why I said “decades” instead of “centuries”. It USED to be that adoption was considered shameful somehow, but it’s not that way now. No one really has to hide it.
But adopted parents being called “Mom” and “Dad” isn’t hiding anything. It’s what you call parents. And adopted parents are parents, period. You keep trying to create this huge divide between adopted parents and natural parents and there really isn’t one. Parents are parents.
You don’t love the child BECAUSE they call you Mom or Dad. It’s because you love them that you and the child use those words.
Have you ever had a significant other? Did you ever call him/her, “Baby,” or “Honey” or any endearment? And if so, was it that you had to use those words or else love would be with held…or more that it was an expression of love?
So just for honesty’s sake, I should keep a t-shirt handy to wear sometimes that reads, “I went swimming today in a public pool. I may, therefore, be considered ritually unclean by some religions. Warning: I may have shared swimming water with one who is illegitimate, remarried after divorce, or other ‘unclean’ circumstances.”
Oooookay…
I briefly - very briefly - thought of calling my mom and dad by their given names when I was in my rebellious teen years. I mean, they weren’t (aren’t) my real parents. Then I realized that despite not being related to them biologically, they were my parents in every way. Somewhere I have bio-parents without whom I would not exist. I wouldn’t say they’re not important, but they’re irrelevant. Without the people I call my mom and dad I wouldn’t be the person I am today and that’s why they’re my parents.
The majority of TheKids’ friends call me Mom, not because I’ve demanded it of them, but because they choose to. Should I tell them to stop? One friend said she does it because I will listen to her when her parents won’t. Another said it’s a sign of respect and he feels more comfortable at my house than he does at his own. His mom has told me it makes her uncomfortable, but that’s between the two of them. I suggested he call me “Auntie” instead, but he still calls me Mom.
http://cnn.com/video/?/video/us/2010/01/19/natpkg.haiti.orphan.arrival.cnn
More fiction of adoption.
And because we wake our child up in the morning, and put him to bed at night. Because we kiss his scrapes and bruises and make them better. Because when he wakes up crying in the middle of the night, we rock him back to sleep. Because we teach him to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ Because when he first sings “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” all the way through, it brings tears to our eyes.
That’s the beginning of a long, long list, but you get the idea.
Yeah, we think that because we do these things, we get to call ourselves ‘mom’ and ‘dad.’ Just like any other parents.
Wow. My grandfather, who remembered the orphan trains, did treat me and my cousin (also adopted) differently - and was fairly upfront about it. He believed that without the kindness of our parents we would have been throwaways, and who knows? That could have occurred. While he spoiled us more than our biologically related siblings, it was with the understanding that we were to give up our lives in thanks for our parents’ benevolence. My mom and dad went with what he said - until we were out of earshot, when they would remind me they loved me as much as they loved my sister and that was that.
That said, I suppose I should unearth my “I’m a bastard” shirt. Since TheKid was born out of wedlock, I should get her one too, just to make sure everyone knows.
That really, really bothers me. It sounds like using a child to fulfill adult desires, not what’s best for the child.
Done tons of that stuff for nephews, nieces, cousins, and friends kids. It never occurred to me I should require them to call me, mother.
Most people come to the opposite conclusion, actually–that adopting a child to do it a favor is the wrong reason. If you genuinely want a child and can care for it, you should have one, whether it’s a biological or adopted child. But saying that you’re adopting this child out of the goodness of your heart–that’s kind of putting a heavy burden on the kid. Like saying they’re a charity act, not a child. I think most adopted parents don’t see them this way. They’re a child they love–it doesn’t matter that there’s no biological relation.
What Shodan said.
Are you a parent yourself? For someone who styles herself “a wise woman”, you don’t seem to have much insight into the parental bond.
Taking care of a child is both selfish AND selfless. It satisfies (for many of us) a deep emotional need, AND it is also a huge and serious responsibility.
What IS best for the child, ZPG Zealot? Making sure they feel like outsiders who don’t really belong in the family their entire lives? Making sure to treat them differently than you would your own natural children? Making sure they don’t get too familiar with the adopted parents, since they’re not those people’s REAL children?
Let me tell you my perspective, and it’s one that comes from someone who is neither adopted nor who has actually adopted (or had children at all). My perspective is that, once the adoption is finalized, there is no difference between an adopted child and a natural child, period. None. No difference at all. That child is the offspring of the adoptive couple every bit as much as a natural child of their bodies would be. Frankly, I consider that the only healthy attitude an adoptive family can possibly have.
Really? You wake them up every morning, and put them to bed every night? And do all the everyday stuff in between?
I think if you did so from an age when they couldn’t remember anyone else taking care of them, they’d call you ‘mama’ without your having to require it. They wouldn’t care if you were technically their aunt or whatever.