SO! After six and a half years together, Mr. Armadillo and I were married on Friday.
We had the first brutal fight of the marriage, and the weekend is hardly over. He’s asleep and I’m still trying to get rid of enough anger to get into bed… I mean, it’s not a topic I see as ending the relationship, and he clearly doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong, so while it’s something that hurt me a whole hell of a lot, I’m trying to convince myself to let go of my anger.
I’m still angry and hurt and embarrased, but it’s not an issue that threatens my physical or emotional health or safety, so I’m trying very hard to look at the big picture and get over it already. Someone once told me that in marriage or parenting, you should pick your battles carefully, only fight for the things that truly matter, and let the other stuff slide. I’m trying hard.
Um, so, in that light, please give us your best advice for a strong and happy marriage*.
*a word which here means any mutually committed union, sexual orientation or legal status thereof completely irrelevant.
Well, after 6 1/2 years together, you pretty much know all the particulars of what marriage will be.
The only things I can tell you, after being married to a wonderful man for the last 20 years, myself…is to always take into consideration the feelings of your partner, never ‘talk down’ to your partner, and always let your partner know that you are there for him/her, no matter what arises.
Those are the important things that I have learned.
Good luck to you both!
One question that I like to ask myself is “Would you rather be right or would you rather have peace.” The answer is usually painfully clear.
However, I’ve also learned (through counseling) how to make my feelings known in a non-argumentative way so that my husband can understand how his actions and words affect me. Try this sentance structure out:
I feel _______ when you ______ and I wish you would_________.
For example: I feel disrespected when you interrupt me before I’m finished making my point and I wish you would let me finish my thought before you interject with yours, especially in front of our friends/relatives.
Good luck. Sounds like you’re cooling off already.
I would wake him up! Seriously, but note: not to fight. Wake him up, and tell him, like this
“I’m really hurt about what you said. I don’t want to go to bed angry, and I don’t want to stay angry at you. But this is why it hurt me.” And spell it out, not saying “YOU did this” or “it’s YOUR fault” but saying that you were hurt and feel badly.
Don’t let the sun set on your anger.
Ok, maybe he did, maybe he didn’t, but the fact is it left you hurting and he needs to know that and have it be explained to him. Marriage is not just about “not doing anything wrong” it’s also about not hurting the other person, even when you’re right.
We’ve spent the last two weeks surrounded in an absolutely insane flurry of activity with the wedding, and seeing friends and relatives, some of which it’s been years since we’ve seen. We’ve driven more than 1500 miles in the last week. We’ve eaten every meal out since two wednesdays ago. My entire immediate in-law family stayed at our house for a week before the wedding. We’ve hardly gotten to see each other in that span of time, much less spend an evening alone together. I just wanted to spend some time with him, enjoying and appreciating him. We finally got home yesterday after a nine hour car trip, spent an hour or so unpacking and got take out, had some quickish sex which was mildly of the d/s sort, and he immediately got out of bed and went to play computer games.
Now, my complaints were thus: 1. I was really looking forward to spending a quiet night at home with him for the first time since before the wedding insanity, and 2. when we have sex like that, I really need some extra snuggly post-sex aftercare, and he knows it. I’ve got some issues that he’s plenty aware of, and testing those roles is good for me, but I need some serious cuddling afterwards.
When he came back into the room and sat down at the computer, I asked him if he was going to be long and he said he was playing WoW. I said “You’re… playing WoW?” he says “I haven’t played in a week!”
LOL, if he is on a PVP server, I can see if i have a level 60 buddy on it and have him contract ganked for you=)
My advice is to let him know that you were feeling upset and exactly why…I know I would be pretty pissed if it was essentially my honeymoon and mrAru logged in after a quickie…though I would probably log in and sell all his equipment and tradeskill supplies…I could probably get 20 or 30 gold out of the deal<evil grin>
I know this is a readily given piece of advice but for me often the opposite is true - things don’t seem as bad in the morning. Often I will be so angry when I go to bed and the next day I wonder what all the fuss was about. Now sometimes we purposefully drop it until the next day when we both have clearer heads. Sometimes in the heat of things worse things get said than if you wait and have some perspective, especially late at night when both are tired.
Don’t be such a smartass, I don’t expect him to read my mind, and never have.
Of course there are plenty of times when he gets up almost immediately to play games and I read or watch TV or play computer games myself, and we’ve talked before about when it’s okay and when I’d like a little more attention than an immediate split. As relates to the particular, um, activities that happened that night, he knows that it’s shaky ground for me and that while I enjoy it immensely, he needs to be a little more attentive and caring afterwards. The very first time we started that kind of sex play, we had a long talk about it, and he’s always been very, very good about it. We’ve been together long enough and gone through enough to get this far that we are extremely good at communicating our needs, that’s why I was so angry he dropped the ball this time, particularly given that it was our first alone time since the wedding.
Thanks for the assumption that I’m just a snively bitch that whines when her partner doesn’t exhibit profound clairvoyance.
At first, I was hurt and baffled when he didn’t do things that seemed bleeding obvious to me (yes! I would like to do something fun for valentines day!) but I learned pretty quickly that (most of the time) he’s not rude, just completely oblivious
You and skip magic seem like a great couple, maybe you can help me get this thread back on track with some good advice!
I think one thing that can be good is to make sure to be voluminous in positive praise when it is warranted. In other words, when he does act the way you want, say things like,
“thanks for snuggling me, it really means a lot to me.”
You never want to be in a situation where all you notice and remark on is the negative. Think about how you feel when that happens (in any situation: work, friends, etc.). Kinda like it’s not worth making the effort, am I wrong? I’m not accusing you of being a nattering nabob of negativity, just throwing a thought out there. Maybe he doesn’t think his efforts thus far have been noticed, ergo, you must not care as much as you say you do.
Boys, like puppies, need lots of praise when they are headed in the right direction.
(I’m being silly, actually I think all humans need some reassurance that their efforts to change behavior are noticed and appreciated)
I have no problem with going to bed angry. Sometimes trying to hash things out when you’re still really pissed off and tired to boot is a bad idea. Like Velma said, sometimes a new day brings some perspective. Much of the time I can’t even remember what we were fighting about.
And I hear ya on the computer games thing. I wish I had a solution for you.