How do you deal when your partner is angry at you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am terrified of conflict. I bend over backwards to avoid it in any situation. And when someone is angry with me, it makes me miserable. When my SO is angry with me, I feel physically ill.

Last night he became angry with me about something (that was mostly my fault - had to do with me mismanaging my personal finances). He went out to blow off some steam, came back, and was still very angry. Refused to talk to me. This morning, he was still angry and said some hurtful things before storming out. I left him a letter trying to explain and apologize and tell him that I know he needs his space. But I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the fact that he is angry at me. My stomach has been churning all day and my heart keeps racing whenever I think about it, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel hollow because I haven’t eaten much today. I know I should eat regular meals but I find it difficult to choke my food down.

I don’t think he means for us to break up over this. (We have a wedding in the fall.) I love him and I fully admit that his anger is justified. He does have a bit of a temper and usually apologizes after he blows up about something. But when he feels that his anger is righteous it can last a long time. And I can’t function like this for much longer. I know it’s only been a day so far. I wish he’d just yell at me and get it out of his system. It’s not like there aren’t any solutions to the problems that have been caused by what I did. But he keeps saying he doesn’t want to look at me, doesn’t want to talk to me. I think he feels betrayed because I hid some things from him (again, having to do with my finances). It’s not that I incurred any major debt or anything, more that I haven’t managed to put aside any cash these past couple of years. (There are reasons for this, but it’s a long story).

I thought about staying elsewhere for a few days, but I don’t want to let anyone know about our fight. If I stayed at a hotel I think that would just anger him even more. I just feel paralyzed and sick.

Any advice? I suppose in the end I’ll just have to wait for him to calm down. But the last time he was like this, he was angry at his brother, and it lasted for weeks. I can’t do this for weeks. We have a trip planned to Spain next Thursday and if this continues until it’s going to be a complete nightmare.

2

((hugs))

The world doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t hate you. Go visit one of your girlfriends for a while - however long is necessary. Keep your phone with you in case he texts you a sorry.

3

I hate to sound like Dear Abby, but it sure sounds to me like the two of you need premarital counseling. Even if his anger is justified, the way he acts is not. And you certainly don’t want to live the rest of your life with a man whose temper terrifies you.

In the meantime, you have to find to courage to confront him and get him to talk to you. He needs to know that being angry doesn’t justify the way he’s treating you. Mature adults work thru their anger. Frankly, he sounds more like a child having a tantrum, trying to control you. You need to decide if you want to live like this forever. {{{Haze}}}

4

I’m so sorry. But please don’t get married if this is a recurring pattern. No one is actively angry (as in “yelling hurtful things on his way out the door”) a whole day after a fight unless something is seriously wrong. For weeks? That’s insane. No one does that. That us not acceptable behavior. You could have raped his pet and it would still be unacceptable.

This isn’t an “all couples fight” - fight. Yes, all couples do fight. But healthy, functional couples yell at each other for a bit, then they calm down, apologize (both) and look at solving the issue together in a sensible manner. And if someone says something truly hurtful during a fight the only acceptable response is for the person to realize it, regret it, and apologize immediately, fight or no fight.

The fact that his anger is justified acutely makes it worse. That means this is his way of solving conflicts, and he will always do it. Marrying him means being yelled at for days and weeks every so often. Go into it eyes open, or not at all.

And if you are “scared” to go to a hotel because that would “anger” him…do you know how scary that sounds? If you go stay at a hotel, HE should be scared of losing you, not using anger to cow you.

Please leave. He is abusive. You deserve better. Please.

5

One additional point: I notice how you keep framing the problem as “I am conflict adverse” or “I can’t stand it if someone is mad at me” as if you think that the problem here is your own extreme sensitivity–as if the norm, the reasonable expectation, is that having someone mad at you for days, say hurtful things on purpose, etc., is to somehow be able to shrug that off. This isn’t bothering you because you are a super-sensitive snowflake who needs to learn how to “deal” with it. This is bothering you because it’s really fucking horrible.

This is also the beginning of a terrible pattern: he gets mad and rages at you when you tell him things, so you are reluctant to tell him things because the rages are terrible. But eventually he finds out and then his rages are even worse, because you hid things–except now it’s your fault for not telling him earlier, and your reason–his rage–is dismissed as you being “conflict-adverse:”. So you are even more reluctant to tell him things, which keeps the cycle going.

This needs to be resolved–not “got through”, and not “dealt with”, but resolved. You need to not hide things, but he needs to not be a person you are afraid to tell things.

6

I just got out of a marriage like this. To deal with the anger, I would avoid any major topics that could potentially cause any sort of a fight. I never brought up anything that made me feel bad, whether it was related to him or not. If he got angry, I had to stay calm (which pissed him off because “I wasn’t taking things seriously” but it was better than the alternative). If I did get angry, he’d just turn it around on me, make it out to be my fault, and then escalate it. Although… thinking back on it, he’d often escalate even if I didn’t get angry in return.

Anyway, I always had this idea that if I could just behave well enough that I wouldn’t get in trouble. Eventually, it got to the point that I didn’t care about him being angry with me (I still tried to “act right” but I didn’t care if I messed up). It didn’t seem to matter how good I’d been; he’d still get just as angry with me so I’d just let him yell at me while I thought about other things - chores, hanging out with friends, etc. I think that was probably the beginning of the end.

But the reason I shared that is because your story reminded me of mine. One of the things that really helped me see I should get out was being around guys that were genuinely nice to me. (Also, guys who, when I described my marriage to them, asked if he hit me. He wasn’t but just them asking that question made me realize that something was not right. Especially when I answered “it’d be easier if he was” and meant it.)

So, I’m not saying that you’re in the same situation (because you wrote a thread to complain about one specific thing so maybe it’s not a totally accurate picture of the relationship… or maybe it is, I don’t know). I’m just suggesting that you look at other relationships (not on TV shows but in real life), talk to some people about your relationship, hang out with people who are nice, etc. Give it some serious thought before you get married.

Turns out, I just didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. Probably still don’t but I do know I’ll never be in another relationship like that one again.

Edit: And I just realized this was all about what to do before he gets angry. When he was angry, I don’t think anything ever worked aside from giving him lots of time to cool off. That, or (figuratively) prostrating myself at his feet and making myself look so miserable he had no choice but to pity me. And, boy, did that do wonders for my self esteem. :confused:

7

I’ve been both people in your relationship, HazleNutCoffee, and I can promise things won’t change until you do. When I was with a quick tempered yeller who would sulk for days and give me the silent treatment, I learned to become the most passive, agreeable, submissive partner because none of my complaints seemed worth his over the top histrionics. When I was with a partner who avoided conflict at all costs, who was sickened like you are by the thought of anyone feeling angry with him, I just got angrier because it seemed that he willfully refused to address our problems or resolve anything. Both were bad cycles, and both imbalances of power in my relationships led to the end of each.

He knows how sick and ashamed you feel and is probably enjoying riding out the adrenaline rush of being right, of having you waiting and worried at home, enjoying your discomfort and the power he has to determine the weather in the relationship. That’s crap, and unless you enjoy simpering and earning his affection back each time you disagree, stand up for yourself. You both will make mistakes all your life, and you can own yours and tell him to get over it or stay away until he does. I understand you are reluctant to pay for a hotel since your fight is about money, but I think its a good idea to take a stand. Tell him he is unbearable when he’s unforgiving and unyielding when he’s like this and explain that you can’t live with such disproportionate rage.

Or, consider asking for premarital counseling, but that will require you to speak up for yourself and risk criticizing his attitude. I understand exactly how sick and shaky you feel; I feel physically run down and somehow bruised after a bad fight with an SO. But you are a rational, intelligent, well-spoken person who deserves equal footing, and no matter who he is, he doesn’t deserve to enjoy riding out his adrenaline fueled self indulgent snit while letting you squirm.

Reconsider the hotel. This may be the right time to make a stand before you marry.

8

Quoting for emphasis. This needs to be said again and again. This was my first marriage. What did I do? I divorced, after 10 years of living like this and exposing my children to this very very toxic model of relationships.

If I had to do it over again, premarital counseling to see if we could interrupt and change this pattern would have been by first choice. Not having a kid together would have been my second.

9

{{{{hugs}}}}
Call the wedding off
Run away. He will not change for the better after a walk down the aisle.

10

I’ll see what he’s like tomorrow, I guess. I don’t know if my letter will have gotten through to him or just made him more angry. (I’m still at work.) It’s just that he has never behaved this way before. Our fights are usually over within a day. I expected him to be calmer this morning. I tried to reason with him, asking if he was just planning to stay angry forever and not talk about it. He just kept saying he had nothing to say to me. Then he did say some things to me. It’s just frustrating that he won’t offer any kind of solution. And I’m still racked with guilt over my irresponsibility. This isn’t the first time we’ve had conversations about how to manage finances, so I understand that he’s frustrated with my repeated inability to pull my shit together. But it was a difficult year for me last year. I think he just feels so justified in his anger that he refuses to cut me any kind of slack.

I don’t know if he doesn’t understand how much this kind of thing makes me sick, or if he’s so angry he just doesn’t care.

To make matters worse, we have a friend of mine staying with us at the moment. I feel really bad exposing her to all of our drama.

11

Why are you hiding things from him? That doesn’t sound like a good thing to be doing if you plan to marry him. It would make me very upset if I felt I couldn’t trust my fiancee to be honest with me.

12

I never lied, I just . . . hoped he wouldn’t ask about certain things. I know it was wrong. Like I said, I was just too afraid of the conflict that would follow. (I am aware that this is not a healthy attitude.) Maybe if I’d told him certain things beforehand he would have been less angry. I don’t know. I told him that I knew it was stupid of me for not being upfront and suggested that we make it a point to go through my expenses every month together, so he can help me see what I’m doing wrong. Like I said, I’m not in debt and I’m not an extravagant person. Maybe the goals he had previously set for me were unrealistic and we need to readjust them. Whatever it is, I’m sorry and I want to fix it, but I can’t fix it until he’s ready to forgive me.

13

I do want to point out that asking someone “Are you just going to stay angry forever?” is not reasoning with them. And you weren’t asking for a solution: you were asking for penance. You want to find a way to “work off” your sin so that he will forgive you. I can’t tell you how destructive this sort of thinking is. Adults don’t punish each other and they don’t find a way to make things up to the other person.

This also concerns me: on one hand, you are “wracked with guilt”, but on the other you feel like it was pretty justified: you made decisions you don’t think are poor ones, all things considered. I have no idea what the truth is here–how could I? But I don’t think you do, either. If you really are making genuinely bad decisions about money, you need to figure out how to make better ones. But this is what I worry is really happening: you and he have really different ideas about priorities with money. When you are with him, you agree with him, because it’s the pattern of your relationship. But you don’t really agree-agree. So when you are making decisions about what to do with your own money, you do what you think is best. But you can’t tell him about it, because he will disagree with you, and when you are sitting there talking to him you “see his point” and, on some level, agree. He doesn’t see your point at all, and you don’t expect him to: all your reasons, your logic, your priorities are hand-waved away as your “irresponsibility”–you’ve learned that that’s the magic word that ends the conversation. So he walks away from every money conversation feeling like he showed you the error of your ways, and you walk away feeling guilty, but not really convinced your reasons and logic are wrong. You haven’t really resolved anything. And the cycle repeats.

14

What do you mean “my personal finances”? Like, you guys have a money pool you both contribute to for household and then the rest is just your money? Because if you were me and that’s the situation I was in, I’d tell him to go fuck himself. Saving money is probably a good idea, sure, but if the expectation is that you both provide X money to shared bills and the rest is yours to keep, then it’s really not his business how much you’re saving or not. If the agreement was that you’d save and you’re not he has a reason to be annoyed. He doesn’t have a reason to be mean to you though, and that’s the biggest issue here. For me, the “why” doesn’t really matter. His behavior is unacceptable pretty much no matter what. He had three acceptable options: 1) talk it out in a rational way 2) approach you in a non-abusive way and say something like “I’m very upset and I don’t want to talk right now. I’ll be back [time frame] and we’ll talk then.” 3) leave you, if it’s that important. He did none of those things. This is now a him problem, not a “I didn’t share some information and I hate conflict and it’s my fault” you problem.

Again, if it were me, the conversation about my money and where it went to and why I didn’t do what he thought I should or whatever would, at this point, not even happen until his disproportionately crazy reaction was discussed first.

15

This is a creepy paragraph. He sets your savings goals? Why aren’t you the one telling him how much you can reasonably save? You want to put him in a position to approve your purchases? You think you’re the one at fault, and if he’d just forgive you you could fix it? Do you not see how you are not talking like you have a partnership here, but rather a parent/child relationship?

You are not conflict-adverse. You are adverse to a particular type of conflict because it makes you miserable, doesn’t do you any good, and leaves you feeling powerless. The problem was in the original savings goal conversation, when he decided what was important and realistic for you, and you were unable, for whatever reason, to have meaningful input. Figure out what happened then–because after that, all this became inevitable.

Look, he may be a great guy. But the two of you are setting up patterns that will lead to a terrible marriage and warp both your personalities permanently.

16

This sounds exactly like our early relationship, and FYI, here we are with 12 years together (four years of marriage next month).

My husband is a rager and he takes a while to calm down. I dislike conflict and am the type of person to ‘get over’ things quickly. Two personality types that sometimes don’t mesh, because I want to talk it out RIGHT NOW and he needs to calm down. We also had issues in the beginning with money, wherein I would spend it and he would save. Again, two differing personality types. So what did we do? We went to couples therapy and figured out how to communicate (amoung other things). We still have fights, I still get over it in the snap of my fingers, and he still stews. But now he stews for a couple of hours, tops, and I give him time. Then we come together and talk through it and find a solution. We validate each other’s feelings and work hard to not do the same thing again.

So to those saying RUNAWAYRUNAWAY, I say she needs to give it a chance and try to work it out. However, he needs to be in for the work too. With our finances, we decided it needed to be a joint effort (rather then me doing all the bill paying because I obviously suck at it) and we made goals together. We both went to couples therapy to work on our communication and continue to go. So far, so good and things are much better for us now then they were 10 years ago.

Good luck. :slight_smile:

17

Yeah, HazelNutCoffee, I think there are a lot of very well-intentioned people in this thread who are giving you advice about their lives, if that makes sense. People on the Internet can be very cavalier about the ending of other people’s long term relationships. I’ll say that I don’t know if your relationship has problems significant enough to warrant a hotel stay and a breakup, but you have certainly not said anything here to suggest that it does. If this is the first time you’ve ever had an argument that lasted more than a day, if he’s not being verbally or physically abusive, if things are otherwise good between you… meh. Conflict happens.

I would suggest doing nothing more about this. Presumably you’ve apologized for whatever you think you ought to apologize for - you don’t need to keep doing that. Drop it - he will, too. He’ll apologize for the things he ought to apologize for.

Then - not when emotions are high and the current argument is ongoing, but once it is over and when there is no current conflict: talk about this. Tell him that his method of resolving conflict makes you uncomfortable. Work together to find a solution for future arguments - and if you’re getting married, there will be future arguments - that leaves neither of you frustrated, frightened, anxious, or dissatisfied. But, and I can’t emphasize it enough, don’t have that conversation until this argument is over.

18

It seems to me that both of you deal with conflict in unhealthy ways. He is inclined to anger and you are inclined to avoid out of fear of anger. That is a dangerous combination that could easily escalate.

Conflict is part of life. It’s not comfortable, but it’s not unbearable either. If it were, you wouldn’t still be here!

Have you had any discussions in the past with your partner about how each of you react to conflict? If so, how have those discussions gone? Do both of you acknowledge to each other (and to yourselves) that both of your approaches aren’t healthy?

A lot of the things you say remind me of how my husband was when we first began living together. He would behave exactly as you do, trying to avoid any conflict to the point of hiding or lying about things. I have often reflected that it’s fortunate he didn’t end up with someone who would take advantage of that.

Him and I worked together on this, and it was probably easier for him than it will be for you because I don’t respond to conflict with anger. So rather than getting angry and scaring him, I would stay calm and reasonable and try to get to the root of whatever it was that was going on.

Both of us got a lot of value from reading self-help books, which I know not everyone likes to do. But there was a book called ‘The Disease to Please: Curing the People Pleasing Syndrome’ which was particularly useful.

19

I apologize in advance for this pedantic hijack, but here you go:

“Adverse” is not the word you want. “Adverse” means basically bad or unfavorable. Conflict is an adverse circumstance.

The correct word for this thread is “averse.” The OP is conflict-averse.

</pedantic hijack>

To the OP: it sure sounds like a toxic/dysfunctional relationship. As noted upthread, it’s weird that he is setting your financial goals. That would still be weird even after you’re married.

As far as dealing with anger, well, the only way through that is for the two of you to talk about it. He has to explain why he’s so incredibly angry and can’t seem to let it go, the two of you have to talk about how this all came about and whether such intense anger on his part is justified by the circumstances, what changes the two of you can make to your relationship to avoid similar problems in the future, and so on.

However, the two of you can’t talk if one of you (him) is unwilling. That’s a serious problem and doesn’t bode well for the future health of your relationship. The relationship won’t work unless you both want it to work.

“Are you going to stay angry forever?” is a rhetorical question that’s not likely to advance discussion in a positive direction. Instead, you might get the ball rolling by saying something like “we need to talk about why you’re so angry and how we can move past this. You’re not happy and I’m not happy, so let’s talk.” He says he has nothing to say to you? “Tell me how you feel, tell me what you’re thinking.” Critical statements (“you are bad at managing your personal finances”) are allowed (and you’re allowed to rebut them), but insults (“you are an idiot when it comes to money”) are NOT allowed.

20

Couple of things I’d like you to consider:

When you can’t get passed his anger, can’t go on like this, sometimes, if not always, I find it’s because I am not taking ownership of my part in things. I put it to you that you would feel very differently if you owned your part fully. You didn’t hide anything, but were hoping it wouldn’t come up? Yeah, that’s not owning your part, I’m sorry to say.

Secondly when someone you have cause to expect love and affection from, withdraws it because they are mad - that’s a huge red flag! It is step one in the beginners guide to manipulation.

Why are you considering marrying someone you cannot be fully honest with? You felt the need to not reveal something about yourself/personal affairs. Whether that reflects his anger or your issues is really beside the point. I cannot believe people would sign up to spend a lifetime with a person they haven’t even been fully honest with in the hear and now! Baffling!

I wish you nothing but good luck, you’ll need it I think!