Apologies if this was said, but I just skimmed. You mentioned a “mismanagement of your personal finances.” How much are we talking about? Did you lose ten bucks or so? Or are we talking thousands of dollars? Because the reaction you describe on his part (still being angry the next day) seems over-the-top unless it’s a big chunk of money.
A lot of good advice here. I especially like what Troppus and **EmAnJ ** have to say. I’m ashamed to say, Troppus accurately describes how I think and feel in these situations.
My wife and I have played out this scenario a number of times. She wants to avoid conflict and, at the same time, do the things that she knows we have agreed to not do. I feel betrayed when we’ve talked it out and yet she still goes ahead and buys that big ticket item or gives that loan to her deadbeat ex and then tries to cover it up. I am so hurt I can barely look at my wife, much less talk to her, when she does this crap. Don’t know if that is the OP’s situation but is sounds similar.
It is easy to fall into a pattern over time when one partner hides what will make the other angry, which only makes the other even more angry when it all comes out. There isn’t one bad person and one good in that scene, there are only two people who aren’t communicating.
Get thee to some counseling. A neutral party can help you both say what you need to say, in a useful and safe way.
With my wife, it took me a long time to figure out that she’s the type of person who needs to cool off on her own; trying to discuss things while she’s still angry just makes her feel like she’s being attacked. Once I realised that, fights became a lot less painful for both of us.
You need to take the bull by the horns and pop this zit… to mix metaphors. Something I eventually learned is that the only way to have a happy relationship is to tell the truth, and to tell it as soon as possible. Track him down. Force him to have his say, and have your honest say too–including defending yourself and letting him know that this anger isn’t acceptable.
It’s terrifying but you need to make sure that you can clear the air. Being brave is the only way to be happy. Good luck.
for some people anger can be released physically. some vigorous exercise to exhaustion can use up the emotion.
then sit down and talk about fixing the conflict.
How stupid was the thing you did in the first place? If you’ve repeatedly demonstrated major fiscal irresponsibility, that is a huge problem. Your finances are about to become each other’s finances. Accepting responsibility for your mistake is *not enough. *You need to commit to stopping it from happening again. You need to stop hiding the little mistakes you make as you go along, *before *they snowball into huge problems down the road. If you can’t commit to improving your fiscal responsibility and be confident that you will succeed on the first try, maybe you should ask him to oversee or manage that aspect of your life.
Given that you say he has never fought with you like this before, he’s probably madder at you than he ever has been. Your poor financial choices are making him reconsider your fitness as a long-term partner. This is a fair complaint, although he sounds like he’s handling it less than well. Marital counseling might help, but I think it would help more to stop making huge life mistakes while hiding the little details from your life partner that might have helped avert the situation in the first place.
For now, I advise you to give him space and stop acting like a victim. Bad financial choices don’t just happen to you, or to anybody. He’s reacting badly, but you aren’t accepting responsibility for your fuckup. So I can see why he might be more frustrated with you than he ever has been before. This is not an easy situation for him, either.
Word.
I think a lot of people need to lower their eyebrows here. There’s no need to dissect to death whether every aspect of their behaviors and relationship is perfectly healthy, and I find the “Call off the wedding!” suggestions to be a bit… much. This is a fight with her fiance here, so if there’s no epic, fundamental dysfunction, then this is just a thing that happens in relationships. Sometimes conflicts are resolved quickly, sometimes people stay mad for a few days. You don’t need to dump your fiance, Jesus.
That said, I have no advice. I suppose what I would do in this situation is let him cool off then stop doing whatever it is that you screwed up, but feel free to ignore that.
If it were me I would do two things. First, I would admit that I was wrong, explain why what I did was wrong, and promise to make whatever changes were necessary to make sure that thing didn’t happen again. The best part about this step (besides letting your SO know that you are sorry) is that it often clears up confusion that you may not even know is there. My husband and I occasionally have arguments that end up with, “Well, I’m really sorry I did X” and “Why the hell would I care about X? It is all that Y that I’m pissed off about!” and we learn that the thing the other is upset about isn’t the thing we thought we did wrong in the first place.
The second thing I would do is lay out, in no uncertain terms, the parts of his behavior that I found unacceptable before checking with him to find out what about the way I reacted was not acceptable to him. “I love you and I understand you have a right to be mad, but you are absolutely not allowed to say X or do Y when we are fighting. It is manipulative and abusive and I will not tolerate being treated that way. Do you have any concerns about the way I’ve reacted that you feel need to be addressed?” If you can discuss the way you fight when you guys are calm and find out that you feel sick when he calls you names or insults you and he feels like you are heavy handed with the guilt trips or whatever then you can work to adjust the way you communicate during arguments so they don’t turn into WWIII.
But I am not sure she did wrong, or thinks she did. She keeps saying things like “Yes, I didn’t save as much as he thought I should, but it was a complicated year” and “Yes, I spent too much money, but I am not extravagant . . .”
I mean, if they “agreed” that she would save 50% of her take home pay, and now he’s mad that she didn’t, but she never really felt like that was a reasonable expectation in any case, then they need to resolve the original problem. I mean, if they sat down and he was like “You need to give up X, Y, and Z because those are wasteful and you should save more” and she thought “No, they are reasonable expenses. And we are saving plenty. But I guess you are right. I don’t need those things. But I do, really, but I will shut up because I hate to argue. Also, you never really listen to me and anything I say you will dismiss as selfishness anyway. So I will agree with you now, but really do what I want later”. If this is how they come to “mutual” decisions, they need to work on that more than the anger thing.
Consider the possibility that staying away from you may be his way of dealing with his anger. It’s not to punish you but it’s because he knows if he was around while he was angry it would lead to a fight. He would regret the fight so he avoids you until he’s over the anger.
I will say that it’s unusual for somebody to stay angry about something for weeks. He needs to figure out a way to let go of his anger.
Perhaps, but in my experience in the last 50 years, in my life and observations of others, staying too long in a bad relationship is a much more common problem than leaving one too soon. And, if you left one that could have been saved, well there is always another one in your future. If you stay in one you should have left, everyone is miserable for a very long time. Having been in fantastic and terrible relationships (and some in between) I think I can confidently say that if you’re in “the one true love” kind of place, leaving isn’t even contemplated for a moment. Maybe it’s a bit of an overstatement, but once you’re even considering leaving, it’s time to go.
It is the lie by omission that she needs to apologize for, not necessarily the spending.
I wouldn’t say so. It depends on what you mean by “to stay angry,” and it depends on what the OP’s fiance’s brother did that left him angry for weeks. If trust was utterly and completely breached, staying angry for a few weeks doesn’t sound weird at all to me. I know people who have kept grudges for years, maybe decades.
There is a difference between “staying mad” as in “this still pisses me off when I think about it” vs. “I’m still yelling and screaming and calling you names and there’s nothing you can do about it because I’m still mad”.
The first kind is acceptable for, well, ever, so long as you go back to being a functional, loving partner in relatively short order.
The second? No way no how. An hour, tops.
What you are saying is that you both agreed to a savings plan and then two years down the road he finds out that you haven’t saved a red cent and now he is really really angry. He’s angry because you said yes when you didn’t mean it and then you let it go on for so long without telling him.
He’s probably wondering what else you are going to (or already have) say yes to but not not really mean and what other situations are going to come to light that aren’t what he thought they were. He has lost trust in you.
If something isn’t working, you need to speak up right away so adjustments can be made. If you can’t (or don’t want to) stick to a plan, you need to say so when it’s proposed.
If you don’t want to have joint finances or joint financial goals, you need to tell him.
Very well put.
Ultimately, it seems to me that the relationship should be a safe refuge, not only when everything is going well but also when one has done something stupid. That doesn’t preclude getting angry at each other, but it should mean that one ought not have to fear the other person’s reaction. From what’s been presented, it’s probably not possible to make complete and accurate assessments of who is at fault to what extent, but the basic fact that this relationship is not a safe space seems clear. Perhaps it just needs work, or perhaps it needs to end.
If its your fault, and you think he’s justified in his anger, have you considered just doing whatever it is that he is angry at you for? You said it was about not saving, so put together a plan of your finances, tell him you’ll stick to it, and start saving
Of course, this is if he’s justified
I don’t agree with people who are saying, and have no insight into how your relationship is, to leave him. Anyone can be angry, even at someone they love, even for more than a day. To say that everybody should be able to get over something in less than a day is crazy. There are a lot of justifiable things that one can be mad about for more than a day. Stay in this relationship, work it out, and try not to do anything he’ll justifiably be angry about
As long as he doesn’t hit you, I don’t see the problem with one person being angry at another, especially if, again, its justified by your own admission. Maybe this is the only way he can get you to start saving or do whatever it is that you have to do. You should take it as an opportunity for growth, not leaving him. I think movies and Disney have brainwashed people too much into thinking that all relationships have to be perfect. Its ok if your partner is sometimes mad at you for days. It happens. There are tens of thousands of days left, this, so far, is 2 days
I think you need to break this down into several issues.
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You’re conflict-averse - If you’re truly averse to all conflict, you need to learn how to handle handle it. It’s an important part of being an adult. But if you’re just averse to conflict with him, you need to look at why you’re afraid to make him mad. Are you afraid he’ll hurt you, no longer love you, no longer respect you, not want to marry you? If you’re afraid he’ll hurt you, that’s bad. Very bad. Run away. If you’re afraid he’ll no longer love you, respect you, or marry you, figure out why you don’t think you’re worthy of love, respect and marriage. Learn how to fight - it’s going to happen and you both need to learn the rules.
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Together you set goals you didn’t meet - Did you agree to the goals to avoid conflict? - See No 1. You need to learn how to manage your conflict so you don’t fear it. Did you make the goals thinking it was obtainable and needful, and just screwed up? - You need to figure out how and why you screwed up. Did you simply overspend? Budgeting in cash might help that. Did you spend on something you thought would bring in more money? Magic beans are rarely a good investment. Did you loan/donate money you hadn’t planned on giving away? See the cash budgeting idea. Did you agree to the goal to get him off your back? - You need to decide as a couple if your finances should be merged. It might be better to keep them separate for a while. You have to learn to manage your money because that’s what you want to do, not because someone else wants it. You should never have to grovel to your partner.
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He’s not treating you like an adult - You need to be partners in your marriage, not employee/employer. He needs to respect you, even when he doesn’t agree with your actions. And he needs to treat you with respect.
There are probably more issues. Outline them as if you’re writing a paper, then look at each one. Right now your troubles are all bundled up in a knot.
Take this all with a grain of salt, because I’ve never been married.
StG
Meh, I think your over-reacting. Two days isn’t really all that long to be angry at someone, especially as the OP does seem to have legitimately screwed up, and fighting over finances and spending has to be one of, if not the, most common thing newly-weds (or soon to be newly weds) fight over. Managing money between two people not used to sharing finances is difficult, and money matters in general is an easy topic to get touchy about.
I’d spend a some time figuring out what went wrong with your finances so that once he calms down you can show that your trying to solve the problem, and then just do what you can to take your mind off it till he calms down enough for you to talk it over rationally.