And by the way, isn’t it time we petitioned for a cowboy-hat-wearing smilie for all the texans to use?
Shit-fire, boy! That there is a dang good ideer!
Texas is about the only place I can think of where people do not look stupid wearing cowboy hats. Here, they are functional, anywhere else, you look like a poseur.
The following list of rules apply to each person as he
or she enters Texas:
* Let's get this straight. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
* We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
* It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
* They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
* So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
* So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
* Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin' camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen.
* We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming
in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
* Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for--bait.
* Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
* The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
* Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. Our women are the best looking in the country.
* We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!
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No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
* When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce! * You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it!-
You bring “Hooch” into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant.
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You bring “Mary Jane” to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
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Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
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High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and more fun to watch.
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Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards- it spooks the fish.
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Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
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We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, “Don’t Mess With Texas”. If you do it will get kicked by the best!
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Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.
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Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can’t make it without Texas.”
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I just moved to SA from lubbock 2 years ago and for some reason i wont go into i wound up in county jail for a week, The first night after I had sobered up the sherifs deputy told me I was in "bear"county jail. I was like wtf? how did i get to bear county? and were the hell is bear county? I thought I was arrested in BEXAR county! He looked at me like I was an idiot and walked away.
All forms of carbonated beverage are called coke. Don’t get confused if your host asks you what kind of coke you want. Most folks answer, “regular,” “diet,” or “Dr. Pepper.”
Though I’m a Longhorn, I have to say that Aggies are the most well mannered and clean cut college students anywhere, when they aren’t stinky drunk and tearing up the town. And they shore look mighty precious in them tight-fittin wranglers!
Oh, and when a purty lady asks you to give her some sugar, we don’t want some of that granulated white stuff that goes in your tea, we’re asking for a sweet, sweet, kiss.
Oh, yeah, and none of these rules apply in the city of Dallas, because Dallas has been taken over by furriners (those who originate from out of state) and is no longer really a part of Texas at all.
Texican:
what about in mexico and south america where the whole cowboy thing actually started?
and texans look stupid wearing the hats too, by the way.
other advice:
don’t speed in muleshoe, or anywhere in tx for that matter
You either forgot Tony Chachere’s or you don’t live close enough to Houston.
While greck just plain looks stupid. :rolleyes:
Yep,
This sounds just about right.
“Hell, I was 18 'fore I knowed Damn Yankee was two words.”
You know you’re in Houston if…
[ul]
[li]The “farm-to-market” roads have seven lanes. [/li][li]You have to turn on the air conditioning in January 2 days after a low of 29 degrees. [/li][li]Everybody has a story of a Flying Roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. [/li][li]When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don’t think he’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a fire ant bed. [/li][li]You’re on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you’re trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty riders on their horses. (For you Yankees, they’re going to the rodeo!!) [/li][li]“Luv Ya Blue” still makes the natives smile, even if they did run the Oilers out of town. [/li][li]Your neighbor’s Christmas yard decorations are a re-creation of the nativity with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp. [/li][li]You wander into a section of town where you can’t read the street signs because they’re written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don’t care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise and great food. [/li][li]You think “Y’all” is perfectly good usage ONLY if you’re referring to more than one person. [/li][li]Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year. (They are just areas of Houston) [/li][li]Society matrons of “a certain age” still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south. [/li][li]You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven’t left the city limits. During rush-hour, you haven’t even left your NEIGHBORHOOD. [/li][li]Folks who’ve lived there more than 30 years have never seen I-45 and I-10 in any condition other than "under construction.”[/li][li]A 747 with the space shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right over your house, and nobody paid any attention to it. [/li][li]There is nothing unusual about an eighty something former sheriff’s deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sun-glasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams “MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, iiiiiiii-witness news” into a television camera every night… But some folks are still upset with him for shutting down the Chicken Ranch. [/li][li]If the humidity is below 90 percent, it’s a GOOD hair day. [/li][/ul]
When you visit other countries, you’re not American, you’re Texan, unless your a furner.
New Braunfels is pronounced “New Brawns full.” Unless you live there.
Texun is the national language of North Texus.
Spanglish is the national language of South Texas.
BTW, a lot of these rules don’t apply to Houston either. We have our fair share of furners too. There’s more clean SUVs than dirty pickups. There ARE veggie plates at Houston steakhouses (vegetarian here - I know). And most of us don’t have suthurn accents. But then again, lots of these were written just for us, like tmwster’s.
Marvin Zindler used to be a sheriff’s deputy? You really do learn something new every day. 
It just about makes me ill to say this, but this is a neat idea. Do any other states have a paved “pull over and let ‘em pass” lane? The trip from Waco to College Station is a delight because of the pull over lanes.
If you say a word and people look at you funny, add or take away a few syllables. Boerne and Manchaca have two syllables, shit can have up to four.
Charles Kuralt, in the Dairy Queen in Mexia, Tx.*
"How do you pronounce the name of this place?
Clerk:
“DAY-RAY QUEEN!”
*Muh-HAY-uh
:dubious:
Dude, seriously.
The trip from Waco to College Station is anything but ‘delightful.’ No additional lane in the road can change the fact that at the end of the trip, you’ve driven all that way only to find yourself in College Station.
go bears
Actually, anyone looks stupid wearing a cowboy hat when standing on pavement. They aren’t meant to be city gear. But at least MOST Texans wear them for functional reasons, not trying to look like someone or somebody.
Mexican Cowboys wear sombreros.
Don’t speed near Sonora either.
Gig’em, Aggies!!!
I didn’t know that either. I remember when they closed down the Chicken Ranch, and there was a story on the news that the local women were the maddest because now their damn husbands were gonna be expecting sex at home.
Yep, in the 1960’s he worked for the Harris County Sheriff’s Department, then the Harris County District Attorney’s Office working in the (can you guess?) Consumer Fraud Division. We used to get a real kick out of his show, growing up in Houston - the whole family shouting in unison, “IIIIIIIII-WIT-nuss NYOOOOS!” This was, of course, before cable TV and VCR’s, so he was about the only form of entertainment on at that time.