ADVICE for ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS:

  1. Save all manner of bacon grease…you will be instructed on how to use it later.

  2. If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive, with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. If you see them, stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

  3. Don’t be surprised to see movie rentals, ammunition, and bait at the same store.

  4. Get used to the collateral phrase, “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humidity” as well as, “You call this heat? Wait’ll August.”

  5. Chili does NOT have beans.

  6. Brownsville, Texas is considered Mexico.

  7. In conversation, never put your hand on another man’s shoulder to make a point, especially in a bar.

  8. Don’t tell us how you do it up there. No one cares.

  9. BBQ is a food group. It is NOT grilling burgers and hot dogs in the backyard.

  10. Tea= Iced Tea…There is no other kind.

  11. If someone is ‘Fixin’ to do’ something, it does not mean anything is broken.

  12. We have four seasons…December, January, February, and Summer.

  13. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

  14. Brisket is not cooked in an oven.

  15. If you think it’s hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down in December.

Yee-haw!

One my brother - who lives in Lubbock - always say:

Do not ever, ever, EVER! Say anything about my truck… Not even if you think you would be helping me out! Not even if I lay dying on the front seat, just stay away!

And if you dare to write WASH ME in the mud on my tail gait, I’ll Kill ya!

Dove are not symbols of peace. Come September they’re something to shoot the ever loving shit out of.

We do not have vitiligo. It’s called a “farmer’s tan”. Kindly shield your eyes before I remove my hat.

Despite its uncanny accuracy, King of the Hill is not considered appropriate viewing.

Bah! An F-150 don’t cut it. If’n it’s not a 1-ton dually with goose-neck hitch, it ain’t a truck. It could be a Ford, Chevy or Dodge. Just keep in mind that these brands inspire fierce loyality. So never denigrate one unless you know whether the folks you’re with are Ford, Chevy or Dodge men (or women) and/or you’re ready for a long debate on the relative merits of each.

And, for the love of all that is holy, it is NOT “San Antone”. No true Texan will admit to knowing where this is. San Antonio is the county seat of Bexar County. BTW, it is not pronounced Bek-sar. It is pronounced “Bear”.

Robin

In Austin, we’ve got some very particular pronunciations. To deviate from these is to invite scorn:

“Manchaca” is pronounced “Man Shack”.

“Burnet” is pronounced “Burn It”

“Guadalupe” is pronounced “Gwod Loop” (or “The Drag” if you are currently attending/have attended UT).

“Loop 1” is pronounced “Mo Pac”.

Hey! Stop giving out my address :smiley:

And you forgot Manor --> May Nor

LOL*
Here’s another one.
Ozzy was lucky he’s a Brit when he peed on the Alamo.We let him off because he didn’t know any better.
But if an American (or god forbid,a Texan)peed on the Alamo,we’d have them drawn and quartered.

Cowtipping is a sport.
If you EVER make fun of Big Tex,you will be shot.

IDBB

Pedernales = Pur-duh-nal-ez

Oh, and worship services are customarily held on Friday nights at the local high school stadium during football season.

If you hear “Hey, y’all! Watch this!” step back. Somebody is about to blow themselves up.

“He needed killin’” is a valid defense to a murder charge.

60 ounce steaks are $34.00. 72 ounce steaks are free.

Y’all don’t tell anyone how to pronounce “Waxahachie”. It’s just so darn much fun listening to folks try it the first time.

I gave up on “Nacogdoches” myself. It’s easier than “Natchitoches” in Louisiana, but I still can’t say it.

I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that no matter how long I live in Texas, I’ll always be a Yankee. But when I go back north to visit, despite the fact that I grew up in New York, I’ll always be “the one from Texas.”

“Chili does not have beans” - but in Marshall it does have fire ants.

I’d like to point out for those reading from States Other Than Texas, that while this thread may seem to be tongue-in-cheek, it’s essentially a factual account with little or no exaggeration.

get comfortable answering the question:

“shit boy what part a’ texas you from?”

When the car ahead of you pulls onto the shoulder and lets you pass, that is called courtesy. Get used to it.

NA-k’tsh. What could be simpler? :smiley:

Only in the tangy kind. Mmmmm, formic acid.

I don’t think Austin really counts as part of texas, It’s not like the rest of the state.

and that’s a good thing

No lie! I live in the south now, but I grew up in Texas, and this is the funniest and most dead-on-accurate thread I’ve read in a long time.

And to answer the question:

Houston, actually. I’ll be visiting in about a month, too, so I’ll be sure to pack my short sleeve shirts and my boots.
And remember, people wearing cowboy hats, boots, and enormous belt buckles are NOT trying to be funny.