advice needed: girlfriends annoying friend

Ok guys I need your help.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years now having been friends for the past 6 years. Everything is going great and I couldn’t wish for more. I love her.

She has a friend who she met whilst going through university who was a great help and a good friend for the three years they studied together. They graduated last year and still see each other occasionally.

My problem is this…I can’t stand him, I hate him he irritates me to the extent that I can’t even talk to him.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I think he has feelings for her, or just his whole attitude and style that annoy me.

He is slightly camp, but not gay, and has a way of being very demeaning.

I have told my SO that I don’t really like him and she just says that she can understand how he could get on peoples nerves.

So, do I tell her that deepness of my hatred for this guy? Or just hope that with gentile encouragement she won’t see him very often in the future?

Any advice would be greatly received

My ex had (well, still has, presumatly) a friend I HATED. The friend in question was loud, hyper, and I’m sorry, but he came from a very very small town in Georgia and it really showed. The ex knew that I found the guy annoying sometimes (I didn’t say it was every time he opened his mouth) but I wasn’t going to do anything to try to mess with an eighteen-year friendship, no matter how mystified I was by it.

I would STRONGLY advise you to NOT do anything to try to break up their friendship. It would be weird and controlling. My ex inflicted his friend on me less often after I made it clear that I found him annoying, so hopefully your girlfriend will do the same. But you can’t dictate who can and can’t be her friend, as much as you might like to.

[quote]
Or just hope that with gentile encouragement she won’t see him very often in the future?*

It shouldn’t matter if she sees him, as long as you don’t have to see him. The two of them can get together for coffee or drinks while you do something else. Just because the two of you are going out doesn’t mean that you have to share all the same friends.

Long as you know she doesn’t have any feelings for him, I think it’s best to simply deal with it. Don’t want to turn into uber-controlling boyfriend.

And yes, I know it sucks. But breaking up a friendship will just make your girlfriend resentful.

It doesn’t matter the tiniest shred how much you hate this guy, because he’s her friend, not yours. It is not your place to decide who she can or cannot be friends with, or even who she should or should not be friends with. That sort of behavior is purely for manipulative, controlling, potentially abusive assholes. (If you fall into that category, by all means, go ahead with your “gentile”–does anybody else really want the jewish man smilie right now?–encouragement.)

Provided she isn’t asking you to spend inordinate amounts of time with him, it is absolutely, positively, 1000% none of your friggin’ business whether she continues her friendship with him or not. There’s also no call to tell her, “No, really, I hate hatehatehateHATE this guy.” That wouldn’t do anybody a bit of good, since she doesn’t and shouldn’t base her friendships on your opinions of people, and it’s pretty damn likely to piss her off to no avail.

While being a couple means you’re a unit, it doesn’t mean you’re a single entity. You each retain your own interests and hobbies and preferences and, yes, friends. Couplehood isn’t about doing everything together all the time, or about liking all the same people, places, foods, and activities. It’s about finding a harmonious balance between being individuals and being a unit, and happy individuals make for a happier unit.

A lot of the people and things Dr.J finds utterly engrossing, I find unutterably dull, and vice versa. Some of his best friends irritate the everlovin’ FUCK out of me sometimes, and I’m sure he feels the same about some of my friends. And you know what? That’s okay. Our differences are a big part of what drew us together in the first place, so why would we try to erase them?

As much as you hate the dude, you’re just gonna have to deal with it.

Whenever they go out, just don’t go. If they start going out a little too much though, you should probably say something.

You put up with him, she puts up with something she doesn’t like in your life.

There will be lots of these kinds of things. Better get used to it.

Heh I have a similar situation going on with me right now. My buddies and I (aged 23-26) had four years of friendship before HE arrived. HE being a former classmate of ours, ended up working with one of our friends for a year. Though we’ve met this guy in school previously, he was definetely not the type of person we wanted to hang with (being a 37 year old virgin with a monotone voice and no transportation of his own). But I guess the friend of ours who was working with him didn’t seem to care much about forcing him into our group (or didn’t realize we harbored animosity). So now everywhere we go, this guy comes along, even if no one’ll invite him, he’ll continously call someone and figure out what we’re doing on the weekend. Since we all hate lying through our teeths, it gets rough sometimes trying to deny that we’re going to such and such place for drinks or whatnot.

Its okay for me to hang out with this guy once in a while, purely as an aquaintance but not all the time! At one point I had enough and explained my deep resentment of him being forced into our clique to the person that started bringing him along. He was baffled and agreed with me, but sadly it was too far along to just cut him out completely without really hurting his feelings.

To make matters worse, he managed to find out we were going to take a trip out of the country and now he’s expecting to come along with us. It makes me angry, but what I can do?

I guess in response to the OP, you’re pretty much screwed unless you put a hit out on him :slight_smile: