Advice Needed: If You Think Someone Might Be Dead, Do You Call To Find Out?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I don’t know what to do. All future Dear Abby’s welcome to respond.

When I lived in Berlin, I had a lot of friends, most of them teachers like myself. Some I have kept in touch with, others less often.

One guy, let’s call him “Joe Schmidt”, and I were pretty good friends, but haven’t kept in touch much since I moved back to the States. Last email I got from him was in 1999 and I don’t have that email address anymore.

At any rate, I thought I would call him and looked his number up.

It is the same address and phone number that I remember from way back, but now - it is under his wife’s name, “Jane Schmidt.”

Mind you, the phone has ALWAYS been under his name only. His wife and I were never particularly close (she blamed me when he and I would go out for drinks and he would come home late - trust me, I was not twisting his arm), but she and I didn’t hate each other either.

My fear is: Maybe Joe is dead? Is that why she has the phone under her name only, and would it be a good idea for me to call now, out of the blue? Do I just act dumb and say, “Can I speak to Joe?”
I can’t see him just packing up and leaving. The two of them had 3 kids together and he was devoted to them. Plus, Joe’s real last name is not a common one, and there was no other listing in Berlin.

Should I just forget about it, or should I call - and if I call, what do I say?

Signed - To Call or Not To Call?

2

Call. I wouldn’t call and ask “So is Joe there or is he dead?”. Just call, remind her who you are, and tell her you are looking for Joe.

Perhaps her and Joe did split up. You never know what could have happened to their relationship in four years. Perhaps Joe doesn’t even live in Berlin anymore.

You will always wonder what happened if you don’t call.

3

Call and say you are in town and wanted to go out and have a few drinks with Joe. If he isn’t dead yet, he soon will be!

OK, maybe advice isn’t my strong suit.

4

I’d just call and tell whoever answers exactly what you’ve said here (except for the thinking he might be dead part, maybe).
Sounds to me like they might be seperated or divorced and he’s simply living somewhere else.
You won’t know unless you try and it’s probably gonna bug you until you do it anyway.

5

Just call and ask for him. Whether he’s dead or they’re divorced or whatever, you won’t be the first, or last person to ask for him.

6

Call.
And then let us know. I think they are divorced. I would like to be proved wrong since it sounds like they had a good marriage.
“Hello, this is DMark. I worked with Joe some years ago. Is he available?”

If she answers yes, well, great.
If she gives you a flat “no”, ask is there is another number where he may be reached.

7

i will say that my husband has been deceased for over 2 1/2 years and i still get the occassional call for him from people that didnt know… it hits hard to have to tell them, but not nearly as hard as it did…

you can do a death certificate search if you dont want to call… usually costs a few bucks but would give you an idea… they arent fail proof sites though…

there are other reasons for switching it to his wifes name too… finances are one, could be that bankruptcy had to be filed in his name but her credit was still good… or any number of reasons…

8

This makes me think of something from a few months ago that I never followed up on, because I was too afraid to. There was suspicious death in my home region, and the victim’s name was that of someone I knew (and had been friends with) in high school. I hadn’t seen her in a long time, as she was dangerously shy and withdrawn and she had pulled out of school, but I had been fairly close to her for a year or two. The victim was also about the right age, and from the right general area, although in that region, that doesn’t mean anything, since in the news a lot of small towns that are fairly spread out often get lumped together with the next biggest one.

Anyways, as worried as I was, I wasn’t able to track down in the papers or on the web enough information to know if it really was her, and I couldn’t bring myself to call the one person I thought might know (someone involved in her church). So in short, I still don’t know if a wonderful, kind but way too shy teenage friend of mine is dead or not, or even whether it was suicide, accident or murder. I hope accident, but the little I do know seems to point to one of the other two possibilities, unfortunately the latter.

So I say call. You want to know, and maybe need to know. If he is dead, then his wife will likely have faced and/or will face many more inquiries from long-lost friends, so I wouldn’t worry about offending her. If he’s alive…then good!

9

There could be a simple explanation why her name is listed and not his. You should call…you’ll never know unless you do.

10

Another vote for “CALL”.

It will bug you if you don’t.

11

OK then…I will place the call this coming weekend and get back to you all and let you know what happened.

Thanks for the advice, and I am kind of surprised not even one person said forget about it.

100% agreement on a SDMB thread.

Wow. That has to be an all time record!

12

So, did you call?

13

I am not sure what open-records they have in Germany, but I would think a local library could check the newspaper obits.

In the US, it’s very easy to find out is someone is dead, especially if you know what county they were official dead in.

14

<bump>

So did you call or what?

15

OK…so, what happened? We’re talking 3 missing persons threads in a week, dude, don’t keep us hanging. Is the guy OK?

16

Yeah for real! Didya call?!?!?!?!

17

I called twice and got no answer and no answering machine.
I hear it was nice weather in Germany last weekend, so they most likely were out and about.

I will try again this weekend and let you know - promise.

18

Finally! Well, keep trying. After auntie em’s saga we need something with closure.

19

OK, so here’s the story.

I made the call to Berlin. The phone rang a few times and a man answered.
“Hello, Joe…is that you?”
Click.
They hung up on me.

So I hit redial.

Again, a man answers and I introduce myself and ask for Joe.
“He left here three years ago.”
“Oh. Do you know where he went?”
“No. We are not on speaking terms and I have no idea where he is.”
“Well, tell Jane that DMark called.”
“OK.”

Click.

So, the good news is that Joe is not dead. The bad new is that as far as his family is concerned, he is. I have no idea if the guy I spoke to was his son, his stepson, or the new man in his ex-wife’s life.

My next task is to try to find Joe here in the US.

But at any rate, I should never have doubted the sage wisdom of my fellow Dopers.