Long story short, a family in my neighborhood has their share of problems. The biggest burden is that their youngest daughter suffers from an undiagnosed form of palsy and cannot walk or speak. She’s 6. She will be wheelchair bound the rest of her life. To make matters worse, in order to qualify for Medicaid neither parent can make over x amount of dollars a year so they can’t hold jobs. They live off his retirement (he is older) and sacrifice frivolities such as vacations and fast food and new clothes for the sake of their handicapped daughter.
I’ve been wanting to do something nice for them for awhile, but never got around to it. Yesterday I decided to quit talking the talk and went out to stores in the area (Target, Best Buy) and bought gift cards with the intention that they could buy gifts for their daughters for Xmas. I knew all along that my gift would have to be given anonymously, because I don’t want them to feel beholden to us in any way. I felt good about doing this until I called my husband. He kind of admonished me and said that they would be mortified to receive such a gift. I explained that I intended to put it in their mailbox and signed, “Love, Santa.” He thinks that they’d put two and two together, realize it was us, and it would offend their dignity.
I’m not feeling so great anymore.
So, now I’m trying to figure out what to do. Should I go ahead and send the gifts anonymously? How would you feel if you opened up a package that was signed, “Love, Santa.” Would you be creeped out? Would you be happy? Or would you feel insulted and think that someone was giving you charity? The last thing I want to do is offend them.
I have all the social grace of a bull elephant, so for what it’s worth, I think it’s a wonderful gesture. Perhaps you could avoid insulting their pride by addressing it to the children?
Do it. If they put two and two together and get you, you can always play coy and neither confirm nor deny. I think the gift cards are an excellent way of helping them out without offending their dignity–you’re not saying “I know you can’t afford new shoes, so here they are”, you’re saying “I know things are tight, use these as you see best.” For all you know, they could use them to buy toys to donate to Toys for Tots, and that would be fine, it’s what they need.
If they do get offended (and they know it’s you), just explained that your intent was not to insult them. I think people understand and value good intentions more than we give them credit for.
“Put two and two together”? Does he mean you two are the only people these folks know who are nice enough to make such a gesture, so they’ll know it’s you, or does he mean they’ll know it was somebody in the neighborhood?
For what it’s worth, I would be touched that someone cared enough about me to want to give me such a gift. It might bother me a little that they felt such a gift was needed, but I’d be thrilled they wanted to make the gesture. And I don’t even have kids to think about. In my experience, people are generally willing to accept help for their children that they might not accept for themselves.
I think it sucks you are feeling badly about this now. I agree it is a wonderful gesture. If I were in the same situation as the family you described, I might initially feel a blow to my ego, but if I thought it through I don’t see an inherent message of insult in your gift cards. Hopefully I’d put my ego aside and get something nice for the girls, especially if that’s who the gift was addressed to. Good suggestion pepperlandgirl.
I completely agree with CrazyCatLady’s statement that people will often accept things on behalf of their children that they wouldn’t accept for themselves.
Please go for it PunditLisa and don’t feel badly - you’re doing a great thing!
I would definitely bring the kids into it. Put the gift cards in an envelope with a note saying something like “Please use these to make sure you and [the kids’ names] have a Merry Christmas! Love, Santa.”
To have someone stick money in your mailbox might awaken fears that they just think you look poor and need charity. To have someone want to make sure your kids have a great Christmas is a hard thing to get offended by.
I think it’s a wonderful thing to do, PunditLisa. You’re a good person.
I feel so much better now. I think I’ll put the gift cards in a Priority envelope and have it mailed by the USPS so that they don’t necessarily think it’s someone in the neighborhood.
