There definitely should be telling, even if it’s the “Hey, I’ve been kinda seeing John…no, I don’t really know where it’s going but it’s nice, I felt weird about telling you but now I’m glad I have” kind of thing. Leaves room for “I wanted to tell you right away, but I wanted to wait a bit and see where it was going plus I felt awkward.”
If LaRossa didn’t know them when they were a couple, it makes it more of a big coincidence, therefore probably easier for Annie to swallow. You introduced them, they got along well - nothing wrong with dating after divorce.
LaRossa should not let Annie’s explosiveness or manipulativeness get to her. Sooner the better. I was recently involved in something even more icky than this, telling was very, very, very hard, but it was the best thing in the end.
Well, I’m going to be blunt and say that this seems to me to be a childish and stupid rule. Even, kellibelli, if the people have been married. Once you’re divorced you should get on with your life. Sure there will be some hurt feelings involved, but I don’t see how anyone can justify the rule “I was involved with him so no one else is allowed to form a relationship with him.”
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by SaxFace *
**Thanks so much for your replies, guys. I really hope LaRossa registers so she can answer these questions herself (it’s hard for me to speak for her).
To your questions:
This is unclear - all our group of friends know is that she left him. Personally, I think she cheated on him with a guy named Paul I saw her with shortly after she left John. Also, Annie was planning on moving to either California or Europe, but never did. I know for a fact John was heartbroken, but I don’t think he’d ever want to get back together with her. His life is a lot better without her in it (his attitude has changed, his career has taken off, etc)
Arnold - it’s not that it’s a rule; it’s an understanding that if two people have had an intense personal relationship which ended on less-than-amicable circumstances, neither of them wants to be constantly confronted with the other person. They may not even be comfortable hearing the other person’s name for quite a while. If John and Jane are married, and Jane and Judy are best friends; then, John and Jane divorce, and John and Judy date, they are making for very awkward social situations. Judy will likely end up having to choose between the two, regardless of whether she wants to. John and Jane likely will not want to be in company together; Jane will not wish to hear about how fabulous John is, and vice versa. Tensions will mount as she is forced to both divide her time between the two of them, and keep things about the other from each of them.
The “rule” changes based on situation. If the two broke up very amicably, then it would be far less of an issue; the length and involvement of the relationship plays a factor, as kelli and Swiddleshave mentioned. By all means, they can get together if they want to, but all people involved should be aware of the situation. Let’s face it - If you are afraid that someone finding out something that you are doing will make them angry - then you probably shouldn’t be doing it behind their back in the first place.
If I am deeply involved with a man, I confide in him. When he pisses me off, I talk to my friend. Should they hook up, am I supposed to listen to her describe him in bed? or the way he kisses her? Or when he is being a jerk - how do I respond to her bitching? If I agree, then its because I am still hung up on him, if I disagree, I still love him. And he will tell her stuff about me too! If she says: Kelli wont go to hte mall with me. He might tell her about my mall phobia, or that I never liked shopping with her, etc etc.
And really, would you want to see a relationship that YOU failed at thrown in your face every day? If me & him couldnt make it work, and him and her DO, then I suck.
Its different for men, they dont confide like we do(a generalizaton I know), but maybe compare it to your best friend fucking your Mom, or to a lesser extent , your sister.
Saxface, I think by the sounds of it that Annie might not go postal. It helps that SHE left HIM, that they are private around friends etc. BUT they were together ten years - thats a long time.
I liked what mag said :“Hey, I’ve been kinda seeing John…no, I don’t really know where it’s going but it’s nice, I felt weird about telling you but now I’m glad I have” kind of thing.
thanks, kell. Swiddles didn’t name me the Patron Saint of Quality-Advice Laden Posters for nothin’! (yeah right). Seriously, though, it’s okay for LaRossa to admit to being uncomfortable - makes the whole thing less threatening, less likely to get Annie’s hackles up. The more sheepish she is, the better! But honesty has gotta happen and happen soon.
Thank you all for your replies - LaRossa is too intimidated to post to the thread, but did say some things via e-mail:
Isnt’ that so nice? LaRossa really is the sweetest person.
Personally I wish Annie would move away so John and LaRossa could have a normal relationship, but it looks like it won’t happen at this time. I think LaRossa is going to protect herself and back off. I’m heartbroken, I think they would be really good for each other.
I guess the last word is what she wrote:
Thanks for your advice everyone, I hope LaRossa is feeling a lot better for having made a decision.
We are drawing two different conclusions from this statement. I interpret “don’t do it behind their back” as “tell them upfront”, whereas you interpret it as “don’t do it at all.” If I am not dating that person with the express intent of hurting their ex, then the ex should not expect me to stop just to please them. There will undoubtedly be awkward social situations, so it’s probably good to minimize the possibilities of those. That doesn’t mean that I have the right to forbid my friends from dating my ex.
kelli:
If your friend starts describing to you how your ex-husband is in bed, and you’re bothered by it, then your friend is insensitive and you need to tell her right away “I don’t want to hear about your sex life with my ex-husband.”
If you’re afraid your ex-husband will start telling his new girlfriend the things you told him about her, then you should ask him not to repeat those, but with the full expectation that he will probably repeat them anyway. That’s why I think if someone irritates you it’s best to bring it up with them in person and not relate it to a third party, because more likely than not it will come back to haunt you later.
My best friend dating my mom? Happens right now, my dad is still married to her.
Very quick clarification - Actually, I mean it as: Either tell them you are doing it, or don’t do it. Either one will work.
And as to your response to kelli - that’s just it, though. That is the kind of conversations that normally take place between girlfriends. If you can’t talk to your girlfriend about the man you are seeing, it just isn’t the same kind of friendship.
By ‘kind of friendship’, tho, you mean the catty, trash-people-behind-their-back, gossippy type friendship, right? Well, hon, I’m sure it makes you feel better to unload your frustrations about your man ‘safely’ to your girlfriend, but it doesn’t get rid of them. It paints a poor picture of him in their eyes, which can cause them to misinterpret what they do see, AND if you do ever actually get around to telling him how you feel, or felt, do you then also mention to him that such-and-such and so-n-so also knows these intimite sides of him, and oh-by-the-way does he mind?
If you want to be intimate with someone, you gotta work out the kinks in-between with them. It does more harm than good in the long run to gossip about them behind their back.
I’m sorry if I’ve been too hard on you, this is kinda a sore point with me right now.
