I personally love these threads, especially since it’s not about me! A friend of mine is looking for advice and gave me permission to post the details here to ask for opinions, personal experiences and thoughts you may have.
The Scoop: My friend, we’ll call her LaRossa, has been friends with a woman (we’ll call her Annie) since January. They went out for dinner or drinks a few times per month and e-mailed several times a week.
Annie had left her husband (we’ll call him John) about two years ago and they are now divorced. John is a good friend of mine and one night a month or so ago, LaRossa, John and I went out for drinks. After I left, the two of them went back to his place and got it on.
LaRossa felt very guilty about it (messing around with her friend’s ex-husband) but dismissed it as an isolated incident and sort of brushed it off.
It happened again last weekend and now LaRossa is having stronger feelings. LaRossa and John are comfortable with each other, are getting to know each other and obviously like each other.
However, Annie is a high strung, insecure and highly explosive woman and LaRossa is scared to tell her about what has happened. Also, she is unclear on what John’s intentions are and is unsure of her own feelings. No one knows the true nature of John’s and Annie’s current relationship (they have the same friends and do run into each other pretty often).
These are her questions: Should LaRossa tell Annie? If so, when? (The three of them are going to be at a wedding this coming weekend but LaRossa is going out with Annie tomorrow night). How should she tell her? Should she tell John she is going to tell her? Should she just forget the whole thing?
I’m going to send her the link to this thread and hopefully she’ll register to give feedback or clear up anything I’ve misstated.
Where the hell did you come up with the hypothetical name ‘LaRossa?’
Is it something that needs to be broken right away? Or could this kindling relationship play itself out a little farther before the big step of telling the one’s friend and the other’s ex?
(Glad to see you made it back to NYC safe, if not sober, Saxy.)
Aw, thanks Milo! I’m glad you didn’t fall asleep at the wheel or careen into a ditch.
I tend to give my friends wacky nicknames - LaRossa’s real name is Lara, but it’s soooooo fun to roll r’s. Plus, she’s very exotic and beautiful - so is the name LaRossa, I suppose.
As far as your question of whether she can wait to see what happens before telling Annie: Since they all have a lot of mutual friends, I think LaRossa is scared Annie is going to find out “through the grapevine” about the “thing” and would be even more volatile towards LaRossa.
What is the ettiquette for dating your friend’s ex-husband?
About the same as dating your friend’s ex-boyfriends, I would guess. There isn’t any because it’s not supposed to be done.
Anyhoo, by your description of Annie, she won’t take it well no matter what her feelings are for her ex. I’d even venture to say that their friendship would be over, with no hope of ever repairing it.
If I were in Lara’s position, I’m not sure I would care what “a high strung, insecure and highly explosive woman” thought…I’d just be happy to get her out of my life.
Sue, you’re awesome. I’m in the same position as you - I don’t like Annie one bit. But I think Lara feels a sense of loyalty, despite her personality. Lara also doesn’t want others to lose respect for her (they won’t but she’s not convinced). Lara is one of those tender hearts that wants everyone to be happy.
My advice is that LaRossa firstly stop refering to Annie as her friend.
She has not behaved as a friend toward her.
If her friendship with Annie is of value to her she needs to immediately break all connection to the ex and beg her friends forgiveness after confessing all.
Otherwise confession serves no purpose.
Even if this once was a friendship, it isn’t anymore. There is no need for confessions, they won’t help you win back a friend you have betrayed. They will only cause more pain.
There is no quantity nor quality of words that could possibly eclipse these actions.
Lara needs to find out what John is wanting from her… a relationship, casual sex, friendship, etc. If he wants a relationship and Lara does too then she should tell Annie about it. I don’t think she should feel guilty for dating Annie’s ex though. Annie is divorced from him so he’s free game now and if Lara likes him and he likes her they should be together if that’s what they want.
But what if John is just using LaRossa/Lara to hurt Annie? In this case telling Annie only serves to give John what he wants. He might then dump LaRossa/Lara. I know this sounds childish, but it wouldn’t be the first time a divorced spouse acted childishly toward their ex.
Did Annie and John have kids?
How long were they together?
What broke them up?
Does Annie have someone in her life right now?
LaRossa and Annie probably cant be friends is LR is going to be involved with John.
Shitboy and I have been apart for years now, but if Angkins was to hook up with him , my head would explode.
Annie would have to be a very special, very kind and understanding person to be OK with this… and she doesnt sound like she is.
My advice (to salvage her reputation among the group of friends) is to tell Annie that she is interested in John, then let Annie tell her NO, then she can say she tried - THEN be seen with John romantically.
I agree, Lara has to find out what John’s intentions are. Even if Annie is a screwball nutcase, if she should find out, flip out, and then Lara and John break up two months later, that’s a lot of heartache and angst for naught.
Without the facts on who made the first move, it’s hard to tell, but I’d be wary for my own sake if a friend’s ex hit on me. Why is he doing this, and, more importantly, if we end up in the same situation Annie and John did, will he end up hitting on MY other friends?
I dunno, I don’t blame Lara for anything, as far as I’m concerned, an ex is just that. But somehow it’s different if YOU are the one hitting on your ex’s friends.
bzzz flashing lights - does not compute.
How is it terrible for someone to go out with the ex-significant other of their friend? If the romantic relationship has ceased then it’s free game.
If a friend of mine starting dating an ex-girlfriend I might not be happy but I don’t see what possible reason I could have to hold it against him.
[Andy Rooney voice on] Did ya ever notice that friends never ask for advice ** before ** they do something stupid, they wait until afterwards to ask 'what should I do ** now**? [Andy Rooney voice off]
Thanks so much for your replies, guys. I really hope LaRossa registers so she can answer these questions herself (it’s hard for me to speak for her).
To your questions:
Kelli said:
No.
about 10 years
This is unclear - all our group of friends know is that she left him. Personally, I think she cheated on him with a guy named Paul I saw her with shortly after she left John. Also, Annie was planning on moving to either California or Europe, but never did. I know for a fact John was heartbroken, but I don’t think he’d ever want to get back together with her. His life is a lot better without her in it (his attitude has changed, his career has taken off, etc)
She jumps from guy to guy. I can think of about 5 guys she’s hooked up (yes, some are in our circle of friends) since she left John.
wring: I bet LaRossa is cracking up over that!
spooje, sue, kelli: One of the reasons that this is complicated is because John and Annie were very private amongst themselves. No one ever knew the nature or stability of their relationship while they were married. I don’t know how long Annie had been wanting to leave, etc. LaRossa did not know either one of them while they were married.
