This may get confusing but I’ll try to keep it as clear and concise as possible.
My best friend Anne* asked me what, if anything, she should do about a very delicate situation involving her ex-husband.
Anne and her former husband Jack split up a few years ago but still have a very good relationship- no fighting over custody of their son, still friendly with each other. Anne married her current husband, Dan, a year ago. Shortly thereafter, Jack married his current wife, Cathy. Cathy and Jack recently had a son of their own.
Jack and Dan work together, so they see each other on an almost daily basis. Apparently, Jack confessed to Dan that while his wife was out of town last week, he cheated on her with a girl he’d dated prior to marrying Cathy. Jack, of course, asked Dan not to tell anyone, but he had to tell his wife Anne, and Anne told me. But, aside from us, no one knows.
Anne doesn’t know what to do. She obviously thinks this is Not Okay and is something Cathy should know about, but doesn’t know how to broach the subject, or if she should at all. She’s afraid of ruining the friendly relationship she has with her ex-husband and his new wife.
What to do? We were discussing all sorts of possibilities, like anonymous notes or having a neutral third party tell Cathy he’d seen Jack out with another woman. How would you handle it?
This is something that came up once or twice a year in the old Ann Landers column. She always said to not tell the cheated-on spouse. First, she probably already knows. Second, telling her will almost certainly harm your relationship with her.
Even Miss Manners says not to tell the cheated spouse. It’s none of your business and can only do harm. She draws the line, however, at lying for someone else. If Jack asks Dan to lie for him, Dan should refuse.
Why would you even think of telling Cathy? So you can give yourself a pat on the back? I might have missed this, or you may have left it out of the story, but what allegience do you have to Cathy? You should be allied with Jack, not Cathy.
Dan “had” to tell Anne, did he? And Anne presumably “had” to tell you?
You all should mind your own business. And make yourself a note to never ever tell Dan anything, since it’s obvious he doesn’t know how to keep his trap shut.
Nobody has anything to do about this except Dan, who might encourage Jack to look into his own heart and figure out what HE (Jack) thinks he should do–whether that’s confess or erase it from memory–and then do it. The rest of you should walk away.
It’s a no-brainer. Keep your mouth shut. Most cheated-on spouses are aware of it but choose to ignore it. It’s like telling somebody that they’re fat – they’re probably aware of it already, but chances are they will be annoyed at you for telling them. Because they prefer not to confront it, at least at the time.
Some people cannot confess directly when they have done wrong, or need to deliver news or confront someone.
So what they do is tell somone else (preferably a busybody) and swear them to secrecy, knowing full well that the person is incapable of keeping it.
It gets it out there, they didn’t have to initiate it, and they have the added bonus of being able to claim to be a victim.
It’s chickenshit, but it happens.
BTW, if I had to get something ‘off my chest’ and didn’t want it broadcast, I would NOT tell someone who may be involved with it. Since Dan knows both Cathy and Anne, he is definitely ‘involved’. It was unfair to burden him with knowledge. If he kept to himself, and Jack eventually confessed on his own, Dan will face some consquence for having kept the secret.
I came in to say what astro said. There’s no such thing as a “secret” known by five (Jack, Dan, Anne, you, and Jack’s old girlfriend). I can almost guarantee that others know already.
I’m a moralistic son of a bitch, but I’ll cast another vote for not telling. It is obviously in their son’s best interest for Anne and Jack to maintain a good relationship with each other, and this is not accomplished by Anne ratting out Jack. The son’s welfare must come first.