I vote for “get a hobby.” Whether the guy wants to be outed or not, this is no way to do it, and there is no reason for anyone to participate in it. Either way, whipping up controversies over other people’s sex lives is not a good use of your time. But if you really feel you have to, perhaps you should be asking all your friends why it is that Anne is so deeply invested in Jack’s love life. Perhaps the divorce isn’t quite as final as had been previously thought? That’s bullshit, of course, but what the hell. If you’re going to develop your own soap opera, you may as well get started on the B-story now.
I dunno. I think this is a lie that cheaters tell themselves so that they feel like they have implied permission. “She knows, she just doesn’t want to admit it it, so clearly it’s ok with her”. My husband could cheat on me seven ways to Sunday and I’d never know because it wouldn’t cross my mind. He’s never to my knowledge lied to me and I trust him absolutely. The crazy stories would REALLY have to pile up before I became suspicious.
Not that that means you should tell someone. Stay out of it. You have no standing to interfere in this, and it won’t do any good.
I’ve been party to a similar situation, and the answer is that the only person who should be telling Cathy is either the husband himself or a close friend who has her best interests at heart. Third parties have no business inserting themselves.
Hmm… lots of "MYOB"s, I see. As for the posters wondering why I even care, I’m friends with all involved, though closer with Anne and her husband. The way I see it is, if I were in Cathy’s situation, and a friend knew of the cheating but didn’t tell me, I’d be upset. Not super-pissed, friendship-ending upset, because I understand it’s a difficult position for someone to be in, but I’d be pissed no one told me. Hell, the other night a friend I haven’t seen in a while, who didn’t know I’d broken up with my boyfriend asked if we were still together. When I said, “No, why?” he told me he’d seen him with another girl.
I agree with Manda JO. Unless it’s an ongoing affair, the cheater sucks at sneaking around, or the cheatee is a snoopy, suspicious type, I doubt most people know when they’re being cheated on. Especially if it’s a one-time, hook up with some skank at a bar kind of thing.
And I definitely believe spooje’s take on it. My first thought when Anne told me was, “How thick can Jack be, telling his ex-wife’s new husband? Does he WANT to get caught?”
Not just “lots” of MYOBs – unanimous MYOBs. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a totally united reaction to a relationship question here.
Well personally I say tell her. You both obviously want to and no doubt both you and Anne* have already “had” to tell other people. Imagine being beaten to the punch by a second string busybody who only got the gossip from you anyway.
Well, no, I haven’t told anybody.* I don’t want to be the one to tell her. My first thought was that Dan should encourage Jack to fess up, but that’s unlikely. Dan apparently said nothing when Jack told him, acted like it was the usual boring workplace banter. Hell, I would encourage Jack to fess up, except I’m not supposed to know.
Anyhow, I resent your assumption that I’m a gossipy busy body who’s thrilled to have the latest dirt on someone. It sucks, actually, and I’d rather not know, because now I’m going to feel shitty every time I see Jack and Cathy.
*Well, except the Teeming Millions.
There’s a logical fallacy here somewhere.
I mean, the reason it would never cross your mind isn’t because you trust him, but because he is trustworthy.
My spouse, who I do not believe has ever cheated, occasionally gets ‘interested’ in others. It’s nothing embarrassing or dangerous or threatening, just what can happen when one person likes someone of the preferred gender, but I can always tell. And if someone ever told me my spouse was cheating, I’d be right royally pissed.
Well, of course I don’t know if I can always tell.
I don’t really know what to do. I agree with the advice so far I guess, but I can’t imagine spending time with people knowing that kind of secret about them.
Speaking of, what kind of idiot cheats on his wife and then tells someone about it!?!? I would not cheat, but if I did, you can bet that I wouldn’t even tell my closest friend. Some secrets are too important to tell, and cheating would certainly qualify.
Logically you’re 100% correct, but most humans are empathy engines. The need to connect by sharing emotions and feelings is very basic & powerful. As an ultimate example you’d think that killing someone would be at the tip top of this “keep quiet” pile, but given the right circumstances people get chatty about even this (and get caught). It makes me think the best secret agents and detectives are probably huge gossips.
Here’s a thought experiment. Did the cheater practice safe sex? Is his wife potentially at risk of contracting a serious disease? If you had a friend that was exposed to a potentially serious disease would you tell her? If the answer is “yes,” why is this situation any different?
:smack: That, actually, was something Anne & I discussed that led us towards the conclusion that she needs to know, but how to tell her?
Point blank? You did not create this situation. It may damage your relationship, but so would her dying of AIDS.
Tell her that she needs to be tested for STD’s and her husband knows why, if you cannot be more direct.
I agree that MYOB was good advice back in the day, but things have changed. I sure as hell would want to know if my SO was a liar and a cheater, and would thank anyone who wised me up.
Aw, come on. This Cecil column estimates:
So that risk, however much it sparks the imagination, is totally negligble compared to the very real risk of broken hearts, fight that scar the son’s couple, the trauma’s of divorce for all people involved, etc. Anne might as well feel compelled to tell Cathy she should stay indoors not to risk getting in a car accident.
That particular column by Cecil only talks about AIDS. There are great many other STDs out there, mind you, and several of them are incurable.
Out of all the people mentioned by name in this scenario, only Jack has first-hand knowledge of what happened. Dan only knows what Jack told him, Anne only knows what Dan told her, and RedRoses only knows what Anne told her.
I’d be very reluctant to act on third- or fourth-hand information. The possibility of significant inaccuracy is quite real. Consider the consequences of someone telling Cathy that X happened, only to find out later that Y is what actually happened. I sure wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that mess.
So, another reason to say nothing is that you don’t know for a fact what, if anything, occurred.
The thing is, if somebody is a regular cheater, the evidence will really pile up fast. The other person’s smell will be on them when they come home, and there will be a pattern of absences from home too, which will be difficult to explain over an extended period. I suppose one could beat the smell by taking regular showers, but comon, if your husband suddenly starts working out; showering at the gym every day; and coming home fresh smelling, then he’s most likely cheating.
Now, if somebody is an occasional cheater - for example the husband goes to a trade show in Vegas and has a quickie with somebody in the West Coast Office, then yeah, the wife might never figure it out.
See, that wouldn’t occur to me. I’d just be happy he was being healthy. And if he were having nooners at the other woman’s house, using her shower, and going back to work, he certainly wouldn’t be coming home with a “just showered” gleam. Or if he only met her on my late nights, when I get home hours after he does–again, there wouldn’t be any obvious clues as long as he was careful, and the subtle ones would go over my head. And I promise that goes two ways–I could be having an affair and he’d never notice, because he trusts me completely.
Maybe we are unusually not in each other’s pockets, but there are many hours a week where we each could be cheating. It wouldn’t be that hard.
Maybe I am oversensitive, but if I discovered my husband was cheating and then someone presumed that I “must have known”, as if I were tacitly approving, I’d be infuriated. It sounds like classic blaming the victim.
I daresay you can tell when it’s someone you know, but can you tell when there is someone at work he’s interested in, someone you’ve never met?
Honestly, I think my husband’s trustwothy, but who doesn’t believe that about their spouse? I have to assume I’d believe he was trustworthy even if he weren’t.
Oh, no, it’s never someone I know. That would just be too wrong.
It’s usually a co-worker, or a business aquaintance. Eventually I meet them at some business function. They are usually good-looking, fun, and intelligent, or at least witty. Nothing inappropriate occurs, my spouse is just a bit more aware of them. And I can tell.
Well, lots of people don’t trust their spouses. Lots of people have terrible taste in mates, and just yearn for the cheaters and loser and abusers. If you are a sensible and lucky woman, you fell for a good man. You’re probably not blindly trusting, but a good judge of character.
As for the health risk, surely a married man, even one dumb enough to talk about cheating with a former girlfriend, knows enough to use a condom, and not just believe she’s being completely honest and responsible about birth control.