My father-in-law is dying. He went into the hospital with a collapsed lung (after waiting much too long) and they discovered cancer. There doesn’t seem to be much they can do at this point: they can’t find a tumor, though they found the cancerous cells in the lung (adenocarcinoma). It’s evidently not likely to respond to treatment (they’ll be talking to an oncologist next week).
It’s going to be a long process. At the moment, he’s still feeling pretty good and is home. The diagnosis doesn’t seem to faze him; he’s happy to be home and not in the hospital, and he’s actually feeling better now that they drained 3+ liters of fluid ( :eek: ) from his left lung. The fluid will return, and he’ll probably have to go back to have that drained again, but, for now, he’s OK.
The big issue now is with my wife. She will have to be the primary caregiver (her brother will help, but he’s a half-hour away, while she’s five minutes) and the stress is already beginning. At this point, it’s just visiting every couple of days and taking him to doctor’s appointments and trying to get him to eat more. But it’s already starting to take its toll.
I’m doing what I can, but she needs more support. Does anyone know of any online support groups and advice?
This is so tough to go through. I know because my father had Alzheimer’s and all the health related stuff that seems to go along with it. You can be a big help just being there for your wife and FIL. I know you all still have to talk with the oncologist and all, but if it is terminal, perhaps hospice will be able to help. Hospice is a wonderful thing when someone is dying. Hospice workers are the most caring, compassionate people ever. They will be a big help to your FIL and the family.
Your FIL and the whole family are in my thoughts and prayers RealityChuck.
Arrange to be with your FIL yourself a few times a month and encourage her to go out with friends…even if it’s just for a few hours. It will do wonders for recharging her batteries.
My BIL helped with my FIL by shaving him and taking care of the unpleasant business of toenail trimming. It’s a thought…I don’t think anyone would fault you if you begged off on those tasks.
I’m big on internet research and phone calls and such with my SIL. It doesn’t seem like much, but the family seems very appreciative.
If you know how to cook, you can prepare some meals that your wife can take over to his place. Again…doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s one less thing for her to contend with.
You can help with housework at FIL’s. Do a couple loads of laundry, run the vaccuum, etc.
All these little things will be appreciated by both of them. Wishing you all strength.
I absolutely second swampie’s recommendation. I lost my Mom to breast cancer a year ago this week, and hospice was the only thing that truly got ME through that. The hospiice organization took spectacular care of my Mom in her final weeks, and was of tremendous support to my family. Your FIL’s doctor may have already suggested hospice; if not, do inquire.
I will tell you that it was very hard on my husband. Dealing with the stress of losing a parent while trying to function through “everyday” life took a big toll on me, and I know now that he felt very helpless, wating to support me and having no idea how to. I was just about useless to him; he’d ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” and I could not think of a single thing. What he did do was quietly step up and take over the things I just couldn’t cope with, and did not ask me to handle anything beyond what I was already handling. If I wasn’t home to make dinner, he would order a pizza and make sure the kid got fed. He checked homework, washed the dishes and changed the litterbox. I was ass-deep in doctors and medical equipment, and whenever I questioned a doctor’s word, he went online and dug up an answer (or at least a coherent question I could ask.)
At the time, I wasn’t even really aware of all he was doing to pick up my “slack” but looking back now, just not being an additional responsibility on me was the most helpful thing he could have done, and he did it without ever making me consciously aware that he was.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Hang in there.
I third Hospice care. Not only are they hands-on but they are a font of information as well. They were a great help while my father was in nursing home before passing away last month.
And please, please, please arrange for Power of Attorney. There is so much paperwork that can get stymied without that little piece of paper.
Hospice Care…the best thing evah. You can get so much help from them! They do my SIL’s grocery shopping, send a masseuse twice a month, have a visiting nurse, provided a hospital bed and recliner, will help with housework, and they have great information on what to expect. No doubt your FIL’s doctors will turn you on to it once they have a better idea of what his condition/chances of recovery are.
This is very good advice. It’ll be hard on you, especially if you have a full-time career, but having been on the recieving end of it myself, I can’t express how grateful I was that my husband stepped in and took care of the mundane things that either didn’t occur to me to do or seemed almost insurmountable on top of everything else I was dealing with. My crisis was only short-term; I imagine with a long-term problem that the stress relief would be even greater.
Thanks very much, everyone. I hadn’t realized hospice helped families whose member wasn’t under their care.
The stress on my wife is the real issue. She’s a worrier to begin with, and this makes it difficult. It’s only been a few weeks and she’s still exhausted at the end of the day.
Are there any online forums where people can chat about this sort of thing?