A good friend is dying, and I need some advice (kinda longish)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the situation, in as small a nutshell as I can get it:

He’s in his early 50’s, married, two kids (one going into 2nd grade, one going into 7th). He went thru a year of chemotherapy for liver cancer of unknown origin. Three months later, he’s into another round of chemo because the cancer is still in his liver and now it’s in his lungs as well. He’s now on some type of “level III” experimental drug that he must get from a cancer clinic in another city.

He looks horrible, is jaundiced, barely eats, has some pain. He tries to go to work (between appointments), and has a very sympathetic supervisor that lets him telecommute and take as much time as he needs.

The wife seems to be in denial - he’s got an appointment with his oncologist this week about a CAT scan that he had last week. She won’t go, because she “can’t miss work.” (She works part-time in a book store). She also told the person taking the husband to the doctor things like, “Don’t let the doctor give him bad news. Don’t let the doctor tell him he’s dying. Don’t let the doctor write him off.”

She’s got medical problems of her own that she’s not doing anything about. She also knows that she needs to find a full time job with [good] benefits, but she hasn’t started looking. She’s certified to teach, but she doesn’t want to anymore.

It always seemed to me that they were somewhat “off” in their family life - maybe you could call it “no luck.”

The question is what can I do? I’m in the technical/computer field, so I can’t help her find a job. Perhaps they need to speak to a social worker, someone who can help them work out a list of what needs to be done and how to accomplish them. How could I bring this up to them? (BTW, I’m not the only one who feels this way - there are several others in “our group” that feel the same way.

They really need to get their acts together, so to speak.

And prayers would help, too.

2

I don’t know if I have any good advice, but good luck to you and them.

How are the kids through this? Do they know of their father’s situation? Do you know how long he is expected to live (I assume with liver and lung cancer that the prognosis is not good)? How is the family going to sit financially?

It might be kind of morbid, but I’d say step one would be to get an idea of where the family is going to be when your friend does die.

3

Get the father to write down some stuff for his kids. I have a hard as nails buddy who today, 30 years after his father passed away from complications with hepatitus, still has resentment a mile thick that pops never left him any words of wisdom.

4

I’m not sure your exact relationship to these people, but you aren’t the primary caregiver. That places limits on how much you can do.

As someone who was primary caregiver for a terminal cancer patient recently, here’s what I would have wanted from friends and family:

  1. Keep your cool. People who are going through that experience have enough to worry about already.

  2. Check in regularly. Even if it’s just a telephone call or coffee, staying in touch once a week or once every other week counts for a lot.

  3. If you want to raise difficult subjects with people, the best time to do so is at the end of a good meal. Ask them first whether they’re okay talking about it the topic.

Best wishes.

5

The family is not going to be well off financially, AFAIK. As I mentioned, the wife works only part-time. I know that he’s working as much as he can, but he takes off time for many medical appointments and procedures. I don’t think they’ve ever made a great deal of money - they’ve never had a house, and I believe that his wife told me once that most of the furniture was handed down to them. That’s why it’s so important that the wife gets a job with good benefits.

The older child knows all about the illness and prognosis. I don’t know if the younger one fully understands what’s going on.

True - just a close friend. I visit once a week, on Saturday afternoons, and talk to him/his wife once or twice a week during the week. I also repaired their PC for them, loaded some software, that kind of stuff as well.

6

A couple which has been friends of the family went through exactly this a couple of years ago (at least it ended a couple of years ago, when he finally passed away). At least the wife had a good job, so the financials were less of an issue. It was incredibly hard for all of us, though, to see her in denial about how much time she had left to spend with him; none of us really understood how she could continue to put in such long hours at work, knowing that her husband of more than 30 years had a few weeks to live, at best.

From what she and the kids (who are my age more or less, that is ranging from late 20’s to early 30’s) have said since his death, it was a great comfort to all of them to know that they had good friends who could be counted on for everything from lending an ear on the phone or a shoulder to cry on, to bringing over a casserole for dinner or picking up a visiting relative from the airport. Everyone also made sure to keep in close touch after he finally passed away, and have kept the family within their circle of activities.

Oddly enough, in this case the dying man was the most accepting of his own fate, more so than the rest of his immediate family. Even during his final hospital stay, when he was drifting in and out of consciousness, he would wake up and ask, chuckling, “Am I still alive?” Maybe you can talk to your friend about what he wants, or how he feels you can help?

And a social worker might be able to offer some concrete suggestions, but only if the wife is willing to hear them. She may feel quite depressed, directionless, and at a loss on how to handle the situation, especially facing being left alone with 2 kids and no solid means of support. I hope your friend has a decent life insurance policy to see them through the early rough patches. Is there a clergy person connected with the family who might be able to offer some advice? Other friends who have been through something similar, God forbid? Do the kids’ teachers and friends (and friends’ parents) know what is going on with the family, so they can keep an eye out for trouble?

Just some thoughts. Good luck to all of you.

7

My prayers are with your friends and for you the wisdom to know how to help.

8

One other thing I’ll add to my list of suggestions: listening. That means hearing from a perspective of respect for the speaker.

One of the subtler difficulties I faced as a primary caregiver was well meaning people who played amateur psychologist.

It’s never an easy conversation to say in so many words, “Put your secret decoder ring away. I’m telling you the truth. You ought to know me well enough to trust my judgement. There’s more happening here than you understand.”

Caregiving is a draining endeavor. For basically rational people, oversights are more likely to result from exhaustion than any other source. One of the greatest gifts a friend can offer a caregiver is to ask, “How can I can help your team?”

To quote Jane Austen, “I would rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere.”

9

While the wife may be in denial, it’s most likely that the husband isn’t. When hospice came in for my brother as he died, they gave us a pamphlet about what someone who is dying does. My brother fit that profile to a tee.

They stop communicating, they stop sociallizing, stop eating, stop pretty much everything in “preparation” for death. The pamphlet suggests that it’s to help the living prepare as much as the ill patient.

Anyways, you may want to contact a local hospice. They do this stuff very well. They may be able to offer you some ideas on how to effectively and successfully communicate with the wife.

You and they will be in my thoughts. It is not easy and that you are willing to just listen, is a good thing and will ong be remembered by the survivors.