Advice on dealing with stubborn kids

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I picked up a private tutoring gig through a friend of a friend. It’s for a 4 year old Korean girl. It doesn’t start until next month, but I dropped by their house the other day just to introduce myself and discuss stuff with the mom.

Some background: the family seems to be pretty well off. They live in an expensive neighborhood and the kid has two playrooms (she still sleeps in her parents’ room, in a separate bed). These two playrooms are probably as big as our entire apartment. Obviously the apartment is also huge - instead of a TV they have a screen projector and a sound system with about ten speakers. The dad is a doctor (haven’t met him) and the mother - not sure what she does.

The mom admitted to me that her daughter is a bit spoiled and stubborn. I saw an example of this during my half-hour visit.

Mom: Sweetie, why don’t you go take a bath with the ajumma? (Ajumma - their maid)
Kid: Don’t wanna!
Mom: But you didn’t take one yesterday either. Don’t you want to be clean?
Kid: -makes whiny noises-
Mom: Okay, maybe later.
Kid: NO!
Me: :dubious:

Thankfully, the kid seems to like me - she took me by the hand and showed me around her house, and introduced me to all her dolls. I even got her to speak a little English to me (her mom says she hates speaking English when asked to, but I just talked to her in English and eventually she responded on her own).

She likes to read and do art projects, and her mom doesn’t expect any hardcore tutoring - basically she just wants me to hang out with the kid and speak to her in English. But I’m sort of dreading dealing with any potential tantrums. The kid doesn’t seem to have a mean or crazy streak - she just seems used to getting her own way.

So I’m just looking for general advice on ways to deal with stubborn 4-year-olds (that don’t involve any severe discipline - obviously as a hired tutor I can’t exactly put her on a naughty step), and possibly as a bonus any activity suggestions that kids her age might enjoy. (I think the mom wants two hour sessions at a time). Coloring and drawing are the extent of what I can come up with for the moment (I’m not really used to teaching toddlers). She doesn’t really like singing, I think, so songs are out. Games would be nice, but I’m not sure what games I can play with just one kid.

Thanks in advance!

2

You’re not likely to get hit with the same level of defiance she shows her parents, since you’ll be more of a novelty. The cool thing about kids this age is that they are extremely distractable. Overplan possible activities, especially at first, and then if she gets cranky you can pull the next shiny thing out. The attention span of a 4-year-old is not extremely long, so be alert to signs of restlessness and move on before you get into tantrum territory.

I’ve been teaching English to German kids this age for a few years, both in groups and privately, and I find it’s good to have a variety of materials on hand so I can match their mood. It’s a pity she doesn’t like singing, because that can be a great way to get kids moving and entertained while the words go in, like with ‘Head Shoulders Knees and Toes’ or ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider.’ I always have a few pictures to draw in my bag and lots of colored pencils.

Board books (I’m partial to pretty much all the board books from Sandra Boynton, especially ‘Blue Hat Green Hat’ and ‘The Going to Bed Book’) are a hit in quieter moods, and kids love repetition, so plan on reading the same book almost every session. As far as games, I like playing memory with kids. I have a set with pictures of animal babies, so I can introduce and reinforce the vocabulary by naming everything that gets shown, and the kids love it because they beat me almost every time.

3

Tell a multichapter story that you will only continue if she behaves,
Worked for Sheherazade

4

Heh.

I like the memory game idea. Thanks!

5

I have a monstrously stubborn 4 year old. It’s hard with things that have to be done (like compulsory domestic tasks) because you can’t easily go around. In the case of my kid, he would rather suffer a severe detriment than back down. He is an immovable object.

However, as shantih says above, little kids are distractable sometimes. My older one was very distractable at four. My younger one will realise you are trying to distract him and resist. Distraction works on most kids most of the time.

They also get themselves into situations where they know they have backed themselves into a corner of stubborn-ness but they will not let themselves out even when at one level they want to. Consequently, if you offer them a slight (meaningless, trivial) compromise when they have dug in for a fight and are starting to regret it but won’t back down, they will often grab it like a lifeline.

It’s all easier said than done, though. I’m not very good at it. I’m too stubborn myself :wink:

6

Maybe this will work.

7

Hah! Maybe when the mom’s not looking.

8

One more tip – offer a choice when you can, between options that are both good for you. “All right, Kid, should we color this picture or that picture next? Do you want the green pencil now or the blue one? Which book should we read now, Book One or Book Two?” It gives her a sense of power and control but you are still setting the parameters.

9

First problem I see with Mom’s exchange: she asked a question, and the girl answered it honestly!

4 year olds are very concrete in their language skills. If you ask them if they want to take a bath, they’ll answer honestly. She didn’t want to take a bath, so she said so. Honestly, what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong, of course, is that Mom didn’t really want to know if she *wanted *to take a bath, she wanted to tell her to take a bath!

So that’s my first tip. If it’s time to do X, tell her that, don’t ask. And yes, giving her fair choices (meaning you’re okay with either one) is a good way to do it while still giving her control. “It’s time to put on your shoes - do you want to wear the red ones or the black ones?” is better than “Do you want to put on your shoes?”

Some kids do really well with advance warning. My daughter’s a stubborn one, and I’ve learned to give her 10, 5, 2 and 1 minute warnings before we transition from one activity to another. “10 more minutes to play in the park! Do you want to go on the swings before we leave?” “5 more minutes!” “2 more minutes - swings or slide?” “1 more minute and then we’re leaving and going to the store.” “Okay, time to go to the store now.”

For other kids, repeated time alerts are simply a reason to have repeated meltdowns. So you’ll just have to experiment with that one and find out how she is.

Try to say yes as much as possible, but remember that a “not now” can be phrased as a yes. “Sure we can go to the park - as soon as you pick up your toys!” “Yes, of course we can do painting, after you’ve eaten lunch!” This a) makes you a good guy for not saying no, b) helps teach sequencing and time order and c) puts the “no” in her court. If she doesn’t clean up her toys, you’re not going to the park, but it’s because of her choice, not because you’re a big ol’ meanie!

If you do these things as much as possible, you’ll gain a reputation for being a nice, reasonable person, and that makes it go over better when you really do have to take unilateral action. “I’m sorry you’re upset, but you must hold my hand when we cross the street, that’s not a choice, that’s the way it is.”

Routine helps a lot at this age. If you’ve got a number of activities or subjects her parents want you to cover with her, try to do them in the same order each time. If she resists one (say, she loves coloring but isn’t crazy about reading), then put the resisted one in the middle. Make up a set of index cards with the tasks to be completed, and make a little poster with pockets in two columns - To Do and All Done. As she finishes each task, she gets to move the card to the All Done column. She’s less likely to resist the dreaded task if she’s accomplished several already and still has one she likes to look forward to.

10

I’m going to have to offer a negative opinion. If, as seems to be the case, the parents aren’t addressing their child’s stubborness, you’re not going to be able to step in and do it.

11

That mother needs to learn there’s a difference between wishing for good behavior and expecting it. WhyNot’s advice is great.

12

I don’t want to interfere in the kid’s upbringing. I just want to know how I can best deal with the kid’s stubbornness for two hours at a time, not necessarily fix it. :slight_smile:

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I’ll definitely put it to good use!

13

This really jumped out at me. Private tutoring one-on-one for a 4-year old is already WTF for me, but two hours at one time?

I would plan for several breaks with body movement, because I would never expect a 4-year old to sit still for two hours.

Does she only not like to sing herself, or does she dislike music in general? That is, if you turn on a CD player and dance along to the music, you singing, she just dancing - would she like that? I’m surprised that a kid that age doesn’t like singing, but maybe she feels self-conscious about her voice. Can you borrow Orff instruments (wood xylophones and similar) so she can make music a different way? (All to accompany you and learn English songs, naturally). I think that all kids like music because it’s such an important part of being human, it’s only later that they loose faith, similar to painting.

And WhyNot’s tips are quite good.

If you see that 2 hours are too long, I hope you can either break it up in two 1-hour segments or maybe get some other kids. The usual time I hear for teaching kids that small is 20 minutes, longer than that is overload.

14

Nobody has mentioned a wiffle ball bat.

15

Oh! As for what to do with her, the internet is most definitely your friend. Google stuff like rainy day activities or 4 year old activities and your only problem will be narrowing it down or getting supplies! This is one of my favorite pages, high up on Google’s search: Red Shift Internet Solutions

Really, it sounds like it doesn’t matter so much *what *you do. Baking cookies would work, and you simply narrate the whole process, modeling English words and grammar. Language building works best if it’s in a natural environment. Learning “butter” and “flour” and “1/2 cup” are so much more fun and easier if you’re measuring and mixing, rather than learning a list of words off a sheet of paper!

Take her to the park, and tell her the English words for trees and squirrel and grass and slides. Take her shopping, and she’ll learn “please and thank you” and “shopping bag” and “door” and “sidewalk”. Get her out of the house as much as you can, since there are a finite number of objects and activities to label there.

When I had my first baby, I thought, “what on earth am I going to DO with him all day?” I quickly found out…everything I already do. Only with a baby, you talk to them while you do it. “Time to do laundry, now! See, I’m measuring the detergent. Detergent helps make our clothes clean and smell nice! It’s got a hydrophobic end to grab the dirt and a hydrophillic end to ride out on the water, isn’t that neat?!” I mean, I must have sounded like a total lunatic, but that’s honestly how babies and kids learn language. Did he as a 9 month old have one flippin’ clue what “hydrophillic” meant? Absolutely not. But he learned the rhythm and pattern of the language while I babbled at him, and retained those vocabulary words that were important to his world.

She’ll do the same, only it’s even easier because she can ask you questions and let you know what she’s interested in in Korean. Soon, much sooner than you think, she’ll be doing it in English, too!

16

Okay, I loved your first post in this thread and was taking notes for when the Little One turns that age, but this… is totally fantastic.

17

Cattle prod.

18

:smiley: You do what you can to prevent brain atrophy as a new mom!

We also played “Cranium, clavicle, patella, phalanges” to the tune of “Head, shoulders, knees and toes!” Nerdy babies FTW! :smiley:

19

I see what you did there, but it’s spelled Fantastik.

20

My kid is bad with transitioning activities. What I find works is the “giving him fair warning and choice” thing.

As in, the kid is having fun colouring but it is almost time for his bath. I say “Would you like to have your bath right now, or colour for another 2 minutes and then have your bath?” Kid usually says “I wanna colour for another 2 minutes!” - then, 2 minutes later, he’s usually willing to go to the bath without fuss.