Advice on how a wedding-phobe can endure his wedding

In My Humble Opinion
1

So my girlfriend and I may get married at year’s end or next spring…but that’s not the real question of this thread.

The question is; I absolutely ***dread ***weddings. And need to find a way to tolerate my own.

I don’t hate weddings in some snooty I’m-better-than-those-bridezillas-or-materialistic-splurgers way, I simply hate them like I hate most ceremonial occasions like funerals (but weddings above all.) I have been a guest, or pianist, in more weddings than I can count, and positively dread having to go through one myself. Maybe it’s because I’m anti-social and would hate being the center of attention (although technically the true center of attention is the bride, not the groom), but the fuss and festivity of it makes me want to pull out my hair.

Some may say, “Just grin and bear it, it’s just one day” - but it’s not just one day. It’s months of planning, sending out invitations, prep, getting the facility + decorations + people flying in for the event, having to invite all kinds of relatives, contact so many people, buy this or that, dress up for this or that, and just so much…uggh.

I haven’t broached this sentiment to my GF, since she does want a wedding (and I think that it would be a bigger sacrifice for her to go without a wedding than for me to go through one,) but how do I make the whole ordeal more tolerable?

2

Unfortunately, it is just grin and bear it. You have to deal with people staring at you for an hour at the church, then the worst is over.
After that, your job is mostly done. If you have a DJ they’ll MC the reception. They’ll introduce the party, they’ll have the best man/MoH, parents do their speech and you just sit there and look amused. Other than a dance with your bride and possibly one with your mother, no one is really paying a whole lot of attention to you at that point.
For me, the worst part was mingling. You have to go around to each table and spend two or three minutes making small talk with everyone. That’s what I hated. I’m not a drinker but I found my self with a gin and tonic in my hand most of the night just so my mouth wouldn’t get dry from talking. As it turns out, a lightweight like me can talk pretty easily after two or three of those.

I’m working on the assumption that all the parents are alive and invited.
A lot of this is likely to be her and her mom (or wedding planner/maid of honor/friend) worrying about all this little stuff, she’ll tell you what you need to do. Or, at the very least just make sure you keep saying ‘is there anything you need me to do?’ and take care of whatever it is.
TLDR: Stay out of her way and drink at the reception.

3

Dancing in front of everyone as audience, uggh…another dreaded part of it.

Anyhow, thanks for the advice :slight_smile:

4

Also, speaking as a survivor of my own wedding planning: if your fiancee asks for your opinion on a choice (i.e., “should we pick X or Y?”), even if you really do not care at all, and have no idea what to choose, it’s very likely that “I don’t care” is the incorrect answer. Express an honest opinion, even if it’s “I like X a little more, but they both look good to me.”

5

Also, even if you feel like “everyone is looking at me,” they actually probably aren’t – they’re looking at “the couple,” and more specifically, the bride.

6

Nobody is going to be looking at you. You’re the accessory. The punchline. The prop. Just smile politely and try not to step on her dress. It’ll all be over before you know it. And here’s a tip to calm your nerves… the bar opens early for the groom.

7

I was a groomsman at a wedding in a small town in northern Wisconsin, where I learned a valuable tip: the inside breast pocket of a tuxedo is just the right size for a pint of hooch.

8

Hey, I had it worse…I didn’t want to have a wedding either, but I did…and I was the bride. Let me not sugarcoat this: it was fucking awful. But you know, it’s over and I never have to do it again.

That was the worst! I think I actually started a thread at the time called “Can you have a wedding with no dancing?” Answer: “Suck it up, buttercup.”

Anyway, we didn’t have “a song”, and my husband-to-be wouldn’t express an opinion. If I’d followed my heart, I’d have chosen Weird Al’s Good Enough for Now, but I might have been the only one laughing.

In the end, I chose a slow song that I was pretty sure my husband didn’t hate: Sting’s Fields of Gold. Ick! I can never hear it again. So we got up there and we swayed around for about two years but the fucking song wouldn’t end. In reality, it was probably only about 45 seconds, but I couldn’t tolerate being stared at anymore, so I told my husband I was done and we just went back to the table and sat down. Everyone was perplexed, especially the DJ. :o Eventually he gave up and played some other song and other people danced. It was horrid.
Oh and by the way, congratulations! :smiley:

9

Go to your local City Hall and get married a few days before the wedding.

Then, you and your wife can have the ceremony for your family and friends. But since you’re already married, you won’t feel so much pressure. And you and your wife will enjoy the shared secret. I feel that if you hate big ceremonies, you shouldn’t get married in one. But sometimes you have to be creative.

10

Weddings suck. The only that is good about them is that it’s a giant party of which the down side is your family is there.

How I survived was I made it clear to my wife that I hated weddings and I would not take ours seriously in any way except as a way to get drunk with my friends. It was a blast and by far the largest party I’ve ever thrown. I don’t believe I talked with any of my wife’s extend family who all left once the ceremony ended and we started doing shots. I did get in trouble during the photo shoot when I had to look surprised and stunned by seeing her for the first time in her wedding dress and instead I stuck my tongue out at her.

Remember its not just the bride’s day its yours too and you should have a voice in how it goes just like your wife does. Find something you do like and do that. Maybe its a small beech wedding and you send everyone photos later.

11

This is definitely a conversation to be had with the fiance. Not in terms of “I don’t want one” but in terms of “it fills me with dread, I’m committed to go through with it because I love you, please be kind to me.”

You could run into trouble if she is hot and heavy into weddings, that ramps up the stress and desire for perfection that can make the process miserable. Good to get that out in the open now, rather than be surprised when she’s pressing you to commit to a purple vs. violet theme.

12

Thanks **Dung Beetle **for the advice.

To reply to the others suggesting alcohol: Unfortunately, I can’t have alcohol (I think I lack the enzyme for metabolizing it and therefore it always makes me sick/bad headache) so I will have to resort to other means of nerve-calming.

I am secretly hoping this coronavirus pandemic will provide the perfect excuse to get married at City Hall with no wedding ever, :smiley:
but I think social-distancing and all that will already be gone by the time this all happens.

13

Try concentrating on your fiancee and ignoring everyone else. Not being rude - just make her your focus and try to forget the rest. Deep cleansing breaths. And please don’t smoosh the cake in her face. Ugh.

Then when it’s all over, tell her she owes you! :smiley:

14

We will certainly not have this, I have no idea why people do this inane cake-smash thing at weddings.

15

I was in the same situation… 33 1/3 yers ago. A couple days after I proposed, we had The Talk. The fiancée had already seen what lengths I’d go to to avoid weddings… conveniently having a commitment that meant I’d get there for the last ten minutes of the ceremony (so no one would say I’d skipped it) and the reception (I’m fine with receptions… free snacks, free drinks, free cake…and so many little things with bacon wrapped around them! (Oh, and people…sure, yeah, the people, too…).

Well The Talk was really short: “Hey, you know I don’t care about weddings. Well, this one is no exception. So the deal I’d like to make is… you plan it, I’ll show up for it.”

Huh, she didn’t look upset… “So, flowers, dresses, bridesmaids, colors, venue… you really don’t care?” “Nope-o.” She seemed… happy: “So I get my way on all of it?” “Sure!” “Ceremony, music, reception… oh, what about the cake?” “I trust you on everything. But if there’s cake testing to do, I think you’ll want my finely-honed sweet tooth along… but the final call is yours.”

Now, on a number of things she did ask my opinion (and I pretended to have one), though I really didn’t do much.

But here’s the best news of all: The day was PAINLESS! It rushed by as a blur of faces and music and food and before I knew it we were off on a nice, quiet honeymoon.

And to this day, neither of us remember much about that day. If we happen to look at the candids that a friend took, we always say “Ohh, Uncle August was there. I didn’t know that!” “And who’s next to him?” “Did you know one of your college roommates showed up?”

16

When she (and her mom) showed me two options for invitations and I picked one of them, she said ‘oh, that’s the expensive one’. The next thing I said, which was meant to be totally sarcastic but I don’t think it came out that way was "You’ve asked me for input on literally one thing during all this planning, and you didn’t like my answer, why’d you even ask?’
They ended up using them. And, while I honestly didn’t care which one they picked, I did like the one I chose because it was vaguely reminiscent of Beetlejuice, and one or two people mentioned it to me.

17

I have no advice to give, only camaraderie of a grim sort. I’ve been engaged once, and in a position to possibly be so a couple of other times. In none of those cases was the prospect of the actual wedding a deciding factor, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a big part of it for me.

No desire to be part of the wedding industrial complex. It’s all nonsense - the ceremony, the cookie-cutter nature of most receptions. And I’ve been to a lot of weddings that were well planned and lavish, but the the actual marriage sucked. I’m not opposed to being married, or even having some kind of a party for it. But I want no part of getting married in the traditional way. That was disappointing to at least one of my partners, but I felt there was no way I could fake my way through it.

18

Now is the time to express your wishes. Make clear that she can plan most aspects, but there are certain things you prefer. I got married almost a year ago, and we skipped all the country club dancing shit. It was outdoors in the middle of nowhere, very DIY, and it was a long weekend instead of one evening. Maybe not for everyone but we enjoyed it. Weddings don’t have to suck. However, it won’t be completely your day or her day, and that’s okay. It’s not the most important day of your life, just the start of something nice.

19

Serious question, not smart: Is marijuana legal, or at least medicinal, where you are? If so, do you partake? If you do, do you get mellow rather than paranoid? If so, there’s your answer, fishbulb. (Simpsons reference.)

(I would have loved to have been high at my wedding, but it wasn’t even medicinal in CA then.)

20

I haaaate big social occasions. They make my head scream. However, there’s a few Family Obligations and Work Obligations that must be met.

When I feel the tension rising, or knowing its going to happen, I, basically, start to mentally check out.

I pretend the whole thing is an Anthropological expedition, and I need to record observations for historical purposes. I, definitely, narrate it in David Attenborough’s (or Mike Rowe’s) voice, like its on National Geographic.

For example "Here we see the Vice President of Finance in the wild. Please note the understated elegance of his suit, so the other males instantly know he’s of a higher financial status, but does not want to flaunt it. " “If you look carefully, you can see the interns huddled in the corner, trying to navigate the unspoken rules of The Office Yearly Report social event. See how they silently watch their coworkers, looking for signs they may join…”.

It helps.