I’m getting married in two weeks, if I can survive the mayhem! It seems like my fiancee and I are fighting every day about wedding planning, timing, money, family, the arrangement of constellations, the situation in North Korea, you name it! We didn’t always fight like this, so I must attribute this to pre-wedding stress.
So, married Dopers: how did you make it through this trying pre-wedding period without killing anyone?
Akash
Looking forward to Marriage, but not the WEDDING
We eloped - 4 weeks after our first date. Our 17th anniversary is Dec 9. Personally, I didn’t miss the wedding with its associated stresses.
Sorry, I know that doesn’t help you. But I do think you’re right - it’s stress and nerves and all that coming at once. Try to keep a sense of humor and perspective.
Here’s wishing you a wonderful future! 
Oh dear! I am so sorry you are having trouble with your wedding causing you stress. It often does and it is not worth it. I was a wedding photographer for many years. I can see the stress that some people go through. I have seen brides and grooms have very unhappy weddings because of this. You may be able to get some relief by letting your bride/groom win all the fights. Just let go and let him/her do what they want. It is no big deal. Or is it? You can take this fighting as a sign of things to come. If you can’t get along when you disagree on planning the “happiest day of your life” what will happen when something really important goes wrong? Ask yourself if you feel good about going through with the wedding. If not don’t do it! Cancel and run screaming from the building!
My husband and I threw our own wedding. It was small (60 people) and informal and quite a bit of fun. My brother-in-law and his wife, though, did the whole traditional wedding thing and really went through hell before it was finally over.
You need to remember that most of the fighting you are doing is an expression of the stress and tension you are both under right now. Planning a wedding is so difficult because you are trying to fulfill so many other people’s expectations and wishes, many of which are mutually exclusive. Try to remind yourself that you are never going to be able to please everyone. Compromises are going to have to be made.
Read what I hope will be the many resposes to follow from dopers who have lived through it. Try to step back, not take it all so seriously, and find the humor where you can. You can think of it as a test. If you can get through this, you can get through anything!
I drank scotch before my wedding. Seemed to help.
I agree with robinh, it is a test of your life survival skills.
My mom is a minister (retired) - she helped me keep it in perspective:
All you need to get married is 1) the license, 2) the couple, and 3) a witness (or two). Everything else - and I mean EVERYTHING, is gravy. You don’t need rings, you don’t need family, you don’t need flowers, you don’t need pretty invitations, you don’t need flower-girls, or attendants, or ring bearers, or friends, or fancy clothes, or anything else at all. All that is just fluff to make pretty pictures. Nice, in many cases, but not at all required. What is important is the symbol, not the object. I keep breaking my wedding band (I’m rough on rings) but the band itself is immaterial - what matters is that I’m married to a great guy who is my best friend. It could be a cigar band, and that would be fine - it is the symbol that counts.
So, why are you fighting about inconsequential stuff? If you are fighting about whether or not TO get married, stop, and don’t do it. If you are fighting about who to invite, how many to invite, what color the flowers should be, what kind of china to put on the registry… those are little stuff.
OR, are you fighting about big stuff disguised as little stuff… the same fights you’ll keep having (in disguise) for years until you work them out. Is my family more important than your family? Whose emotions take precedence in an emotional situation? Who gets to make the final call on financial decisions? Is your mother more important than your future wife? Is her mother more important than you? How will we entertain, decorate our home, celebrate our most important events? Whose idea of ‘party’ is more fun (and/or whose idea of party ‘wins’)?
You are working out the very beginning of who you will become as a FAMILY, later (even if you never have kids). This is the first layer. Pay attention to how you fight (do you get mean, does she get weepy?), and how you resolve things (do you give in, and why, and under what circumstances?). Stepping back and looking at myself was one of the best things I did when I would get upset about wedding stuff. I learned a lot about myself that way.
Learn how to manage the fighting NOW. Look at the big picture, don’t let yourselves get caught in the details.
epeepunk and I did our ‘own’ wedding for the most part - down to the invitations (I lettered them), the wedding dress (his great-aunt made it), his kilt and doublet (I made those), the wedding certificate (Quaker, we both did that)… we planned it to be a party, one where our friends and family could have a good time. LOTS of planning, to make things go smoothly. (Hot tip - make sure that there is someone who can handle all the details ON the day… you don’t need to be handling problems with the caterer while you are trying to enjoy your own wedding!) We learned a lot of negotiation skills - I gave in on some stuff, he gave in on others, I picked out three options I could live with and he selected his favorite of those, etc.
In addition to having the advantage of a minister-mom to offer perspective, we were fortunate that I did NOT have an ideal wedding in mind. I didn’t have a fantasy from childhood that needed to be fulfilled. Makes it a lot easier. If you have dreams, and your future spouse has dreams, you have to learn how to treat the dream gently, even if you MUST change it (say, you can’t afford the carriage with six white horses). Sometimes it isn’t the grown woman’s heart that breaks because she can’t have twelve flower-girls, it is the 7-year old girl inside who throws the tantrum because her dream broke and nobody can fix it.
Good luck! Our wedding was a huge blast, loads of fun, and exhausting. You don’t get to see everyone, except in passing, and you probably won’t have much to show from it except the pictures, and the memories. Even the stuff that goes wrong makes good memories, if you keep your perspective. And don’t lose the license!
Yup. Elope. (Hey, it worked for me) ::shrugs::
I was at a wedding recently. From the weddings that I’ve been to I’ve drawn this conclusion, there is one hell of a lot of politicking going on. Ferinstance at this last wedding I was at the brother of the bride had his in-laws there. I know for a fact that the bride is not particularly close to her brother’s in-laws and it just seemed kind of silly for them to be there.
There always seems to be arguments over what to get, where to get it from, etc. Someone is usually complaining about the bride’s maid dresses or something else like that.
I think the problems occur when outside parties (people other than the bride and the groom) get involved. The bride and groom are the ones getting married, the wedding should be for them, you can’t please everyone.
Oh sure Nen. Go ahead and lead me on and try to get me to join your harem, THEN announce you’re married.
As for the OP, yeah, elope.
Please don’t forget the 80% rule. No matter how much planning and how whip-cracking tight your planner is you are lucky if it goes 80% as planned. If you plan your own (most do) try 75%. Someone’s sibling gets too drunk too fast. Photo op is 5 minutes delayed and the heat of the lights causes the cake to lean. A child cries–the oafish friend takes flash pictures in the sanctuary causing the minister to hiccup: you fart. Big deal. With proper planning (way in advance)and good support you are on auto-pilot anyway, and the ceremony is always interpreted as going great. There is a lot to be said for the amount of love in the room smoothing any rough edges. At two weeks out maybe you should spend some time apart: ain’t much more planning to do. Don’t get defensive. Give your partner what they think they want. Nothing at this point is worth fighting over. Blue not red centerpieces? Fine. Rescind invitation to old girlfriend? Too late. Tuxedo rental company lost your records and now you must dress your groomsmen in taffeta? Great, fine, whatever. “Fix it in post”. Yes you care, no you can’t add more hours to the day and you must save your vacation time for your honeymoon. It will be fine. You’ll see. Don’t forget to breathe. And get extra sleep NOW.
Well,
During my wedding there was a ton of stress. I still don’t speak to one of my brothers for his behavior and I don’t think I ever will. (3 and half years so far)
As a groom one thing that caused me stress is that weddings are very bride orientated. For instance my wife decided that we would have three attendants and then added another. This caused me stress because I first cut a very close friend from my list then later added him.
Another thing is my wife went to a studio a few days befor for a formal sitting. So the wedding photo book starts off with about 25 pictures of her. As for me, well ten minutes before the start of the ceremony the photographer showed (after shooting more of my bride in her house) and asked me what photos I wanted taken. I stared dumbly at her and made some sort of sound. I had no idea this was going to take place. I actually don’t have a picture of me and all my groomsmen together because I was unprepared in this area.
One thing I did that (well almost) made things better is that I skipped the traditional rehersal dinner. You see I don’t live near my family and they all made a trip up to my wifes hometown for the event. I just couldn’t justify telling them ‘well now all the people directly involved in the ceremony will go have a nice diner on me’ so I invited all my imediat family and all my wifes to a cookout. Burgers, hotdogs, volleyball, huge fight with brother about why his 3 year old daughter was not the flower girl, you know all the usual stuff.
So what you should do is this.
Identify all the stress points.
Sort them into types.
Differences with your spouse
Differences with family
Monetary
time crunch
Resolve the differneces with your spouse. If you want blue table clothes and your spouse wants green work it out. Give some and take some.
If you are getting pressure from family over things tell them to go F*#K themselves. Even if it’s your mom. If necessary move to another state after the ceremony.
Well maybe not.
If you can’t afford it don’t worry it.
If you cant’ get it done then delegate it to a bridesmaid or groomsman.
and always remember this prayer
Lord grant me the courage to change the things I can,
the patience to accept the things I can’t change,
and the wisdom to know the difference
Congratualtions and best of luck.
My advice is remember that none of this is really important. Hedra’s point is great. In addition, all you need for a great party is 1.) a hall - doesn’t matter if or how it’s decorated; 2.) music - anything from a live band to a boom box will suffice; 3.) food; 4.) alcohol. All the other stupid decisions about clothing, the wording of the toasts, the order of the dances, the seating of the guests, etc. is superfluous.
I let my mother do most of the planning, and it was beautiful. I literally arrived the day of the wedding and saw the flowers and decorations for the first time, including my bouquet. It was great. My bridesmaids ordered their dresses individually from the JC Penney catalogue. When JC Penney warned me that the dresses would be from different lots and might not be exactly the same color, I said, “So what?”
The most destructive thing you can do now is whip yourselves into a frenzy over silly details. Everyone I know has a couple framed photos from their wedding, and they never look at their albums or videos. So relax if everything isn’t “perfect.” It never can be, and you’ll just suck all the enjoyment out of it if you raise your expectations so high.
Best wishes!
actually, you can skip the alcohol, and still have a good time, too (ours was dry - too many AA folks on my side, too many non-drinking Quakers on his… plus, saves a bundle on cash, and even the usual drinkers said they hadn’t been to a better party!)
Zebra, great (structured) tips!
Married men need harems too.
Wow–thanks for all the replies everyone! I always take comfort in finding that other people get stressed over the things I get stressed about…makes me feel like less of a freak.
A note to those concerned about me fighting with my fiancee: they’re very petty, silly fights, and after about 5 minutes of shouting and “I can’t believe I have to deal with this!” and “You blame everything on me!” we apologize and laugh about the situation. It’s just annoying because we do this about 4 times a week. We most certainly do want to get married, it’s just that we wanted a very small ceremony/party, bride’s mom wanted a BIG thing but doesn’t want to plan or execute it, and we now have to do that in addition to law school exams (me) and graduating college (fiancee). So I don’t think this fighting is the type to be worried about, it’s just wearying is all. Thanks for the conern, though!
Egad–Scotch sounds lovely but I don’t drink. Maybe that’s adding to the stress. [sigh]
Akash
P.S. More fun: the minister we had set up to conduct the ceremony bowed out when he discoverd that I’m Mormon. What a great guy! 
I don’t know you, but as an amateur event planner (I do 100 person dinners for a local non-profit group every year and I’ve organized two weddings for friends), I feel compelled to put in my two cents worth.
Several people have told you that everything other than you, your groom, the license, the celebrant and two witnesses is irrelevant. This is not quite true. What you need to do is figure out which of those “extraneous” elements really mean anything to you (which aspects of the party would be meaningful for you even if you were not getting married that same day?). Concentrate on those things and let others deal with the stuff you don’t care about. If, under normal circumstances, you would never care whether your friends had matching shoes, force yourself not to care about it now. For example, I love food. Menu planning, cake selection, cooking…that’s all fun for me. Flowers and invitations, however, I don’t give a whit about. Delegate, delegate, delegate…assign your friends/sisters/whomever who are not in the bridal party as liaisons for the florists, the caterers, the cleaning people and Make Sure every friend knows what you expect, and can answer basic “where do we put this” questions.
If you are fighting with your finacee more than you are comfortable with, and you must be or you would not have posted about it, talk to your celebrant or get another counselor. I know you don’t have much free time right now, but it will be worth it in the long run. It’s not uncommon for people to get wrapped up in the planning and not realize that if it wasn’t for the plans, they would have broken up. If all else fails, write your own vows, even if you do not use them. Realizing what you do and do not want to promise this person can be a real eye-opener.
Oh, and write everything you want to happen down into lists. You will have no brain on the day, and you will need those lists to be in hands of someone you trust to make sure everything happens. The last wedding I helped with the bride wasn’t a delegator, so we were playing catch-up with her plans. Draw a map of the reception room and make many copies so everyone knows where the cake will go.
IS that what we’re doing now?
Sure. Just remember, diamonds are evil, and so is gold.
…and my point was SO important, I meant to fuck up the VB code like that.
If you want to know what not to do for a wedding, try this site. It’s http://www.etiquettehell.com I stumbled across it looking for something else and after reading some of the stories I have seldom laughed so hard. or been so amazed at how easily people make idiots of themselves. Two women who run a wedding advice column maintain it.