Years ago, in my last year of high school, in a new, for me, school, I was befriended by a guy who sat next to me in home room. It was literally in the first five minutes of my first day, when he turned around and introduced himself to some new guy, and asked if he wanted to go to an upcoming party.
We became great friends for the next couple of years, until I ghosted him for whatever BS, autism-inspired reason (though I was not diagnosed until 50 years later).
I’ve spent the last several years, on and off, trying to find the guy to reach out to him. For soon to be obvious reasons, I simply couldn’t find him anywhere online.
A week or so ago I found his possible brother on LinkedIn and asked him if he was the brother. As it turns out, he is, and he remembers me and said that his brother (let’s say Jim) is now a she and goes by Jaimie.
I want to reach out, as originally intended, but there are some obvious factors that I would like to be sensitive to.
Recognizing that everyone is different, from those who are either trans or friends of them, do you have any advice on things I should or shouldn’t say and ask?
If you are finally able to contact Jamie I would not bring up that she had transitioned unless she mentions it first, in which case be as supportive as possible. Tell her whatever you want to tell her and see if she is interested in restarting a long lost friendship, assuming you are..
Thanks so far. Regarding deadnaming her, fortunately the feminized name is pronounced exactly the same way, so I won’t be able to fuck that part up.
My plan is to just assume that everything “now” is “normal” (that sounds terrible and I apologize for that, but it just seems to be the easiest way to express it here, at the moment).
A friend’s wife posted a status I read and re read but could not understand. Finally, I posted a comment saying “As your friend, I am proud to say that I have no idea what you are talking about.”
She clarified that she was a trans woman and was posting about it now because some other “friend” had found out and gotten very angry. They were calling her a liar and a terrible human being and outing to her everybody they could. I made another comment-
“I don’t see why this will or should change anything between us. The only people who need to know are your husband (I gather he already knows.), and your doctor.”
I haven’t brought it up since then.
Remember- If you are a medical professional treating this person, you need to know various things. If you are in a romantic/sexual relationship with a person, at some point (when is a whole other debate) you need to know certain things. If this person is just a friend, you only need to know their preferred name and pronouns. Treat it like any other friendship.
Should the relationship develop into something more than friendship, just remember- She is a human being not a fetish. She is a human being not a lab specimen or Wikipedia article. Finally, no-those jeans do not make her look fat.
I hope this helps.
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That sounds great. Treat her as you would any other female friend.
If you have Netlfix check out Will & Harper. Will is Will Farrell and Harper is his friend who transitioned. You can see how Will dealt with it, things that Harper deals with in her life and how to be a friend in that situation.
I have a friend from high school that was part of a group of friends. They got “lost” for a bit sometime during our college years until our post-college years. When we were able to find them again, they had transitioned (MtF). After the group got over our initial shock (hey, it was only 2005!) everyone was cool with it, I reached out to them, and basically said “Hi how are you? What’s new in your life? I hope you are doing well.”
We didn’t become anywhere near as close as we were as kids but I don’t expect that from her. She’s been through a lot. I’ve been able to show that I support her and still love her and that’s about all we’ve had to do for each other.
It’s actually kind of fun following along (thankfully we’ve both always been on Facebook) because in school she was obsessed with music. Then she was obsessed with her career. Then she became obsessed with a sport. And then a different sport. Now she’s left her career for a new sport. She’s a very interesting person and I’m always happy to cheer her on!
Anyway just approach her as you would any other friend that you haven’t spoken to in many years. Ask what’s up. See how they’re doing. And don’t have any expectations from them, because they don’t owe you anything. Sometimes part of transitioning is to get rid of the whole past, people and all. But if they’re willing to rekindle your friendship, make sure you are a friend.
One of my closer board game friends is transitioning. They (I asked about pronoun) told some of us in a smaller game event. A few other people in the group knew. After our weekly game night (and monthly game day) I compile what games were played and scores and post them on boardgamegeek*. After our next event I did ask about which name to use as I did not want to out them to the whole group before they were ready. (they wanted me to use their new name) and I asked them in person after the next event (because some of the score sheets had their previous name) and they said from now on use the new name. They were not upset about the score sheets because 1) not sure they were explicit with everyone they played with and 2) They are awful with names.
The score sheet situation has improved so I think the group knows what name to write down, but the situation is still new so I expect some (hopefully innocent) mistakes. I just use the preferred name when transcribing the list.
Brian
* I don’t record these smaller game events, just the group’s official game nights and days.
You’re tracking down someone that you were friends with for a year for so in high school, that you ghosted and haven’t spoken with in several decades? Is this something that people do? Frankly, if someone reached out to me in those circumstances out of the blue, after 20+ years, I wouldn’t be terribly interested.
@mjmartin, fair enough and it’s a valid point; she may not be interested. However, her brother remembers me so I am going to assume that she does. If, however, she either remembers me and wants nothing further to do with me, or if she doesn’t remember me at all, then so be it. I’ll certainly respect her decision.
I’ve been pleased to hear from old high school pals I only hung out with for a year or two. We ended up having nothing much to talk about anymore, but I didn’t think anything was weird about it.
Not a situation I’ve ever been in, but here’s my take:
“Hi, I remember how kind you were when I was new in school. I’d love to get together some evening to catch up. Are you free this Friday?”
Call them by their current name and pronouns. Reminisce about high school. share what you are up to. Ask what she is up to. If she just talks about her current job, accept that. If she wants to talk about transitioning, or about how she felt about gender in high school, be supportive, as you would if an acquaintance shared about fighting cancer or getting divorced or any other personal matter.
Star Trek groups and memes pop up quite often in my Facebook feed. One scene was posted on an official Trek group. It was shared by several groups for LGBTQ+ Trek fans.
Jadzia, host of the Dax symbiote, learns three Klingons the previous host was very close with are on the station. She rushes to see them. One of them sees her, gives her a big bear hug and shouts “Kirzon, my old friend!”
She says “Actually, it’s Jadzia now.”
The Klingon immediately gives her another big bear hug and shouts “Jadzia, my old friend!”
So, not only is what you said nothing to apologize for, it is commendable.
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Rachel Pollack was a writer of science fiction stories and comic books. She was a trans lesbian. When she took over writing The Doom Patrol, she added a character obviously based on herself. Normally, this would be annoying and objectionable. But, Pollack really could write and it made sense for the existing characters and story. Eventually, it becomes clear that while most of the team is aware that Kate is a trans woman and just doesn’t care, Cliff has been thinking she is a cis woman and has developed romantic feelings for her. When Cliff finds out that Kate is a trans woman, he feels deceived and angry. They have a long talk. The talk involves Kate- a trans lesbian, Cliff-a human brain in a robot body, and the Chief-a self-sustaining severed head who is intoxicated by chocolate milkshakes.
Rather than being goofy, it is one of the best discussions on the issue I have ever read. At one point, Cliff says “But you used to be a man, right?”
Kate answers “No, Cliff. I was never a man.”
