Hoping some of our more enlightened members can help me out on this.
I go to this Halloween party every year at my friend’s house, and one of the people I’d see there was a person named Mike. I think last year Mike was beginning to transition, they were dressed kind of androgynous, as far as I know they still went by “Mike”.
This year they show up and it’s pretty clear this person is fully transitioned. It’s a very friendly liberal party, and half of the attendees are her co-workers, who have seen them every day since last Halloween, so no one was shocked by her and it was all cool. I personally had not seen her since last year but I wasn’t shocked…she looked great and happy, and both her and her date had great costumes. We talked a bit about random stuff before moving on to other people.
When this person had come in, the host had said hello and welcomed her. She introduced her date. Everyone else knows her, as do I, so there was no need for introductions. BUT! I didn’t know her current name!
I was going to take the host aside and ask but didn’t get a chance. A couple hours into the party while we were playing a game, the host called her Michelle, and I heard it, so mystery solved.
So here’s my question - other than asking someone else, or happening to overhear it, is there a dignified or classy way of asking a person that you already know what their name is? How do trans people prefer to deal with it?
“I’m sorry, I can’t remember your name!” would be my go-to formula. Exactly the same one I use quite often with people I’ve only ever known by one name. Between joining different projects all the time (that is, meeting bundles of people who may have to learn six names while we’re expected to learn sixty), my mother’s friends, running into someone I haven’t seen in decades… I’ve never encountered one whose response to that formula was negative.
I’d say something like, “I’m guessing you don’t go by your pre-transition name anymore, but it’s the only name I’ve ever known you by. What name do you go by now?”
Yikes, that’s way to loaded with baggage. It may be fine with the person but you won’t know until after they respond. There’s no need to mention the transition.
“I’m sorry, I forgot your name.” Really, it’s a thing you could say to any person you saw only once a year, whose name you’d either forgotten or didn’t get.
But I’m not enlightened, so there may be a better answer.
Perhaps we should assemble a handbook to cover all such situations.
“Since we last met, I hear you got divorced because you walked in on your naked husband handcuffed to the bed and straddled by your sister in a black-leather dominatrix outfit. Did you revert to your maiden name after that? I’m just trying to be sensitive so that I don’t call you by a name that you might find awkward.”
I’d just go with “By the way, I don’t think I ever heard if you changed your name! Are you going by something else now?”
It’s not that there’s a zero chance of this backfiring, maybe they didn’t change their name for personal reasons and are miffed at people asking. Maybe they don’t want it pointed out. But like… look, you know each other. They know you know they transitioned. You know you know they transitioned. They probably know you damn well knew their old name. There’s no point trying to mine for information and feign ignorance of the situation.
I feel like talking around it is just acting like being trans is something to be ashamed of. While people hide being trans for various reasons (safety being key among them), and don’t like being directly confronted with things from their past like stories that heavily rely on their previous gender, old photos, and their old name, it’s not like it’s not a thing. Bringing up they’re trans all the time is annoying too, but there’s a balance between acknowledging the fact they’re trans when it matters and all that. It’s like dancing around the fact that your friend who exclusively date the opposite sex now has a same sex partner. We all know they’re gay, bi, or pan or whatever. Just name it what it is.
I caution that I wouldn’t do this in a group conversation with a bunch of people (especially strangers who you know might not know their trans status), but one on one I think it’s the best way to go about this.
To be clear, if you clock someone you don’t know as trans it’s best to politely treat them as if they’re cis in their presented gender. Asking if someone is trans is like asking if they’re pregnant. It’s a minefield and rude (I’ve absolutely “clocked” cis people as trans, I never said it outloud but I have, “transdar” isn’t infallible). But if you knew them pretransition, or they’ve volunteered the information, it’s kind of fair game at that point provided you follow the safety and etiquette guidelines I put in the last post, or they’ve explicitly waived them for you. Or I guess they’re one of the people that outright just have the trans symbol tattooed on their arm and are wearing a shirt that says “Yeah, I’m trans, so what?” on it (yes this is a real thing not a joke).
Even if you do go up to her and say “Hello, Mike” the response would probably be along the lines of “Well, it’s Michelle now.” You say “Oh, I’m so sorry” and use the preferred term from then on.
I don’t see why you couldn’t just use “Hi, I’m Zipper JJ, I think we’ve met but I’m not sure/don’t remember what you’re name is.” It sidesteps any issue of calling the person out or treating them differently and puts the blame for any confusion on you so they don’t have to feel put out. Really simple and easy.
I really think some people seem to be overthinking this, I think it’s almost a nonexistent problem. I already forget the name of half the people I meet. Generally we don’t use someone’s name when talking directly to them. It only becomes awkward if you have to introduce someone to a third party, at which point surely any newly transitioned person is going to speak up with “Hi, I’m Michelle” to avoid awkwardness, just as people do when it becomes obvious you’ve forgotten their name. In the meantime, circumlocute, or just ask privately and directly if you must, but there’s certainly no need to load your question with a bunch of TMI awkward assumptions to signal your wokeness.
I guess it’s sort of nonexistent. I definitely could have asked the host or overheard it (which is what happened anyway). But i don’t think it’s bad to learn how people who might face this every day (trans people themselves) would want it to play out.
Really, I’m guessing she was hoping we wouldn’t have to do an awkward exchange and I would figure it out. That’s how it worked anyway.
And in this circumstance, it really would have been awkward and rude for me to feign not knowing her. We know we know each other.
Well, my son can’t speak for all trans people, but if people have to ask, he prefers short and sweet. No self-deprecating remarks or pretending not to remember him, no overly-long preamble like “oh, jeez, I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to call attention to the fact that you’ve transitioned, but I don’t know what you want to be called blah blah…” Just, “what should I call you?” or " what name do you go by? "
It won’t feel elegant to the speaker, but to my son, it feels the most respectful.
