Okay, I feel really strange for even asking this question, but I’m interested in any advice you may have to offer. I have not experienced this before.
I have been a middle school band director in this small town for fifteen years. Since I have been here so long, I know the community well. I have students and former students scattered across town. I know lots of people and they know me.
Recently, the father of a former student died. He has had cancer for more than twenty years and he finally succumbed to the disease. The funeral is tomorrow. The deceased’s wife was the president of our band booster club. They had one daughter, Sally, in our band. I knew Sally from when she was in fifth grade all the way through to her graduation from high school. I saw her off to a local enormous state university to study music. Unfortunately, her studies did not go well and she returned to our little town.
Attending funerals of members of our band family is not an unusual thing. Fortunately, only once has it been an actual band student. Usually, as it is this time, it’s the passing of a parent.
Now, here’s the weird part. Their daughter, Sally, was my student several years ago. Today, however, Sally is now Sam. I found Sam’s picture on Facebook and he looks quite a bit like Chazz Bono. I always knew that Sally was gay. It wasn’t that she was “out”, it just was known by anyone who really knew her well. The thing that gets me is the transgendered part.
I know Sally. I’ve never met Sam. When I see Sam at the funeral, how should I greet him? I feel stupid for asking this, but I’m honestly a bit stressed about this. I will express my condolences, like I always would. I just don’t feel like I know this Sam person. I certainly feel like the problem is mine, not Sam’s, and I don’t expect Sam to do anything to make me comfortable. He has to live his life. I’m not even opposed to people having a transgender procedure if that is the right thing for them. I’ve just never known one (that I am aware of). What do I say?
Thirded. Pretend that it’s still Sally that you’re talking to, only address him as “Sam.” You don’t even have to pretend, because it is still Sally, just in a different guise.
Fourthed (or fifthed or whatever, depending on how many posts get in ahead of mine).
First names work the same as last names in the etiquette of using whichever official version you know the addressee prefers. If you had previously known Sally more formally as “Miss Smith” and you know that she has since gotten married and uses the married name “Mrs. Jones”, you would call her “Mrs. Jones” right off the bat, rather than sticking to “Miss Smith” because you never knew her as “Mrs. Jones”.
Same deal here. The person you knew as Sally now goes by the name Sam. Since you’re aware of that, the correct thing to do is to call him Sam.
The first time, smile and say "Hi Sally/Sam! How are you? He/She knows you and knows you don’t know him since the change, and if he has any class, (Which I’m sure he does) He’ll smile back and say "It’s Sam now!
I think you’re overthinking it, and losing the proper focus of your future interaction with Sam. You’re going to be offering your condolences on his loss, not talk about his gender change. Don’t worry about how to address him, and don’t make what he takes away from the conversation the awkwardness of addressing or dancing around the fact he’s now Sam. As previously said, “Good to see you again, and I’m sorry for your loss,” will do just fine.
Interesting question. I know of a former coworker who has made a M2F transition. He was one of the few people I have worked with where we did things outside of work. Though she seems to be moving in different circles, I will probably run into her one of these days. I have known several transgender people of various flavors, but never one I knew well pre-transition. I assume it will be fine, but I still think I’ll still have issues thinking of them as one person. Knowing this person I just met used to be a different gender is one thing. Seeing a person I knew well as one gender, now a different gender, is going to be different.
If you WERE opposed, then I’d understand your uneasiness and your question. But if you’re NOT opposed, then I really don’t know what you’re asking. Either use “Sam” as several suggested, or no name at all, as Geek Mecha suggested.
“Hello. … It’s Sam now I believe, correct? … Please accept my deepest sympathies.”
I think that etiquette requires some acknowledgement of calling him by a different name than you have previously called him by and your wish to respect whatever he thinks would be appropriate for you to use.
It’s not dramatically different than if Sally wanted to be called Gwen from now on, or if Bill wanted to change his name to Jim. If Sally wants to be called Sam and further wants to be adressed in the masculine, the polite thing to do is to do so.
It is so easy to avoid calling people by their first names when you greet them that I really don’t think you need to worry. Just don’t use a name. At least you have the advantage of knowing about the change in advance and seeing a picture. There will probably be more people at the funeral will will have no idea what has transpired and not recognize Sam as Sally at all. It that case, he will probably be introducing himself to people all night as “Hi, I’m Dave’s son Sam, you probably remember me as Sally” and you won’t have to be all awkward.
No it doesn’t. Etiquette is about easing social interactions and pointing out that Sam used to be Sally does nothing of the sort.
The poor man just lost his father AND he’s dealing with the prospect of facing all these people after a gender change and you want him to jump through conversational hoops? Sheesh.
I obviously agree with the others. Say the usual “good to see you, sorry it’s under these circumstances, blah blah.”
Oh, and you might want to throw in a “you look wonderful” or something like that. I’ll bet he’d appreciate it.
Addressing someone by their name is considered polite; avoiding using a name could come off as rude, as in “Hi … you.” If the plan is to not address him by name then be sure not to address any others of the mourning party by name. “George, I’m so sorry.” “Mrs. Franklin, please accept my condolences.” [To Sam] “So sorry for your loss.” Not good.
To me a clear acknowledgement of a desire to address him in the manner that is most comfortable for him does that. Pretending that there is no significant change in status seems more awkward and placing the change to be that which is shameful and must not be acknowledged. Not easing the interaction. IMHO.
“Sam, I’m so sorry about the loss of your dad. Come by to the band office if you need to talk or just need a shoulder to cry on.” (You can polish brass)