So, here’s the deal. I’ve been a school band director in my town for a long time. A former student, let’s call him Steve, has died. His mom was the president of the band booster club. Steve’s dad died a few years ago and I attended that funeral as well. I have known this family for a long time and think very highly of them. I have seen Steve (and his mom) occasionally over the past few years, but our contact never extended beyond the ordinary conversations one has in the aisle at the supermarket. Steve was in his mid-twenties at the time of his passing.
The time that I knew Steve best was when he was a kid in middle school and high school. However, at that time, Steve was very obviously female and knows as Eve (not really). Eve was a great kid and a wonderful student in my class. She was a nearly perfect band kid and a delight to have in class. I have many funny and/or poignant stories about her.
Naturally, at the funeral, there will be lots of reminiscing about what a great guy Steve was. I never really knew Steve; I knew Eve. How does one reminisce about a transgendered individual when the reminiscences are about when he was a she? I don’t want to appear insensitive to Steve’s family nor hostile to Steve’s wishes. I am okay with the transgendered thing even if I don’t fully understand it. How does one refer to a transgendered person in the past when he presented as a she?
What kind of wakes do you go to? The kind I go to, you go pay respects to the deceased, go over the the family say “Sorry for your loss” and then stand around for a few minutes for appearances sake then leave. You are not close family or friend. You are an acquaintance. There is really no need to go into details about anything. If someone asks how you know the family a simple “I knew his parents a long time and taught him in middle school” will suffice. I’m not sure you would want to do more for someone you didn’t know well.
If Drum God is waiting in line & starts making small talk with the person in front. Is it inappropriate to say she was the best {percussionist} we had in the Class of {2000} since Steve was a she back then?
Does the gender pronoun switch when they switch, or does it go back to their birth?
Simply refer to Steve as Steve, in the present and in the past. It seems quite unlikely that gender is relevant to any of the memories you might want to share.
“Steve was a great trombone player” is a truth about Steve, regardless of what he was called at the time.
One story I have is when Eve danced around the Band Hall singing a silly song. For me, the image is of a cute, blonde little girl dancing around the room. Steve, however, was a dark haired, big guy. So, gender is not specifically important to the story, but I think it changes the picture I would be creating.
I have another story where Eve did something that was very compassionate for another band student. Not many would know this story (and it does not take anything away from the other kid or embarrass him at all). Saying Steve did it changes nothing about the story.
ETA: If it matters, Steve was a really fine saxophonist. He got accepted to a major university’s music program, but had to leave due to health issues.
Again, unless you’re doing the eulogy, it’s “Sorry for your loss”, handshake or hug as appropriate, sign the book, and out the door. People will probably think it was really cool for the high school teacher to show up, but nobody cares what you say. Get in, get out, and on your way.
I think the OP was quite clear that this is a funeral, not a wake, in which case there very well may be a point where the officiant says “Does anyone want to say a few words about Steve?”
I would not take that opportunity, considering the acquaintance-level relationship you had. It might be nice to write in the guest book, if it’s one of those that you can share a few words, or on an online obituary page (usually funeral homes set that up). And if you choose to do that, take all the pronouns out and refer to him by name.
That disconnect is going to exist regardless of any changes in gender, though. When I was in middle school, I was a cute, little blonde boy. Now I’m a large, dark haired man. Still the same gender, but someone telling a story about me in the fifth grade is still going to be creating a very different picture from what I look like now.
Anyway, I’m guessing that most of the people at his funeral know that Steve was trans, so they’ll know to make the proper mental adjustments between the guy they knew as an adult, and what he looked like as a child.
Refer to Steve as Steve and he/his/him through all your stories. In the first one, if you feel you must qualify the picture, remember that everyone likely knows Steve’s story. You could say something like, “he was a little blonde child then” if you must, but whoever you’re telling the story to likely knows that. There may be pictures of Steve growing up, as well, and people can use those for reference.
Steve dancing around the hall singing a silly song is a memory of a personality, not a collection of physical characteristics. If you talk about Steve living on in your memories as a person with an enormous capacity for fun, exuberance and hijinks then that will resonate with those who remember him the same way. You don’t need to draw them a word picture of how Steve looked in that moment. Just talk about why it’s the memory you most connect with him.
I think it’s really kind of you to want to get this right. And I agree that the story about the silly song is sweet regardless of gender. It’s a lovely story about a child. If you do share these memories, it will be a great comfort to his family.
If you show respect and compassion to the deceased and his loved ones, I think people will see your intent and forgive any inadvertent slips. Do what you think is best and most respectful.
Talk about Eve, not Steve. Simple. Put the gender where you feel comfortable with it. I’m sure many others had observed the same thing as you back then and had just not spoken about it.
I’ve been in a similar situation. If somebody is rude enough to create a small storm over the issue, you and Eve’s mother can weather it. Strength in numbers.
Everyone else at the funeral is going to be in the same boat. So see how everyone else at the funeral handles it, and follow their example (especially family). Just don’t be the first to speak.
Beyond that, I would echo what others said. I would be prepared to keep descriptions and stories gender-neutral and refer to Steve as Steve, at least until you see how the family and close friends are handling the issue at the funeral itself.