How about just stating the facts openly and without embarrassment?
“I lost touch with Steve after he graduated. But I knew him when he was Eve, and I have wonderful memories of those days.”
Tell a quick story about what you know–a girl who danced and sang, bringing joy to everyone who was there.
I wonder, how much of “Eve” was still a part of “Steve”? I mean it sounds like Steve still played the same instruments Eve did. Their might be other things both had in common.
If the transition was only a couple years previous to the death, one could reasonably expect that there might be references to Eve. But ultimately funerals are about comforting family and close friends. If family and close friends have adopted a convention of referring only to Steve, then it would be awkward for social acquaintances to ignore that convention and go on about how much they loved Eve.
Like I said, I think it’s best to be prepared for either eventuality and then be guided by the example of the family at the event itself. Or call the mother ahead of time and ask her how the family is handling the matter.
That’s weird, because normally when someone transitions, they totally change personality in every way. They like different foods, their skillsets change. One person I knew who transitioned to female stopped speaking English and began speaking fluent Tagalog. You’re right to wonder–is something strange going on here, or is it mere coincidence that “Eve” and “Steve” played the same instrument?
And there you’ve nailed the OP’s issue. He thinks of Steve and Eve as two different people. He’s only one person. If you need to say anything, just call him Steve.
Surely, if you have a lot of stories, not all of them depend on Steve presenting as a girl at the time. Just tell the story with Steve as male–which he was.
And, if you’re worried you’ll mess up, rehearse it, and rehearse referring to Steve as male.
I’m not sure that’s fair. The OP’s question is a legitimate question: when referring to a transgender person who’s transitioned and adopted a new name, and when you’re talking about the person prior to their transition, when, if ever, is it appropriate to use their former name? I’m unsure on the etiquette of this situation.
Thank you for the pleasant conversation. I really am interested in getting this right. Steve is the only transgender person I have known (or known that I know). This is not an issue that is likely to make a big impact in my life, but I want to get my mind used to it if I can.
So, the visitation was today. I should point out that my relationship with Steve is beyond simply teacher/student. I work in a small town and kids join band at 6th grade. I also teach a fifth grade music class, so I meet these munchkins at ten years old and grow them into young men and women. It is very rewarding and many students stay in touch into adulthood. In Steve’s case, I worked with him all the way through school and was instrumental (ha!) in getting him into a good music school. In addition, he is only a few months older than my own daughter. They were good friends through school and he (as Eve) hung out at my house often. When Eve went away to college, she and my daughter naturally drifted apart as their lives took them in different directions. But both had warm memories for each other.
So, the visitation. My wife, daughter, and I went to the funeral home together. As people often do, there were pictures of Steve in the funeral parlor. However, none of the pictures were from before his transition. All of the pictures were from the last few years. The only artifact from his younger years was a recording of him playing Pachelbel’s Canon in D from high school. The music was playing during a video montage of pictures from the past few years. None of the pictures were of him playing the saxophone or of being in band. Band was everything to this kid in school.
My daughter was most upset about the lack of pictures or artifacts from those band years. Our band is very much a family and Eve and my daughter were central figures in that family. It isn’t that my daughter or I feel slighted, it’s that it’s like an important part of Steve’s life is completely unmentioned. It left us feeling almost like we were at the wrong funeral home.
However, Steve’s mom was so glad to see us. She and I worked together quite closely when Steve was in school. She (the mom) was president of our school’s band booster club and we (and my wife) worked together on many things. My wife became the president after Steve’s mom. I believe I represent a very happy time for her and her family. Steve’s mom has suffered the deaths of her husband, father, and only child in the last three years. When she and I were working together, life made sense. Her husband was alive and in reasonably good health and her daughter had a bright future ahead of her. In short order, her daughter began the process of transitioning, her husband got more sick (he had cancer for twenty years before succumbing to the disease), and Steve’s health (not related to the transition) caused her to have to drop out of school. Ultimately, the same cancer that claimed his dad also claimed Steve.
The funeral is tomorrow. My wife, daughter, and I will be attending. Steve was a good guy and the world is an emptier place without him. I hope that my presence during this difficult time will bring comfort to his family.
Keep in mind that though Steve seemed happy and well-adjusted in high school, and enjoyed time with your daughter, he was suffering inside. If you were able to ask him about it in person, I’m sure he would be grateful and look back fondly at the companionship, but not at his anguish at the time. And he was having great difficulty, no matter how well he hid that part of himself. Be happiest for him that his mom embraced his true self and transition and is honoring all of that even in death. There are many transitioned young people who’s family don’t respect them and hold their funeral as the wrong gender. It’s awful.
I’m sure Steve’s mom is taking great comfort in your being there.
Drum God,
I had a middle-aged friend who transitioned from male to female. Even after the transition was complete, she remained quite open about the fact that she was transgender and used to be a male and all that. Everyone knew; it wasn’t a secret she could hide. So it was fine to bring up the fact that she had transitioned.
On the other hand, she disliked people mentioning her old name or referring to her in the past by her old name. When she brought up the past, she simply referred to things as “pre-transition” and “post-transition” or something to that effect. But she was adamant about not using her old name or wanting to hear it from others. Even her kids: She had teenage kids when she transitioned, and she didn’t want them thinking of her as “Dad.” Instead, she wanted to be their second Mom.
That may sound harsh or rigid. But there were a couple reasons. First, she felt that she had been a woman all along, and that her past male persona was a “beard” or a fake. Now that she was truly herself, she didn’t want to be reminded of the bad old days. Second, there were people in her family and friends who refused to accept the transition process and continued to refer to her by her old name. So the name issue became kind of a litmus test as to who supported her in the transition vs. fighting her on it. If you even brought up the old name, you risked signaling that you were being unsupportive or that you preferred her as her “fake persona” instead of liking her as she really was now.
She wasn’t unreasonable about it. And she gave her kids plenty of time and space to come around at their own pace. (They all eventually came around and referred to her as “Mom.”) But it was definitely a “thing” with her.
I’m not saying that every transgender person will handle the situation the same. I could imagine some who might embrace their earlier persona as part of the journey. But I figure I would pass along my experience with my friend, since your friend’s family seems to be focusing only on Steve’s post-transition side.
My god, I’m glad I’ve never had to deal with this. I’ve known one transgender person and always kept calling it by its name. Damn society can’t make its mind up whether or not gender is a social construct or a biological reality and we have to deal with both conflicting theorems at once.
We are are foolish species.
I’m glad it went well though and that you reconnected. Keeping ties with one and other in a community is of great importance and you did a good service to it that day. I’m sure (St)eve would’ve appreciated it much. Regardless of what you called it.
Mf. I for one am going to get well out of the way before the angry mob turns up, but I’ll offer a quick word to the wise - there is probably zero percent chance that referring to a transperson as “it” is going to go down well, Pr0f.
I . . . don’t think “it” is cool.
And out of the woodwork they continue. Good God.
ETA: Wonderful thing you’re doing here. I’m sure Steve’s family truly appreciates your efforts.
At a funeral, however the family wants you to. If they want you to say “he” you say “he”, if they want you to say “she” you say “she”. If you can’t do that, you say “I am sorry for your loss” and leave it at that.
Regards,
Shodan
The things we say at a funeral are for the benefit of the people who are still alive. You say what they want you to say. If you can’t do that, drop a flower in the grave and move on.
That’s how I’d approach it. I’d also pay attention to how others handled it and what responses they got, especially from the family.
Be honest, respectful, and sensitive, and things should work out fine.
Right, if the OP were giving a eulogy, he’d ask beforehand. But this is just chat afterwards, which IMHO is an important part of a funeral. The family’s wishes might be obvious and might not.
Or gender, if you ask me.
If you’re referring to Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, do you say “In 1976 she was the AP Male Athlete of the Year”? Seems a bit confusing. And perhaps even more so if you’re referring to gendered activities in which are presumed. If you say “she was a member of the school’s basketball team”, the reader would naturally presume you meant the women’s basketball team and have to stop and remind themselves that at the time the person was a man (at least officially).
Let alone things which are really gender specific. “He began getting his period at age 12 …” I mean, it’s not like you can’t figure out what’s meant, but it sounds kind of odd.
I suppose all these things will be sorted out eventually.
I don’t see any mob coming after “Ze Pr0fes0re” (whether or not new as of today), but I do believe that (s)he would serve her/himself better focusing instead on his/her clinical depression with suicidal ideation rather than spend time on expressing relief that (s)he has “never [but the once?] had to deal with this.”
sigh
If you can’t say him or her, say “them”. I’m told “it” is a slap in the face.
I’m interested in the general question here as well. My brother was my sister up until about 5 years ago. But it hardly ever comes up. Occasionally I’ll talk about when we were kids and use “the girls” or “my sisters” when referring to that time, and it hasn’t been an issue, but my brother is pretty laid back about it. Hell, my parents just got around to calling him “him” and “his name” a couple of years ago, before that it was over 50% “her” and “his old name”. So I could talk to him about the issue but it doesn’t seem like he’s as sensitive as many in the trans community.
Also, he’s not yet 25, so he’s been a man almost 20% of his life by now, and all of his adulthood. The Caitlyn Jenner issue is different, in my opinion, so I’d like some input. Bruce Jenner won the gold in 1976 as a man. That’s a big deal, and a historical reference point for a lot of people. It seems a little – um, revisionist? – to say that Caitlyn Jenner won the gold for Men’s Decathlon in 1976. It just isn’t what happened. She only recently transitioned, and has 65 years worth of memories and achievements as a man. So how does one respectfully refer to the athlete who was on Wheaties boxes in the 70s?
It’s not a hugely important issue, and I don’t want to offend anybody, I just thought it was an interesting conundrum, and relevant to the OP.