Casual transphobia by host at a party

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Background before I get into the meat of this post:

My assigned sex and gender identity are both male, but I have three transgender friends online, and my dad is male-to-female transgender. In my spring semester of college last year, I wrote my final English paper on the subject of transgender rights, and got an A for my effort.

I consider myself very liberal. The church I go to is fairly conservative, but I love my friends there dearly.

So yesterday afternoon, my mother and I went to a fantastic party put on by one of the prominent businessmen in my church. It was a great shindig! Barbecue, low country boil, coleslaw, potato salad, strawberry shortcake, vanilla pudding. Plenty of bottled water, tea, and beer. 100 people or more showed up, including several friends from my young adult church group, and even the former mayor, 93 years old, of the town.

It rained a good portion of the day, but we didn’t let that get us down-- the hosting family was prepared with tarps over the tables and tarps over the food. When the rain got really bad, the food and the people simply moved inside.

Anyway-- after the rain started to let up, Mom and I got up and prepared to leave. I exited the house, and the host was there, along with one of my aforementioned friends. The friend got the host a beer or something, and the host said, "Oh, thanks. You’re my new hero…

“…used to be Caitlyn Jenner.”

GAH! Why, WHY must you rain on your own party with such… such casual transphobia?! Five years from now, that’s all I’ll remember about the damn party!

2

People is dumb. But I’m sorry you had to hear it. I’ve had to stop reading threads on this message board about Caitlyn Jenner and transgender issues because they just make me too sad. I think the only thing you can do in that situation is to say that Caitlyn Jenner is your hero – I know she is mine.

3

There are still lots of idiots in the world, but why hurt yourself? Just let it go. You had a nice party and at the very end, some idiot said something stupid. If you really remember that 5 years from now I would say that you enjoy feeling like a victim.

Or better yet, just openly confront people. In that situation I would probably have said something like “Why do you have to be such an asshole? What are you insecure about your own sexuality or something?” (or worse). Either hit back or let it go. Carrying shit around will just give you cancer.

4

OK, I admit at first I was confused… “wait, wouldn’t the transphobic thing be saying used to be ‘Bruce’ Jenner”? Then it :smack: hit me, oh, wait, he’s mocking the view that Caitlyn’s a hero or example…

It’s getting hard at times to keep track of who’s being ignorant of what even on one same subject…

5

Because of her visibility, Caitlyn is going to be the butt of a lot of jokes, some that wouldn’t have otherwise have been made, others that would’ve been substantially worse because they would’ve used a slur in place of her recognizable name. Sadly, her shoulder shrug reaction to some of the jokes at her expense is going to make things harder for other trans people who don’t have the benefit of fame and money to keep them above an atmosphere where “casual” transphobia contributes substantially to the 40% rate of attempted suicide in the trans community.

Recognizing it when you hear it is step one. Firmly, politely making it clear that it’s not acceptable is step two.

6

You’re right, of course. Mom was fortunate enough to still be in the house, and I’ve deliberately not told her about the “joke”, lest it color her opinion of the party and the man, too.

7

That is very likely what was meant. Someone doesn’t have to be transphobic to be a bit :rolleyes: at the constant pushing of Caitlyn Jenner as a hero. Give her an ESPY award! Give her a Congressional Medal of Honor! When she dies, have her lie in state – screw Rosa Parks! The joke was probably that this “heroism” is so shallow, it can be trumped by the act of bringing someone a beer. Unacceptable? I don’t think so.

8

I don’t think it really counts as transphobia if he used “Caitlyn” - you can disagree with his view of how important she is as a figure, but his issue doesn’t seem to be with her being trans.

9

Did you ask him what he meant or do you prefer to remain ignorant? It’s your choice, of course.

Jumping to conclusions is one way to get exercise but it doesn’t clear up the actual situation.

10

Also true… if I jump to Conclusions, I have to swim my way back.

I guess I’m assuming transphobia because it’s a conservative church, and because a guy in the same Sunday school class as us used the “slippery slope” argument when the same-sex marriage decision came down. “Next they’ll be wanting three-way marriage, or marriage with animals.”

But the moment for asking has passed, so I’ll try and give the party host the benefit of the doubt. He’s a nice guy, and it was one hell of a party.

11

The fact that she wasn’t deadnamed doesn’t mean that she wasn’t being mocked on the basis of her gender, via snark about the attention her public transition has garnered. Lots of people are mocking the idea of her being a “hero” because they haven’t absolutely no comprehension of the difficulty of transitioning outside the public spotlight, let alone within it. They also have no comprehension about how many people have been emboldened to live authentic lives because of a visible public figure doing likewise.

12

Maybe he’s just really judgmental about people’s driving skills.

13

Why is everything a phobia? Having an opinion against something does not equal fear.

14

I don’t think I understand the sentiment. Did the person basically say ‘my hero used to be Caitlyn Jenner and now my hero is you’?

15

I thought Rilchiam had a fair (i.e. - not knee-jerk) assessment of it in post 7.

16

Count me in also as someone who doesn’t see the transphobia here.

17

“Transphobia” doesn’t imply fear. It means anti trans bigotry. Yes, the origin of the word was based on fear, but “transphobia” and “homophobia” have both evolved in meaning.

18

Good idea. While there’s nothing wrong with cocking an eyebrow at a somewhat ambiguous remark, in the absence of confirmed malice it is appropriate to allow people the better read on their intentions.

19

This, or maybe he really does admire Jenner, and is merely being hyperbolic about the beer deliverer.

I can see myself making a joke like that. Maybe not about Caitlyn Jenner, but say Joe Hero just sacrificed his life to save 100 orphans from a burning building. He’s a real hero! But goddamn it, this man just brought me a beer.

20

I think it’s really ambiguous as to whether or not any transphobia was expressed there. It’s possible; but joke is opaque enough that I can’t tell for sure. My standard operating procedure in those circumstances is to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Chances are, if they’re really a bigot, you’ll have confirmation before too long. If they’re not you don’t want to falsely confront them as you’re leaving the party they just provided for you.