How should I greet this person?

In My Humble Opinion
21

This is the worst advice ever. You’re actually suggesting that the OP go up to someone who is grieving, that they KNOW has undergone a transition to a new name/identity, and call them “Sally/Sam”??? AND you think that if Sam responds with anything other than good humor, then HE’S the one showing a lack of class.

Ridiculous doesn’t even begin to cover it.

This is the same person you taught. He didn’t undergo some weird Invasion of the Body Snatchers experience that has turned him into a completely different person. It’s just now his outside matches his inside. At his father’s funeral is not the time for you to be working out transgendered relations. Be empathetic, call him Sam, express your condolences sincerely, and move on.

22

Please please please, do not try to say he/she or Sally/Sam as someone suggested. That is so hurtful.

Call him Sam. I think it’s ok to say something like, “You’re going by Sam now, right?” but it isn’t necessary. Use male pronouns. If you screw up* just say, “I’m sorry” and correct yourself.

It’s ok to feel awkward. I’m sure Sam feels awkward about this too, and is probably also stressing about it, and feeling bad for stressing about it, just as you are! But just use male pronouns, use the right name, and correct anyone who doesn’t**, and you’ll be fine.

*I have known a couple people before and after their transition, and I was shocked at how much worrying about using the wrong pronoun actually made me do it. I would be thinking “don’t forget to say he, don’t forget to say he, don’t forget to say he” and then BOOM! I’d say she. :frowning: So, I would sort of expect that you might say the wrong thing. Again, just don’t flip out. A quick, “I’m sorry, I meant ‘he’” is all that’s necessary

**you may be stunned to hear the awful things people will say about Sam when he’s not in earshot. I think it’s important to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN immediately. If someone says “OMG have you heard about Sally??!” just give them the steely eyes and say “He goes by Sam now.”

23

You know he is now Sam, right?

Quit over thinking it and call him Sam! It’s not like he harbours the illusion you haven’t heard.

Quit making harder than it needs to be and relax!

24

Yes, I too don’t see the issue. Unless I’m trying to get someone’s attention/calling them on the phone, I rarely use names. I’m 36, have done this all my life, and have only had one person ever get upset enough about it to make an issue of it.

25

Thank you all for the replies and for not making me feel like more of a fool for asking. I think I will offer the above, as that is what I would have said to Sally, and Sam is, after all, the same person. I don’t know that Sam knows that I have heard about his change. I learned of it a few months ago in a chance meeting with his mom at the supermarket. I struck up a conversation along the lines of “How’s it going? Been a long time.” etc. She told me of her husband’s illness’s turn for the worse. She also told me of Sally’s change. She then burst into tears. This poor woman has been through a lot in a very short period of time. In fact, her husband’s cancer is hereditary and Sam has it, too. (It showed up in dad in his mid-20’s, too.)

Sally was the sort of kid who was in always in the Band Hall after school. Usually, she would practice or do other homework. Often, she would dance around the room singing silly songs. I can still hear her sing “You lift me up, Buttercup!” Trying to fit Sam’s face on that memory is…challenging. But, it is my challenge, not Sam’s. I will offer my warmest condolences when I see him tomorrow. He has lost his dad at what is certainly a challenging time in his life.

26

I admit, I say the same thing at almost every funeral; “It’s good to see you but I’m sorry it’s under these difficult circumstances.” Sam probably A) knows his mom’s told people in your town as moms are wont to do and 2) will barely remember much of what’s said to him this blurry, trying week.
It sounds like this family was quite involved in the band, so it would be nice if you stopped by their house w/ a fruit tray for breakfast. I bet they have visitors from out of town and they’d appreciate not having to make a breakfast meal w/ everything else going tomorrow. “I appreciate everything your family’s meant to our band. I’m sorry for your loss.”
I’ve done it, they’ve always been very grateful for the easing of that morning’s difficult meal; they’re about the begin one of the most draining days of their life.

27

You apparently are a good person who cares about others.
I am sure you did fine at the funeral.
Let us know how it went, please.
Guidance along these lines is always useful for those who have no known interaction with transsexuals.

28

Since you found out through facebook-stalking (not in a bad way, I know, but he has no way of knowing you looked him up!) that Sally is now Sam, I think a small, polite acknowledgement would be right. “Am I correct in thinking it is Sam now?”

You are acknowledging him, after all, and it seems politer to me than pretending nothing at all has happened. I think it would be nice to let him know you are aware of the situation and completely accepting of him. There are probably plenty of people awkwardly pretending there is nothing going on.

Go with what feels right at the time. If you shake his hand in a crowd of people, you might feel better saying “I am so sorry for your loss” and moving right on. If you are little to the side it might feel better saying “Sam, I am so sorry for your loss. I am correct in thinking it is Sam now?” etc.

29

This is how I think about it, too. Sam doesn’t know you know he’s Sam, even if it will be obvious that he is male. The only other way I could see to do it is to avoid the name altogether, since you aren’t supposed to know the new one yet. But, like people said, that can seem awkward if you spend anymore than a moment with him.

Sure, talking to people you know well or interact with regularly without using their name is normal, but for people you haven’t seen for a long time, it’s awkward. It comes across as you not remembering their name.

30

The worst way to deal with a trans person is by making a big deal about it. Especially at a funeral. Say hello, call him Sam if you have to call him anything, and he will appreciate the fact that you’re not making a big deal about it. So don’t make a big deal out of it.

ETA: If you call him Sam, he will know that you’re aware of his change. You don’t need to explain anything. You do need to avoid making a big deal about it.

31

This is rather icky and inappropriate for this thread. Don’t make racist jokes.

32

You might consider adding “for the loss of your father” to the end of that. Just to make sure why you are offering sympathy.

I would make no reference at all to whatever the name used to be. Just say “Sam”. If you are wrong, accept correction graciously and move on.

Regards,
Shodan

33

You are worring to much. I know someone who changed her name. I liked her former name but as a high school teacher it could cause problems. So she changed it. It was a few years before I saw her. At the time I told her that I would probably always think of her by her old name, and I assked why and how did she change her name. She explained and was OK with me calling her by her old name. Funny thing is now I only refeer to her by the new name.

You already know the how and why. When you see her id necessary just tell him that it will take time for you to get use to the new name. I sure she will understand. It will be ok and you will begin to think of him as Sam.

34

Chances are he may not recognize his HS band teacher, So just introduce yourself to the bereaved student, “hope you remember me, I’m Mr Drumgod at Nrivana High School?” Offer condolences.

Sam may then say “Hey Mr. DG”, stick out his hand and say, call me Sam.

For the life of me I wouldn’t comment on his appearance though…

35

Call him Sammy, but mumble it so it can sound like either Sally or Sammy

36

Thank you for the many very kind responses. I was so afraid that people would find some reason to make me feel like an idiot for even thinking about this.

I did attend the funeral and, after the burial service, had just a moment to speak with Sam. Sam is only 24 years old, and it is a small town. I had already been greeted by name by several other attendees, even some whom I did not recognize myself. Such is the life of a small-town band director. I was not concerned that Sam would not know who I was. The only Facebook stalking I did was to find a picture. I am pleased to say that he looks better now than he did in the profile picture.

When I did visit with Sam, I firmly shook his hand, embraced him, and offered my sincerest condolences. As was suggested up thread, I said the same things I would have said to Sally. It is, after all, the same person. I mentioned that I had talked to his mom a few months ago and she had told me of some of the things going on in their lives (such as dad being sick, etc.) I also invited him to call or come by the Band Hall some time. I mentioned that we have a lot of good memories there. He agreed that we did, and then we had to break up as he had other responsibilities to attend.

As an aside, the funeral service (at the church) had a glaring (to me) omission. Several people, including two ministers, recounted sometimes humorous stories about the deceased. Each of the close relatives (brothers and sisters, parents (mom and stepfather are still alive), wife) were mentioned. There were no stories of adventures with Sally as she was growing up, etc. I never witnessed anyone being rude or disrespectful toward Sam, and he sat on the front pew next to his mom, but he seemed curiously absent from the comments made by the speakers. The church was an Evangelical Lutheran Church, which, as I understand it, has taken a very progressive approach to LGBT issues. I don’t believe that the church itself would have any opposition to Sam, though some individual parishioners may.

The other thing that struck me was a lack of Sam’s classmates. The only other person I recognized from school was there with her parents (remember: small town; everyone knows everybody). When I looked in on Facebook, Sam and I had about five Friends in Common. I have many former students on Facebook, so I typically have many Friends in Common among local FB Friends. In Sam’s case, there are a few, though that can be explained by many of his classmates not recognizing his new name.

Finally, the obituary listed Sam as the deceased only child. This was in the printed obit handed out at the church, the obit on the funeral home website, and as it was read by the minister. No mention of Sally was made at all.

Oh, and for purplehorseshoe, I didn’t mean that I go to funerals every weekend. But, if I learn of a funeral involving our band family, I will usually attend if possible. I have been in this town for fifteen years. I have taught nearly one thousand students. After the burial service, I wandered through the cemetery for a bit. I know LOTS of people there, or at least know ABOUT them. When my own son died ten years ago (this month) nearly half the town showed up for the funeral. Seeing their old band director actually is a special thing for some folks. :smiley:

Thank you again for the very warm and helpful replies.