Look, you goddamned cuntfunnel. I realize that being a funeral director is a difficult fucking job. I know you have to come in and be a salesman at the worst possible time. And I try to make allowances for that, but some people just don’t get it. Do NOT try to crack jokes or make light of the situation. I’m picking out a casket for my father. The man who taught me the few things I know about life. The man who once told me he banged a girl so hard, her freckles came off. If you’re uncomfortable with me taking my time trying to decide the last thing that I’m gonna see my father in, you should have picked another line of work. I’m not sure if the funeral inductry works on commission, but you’re not trying to seel me a fucking car. Don’t try and bump me up to a more luxurious model. “This one has lead lining, so he’ll survive a nuclear war.” Um, no, he won’t. He didn’t survive three heart attacks in four fucking days; all of the sudden he’s a cockroach? I don’t need brass engravings. The military plaque was nice. Yeah, he was in Nam. But he was drafted. He didn’t volunteer. He wanted to stay at home in his fire department job with his new wife who was expecting his first child. Didn’t happen. Why insult his memory by leaving that on his casket for all eternity? When it comes time for the obituary to be put in the paper, ask one of his children about the surviving family members. Don’t ask his second wife. Her two kids were never formally adopted by him, therefore they should not appear as his daughters. He didn’t have ANY daughters. He had three sons. And one grandchild. Not two. I realize that you, Mister Funeral Director Person, will never read this. And that all of this happened back in January, and you have no fucking recollection of who I am. But maybe you should realize that your job is a serious one. Take it seriously. Don’t take personal calls from your wife while we’re discussing arrangements. Don’t joke, kid, riddle, ad-lib, use a double-entendre, pun, or anything else. Listen to what I want. And do it. You’re here to serve me in my time of need. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. Or you.
::taking out a pad of paper and a pencil::
“Cuntfunnel… sweet!”
That guy sounds like a major asshole. You would think that people working in funeral homes would have some special training in sensitivity. It seems to me that people are quite touchy after the death of a loved one and that those in charge of handling funeral arrangements and obituary notices should take this into account and keep their fuck-ups to a minimum.
And although this is rather impersonal and belated, it is sincere: I’m sorry for you about your father.
/me goes and finds his will and underlines the part in the funeral preparations about just wanting a shroud and getting stashed in dirt
hijack:
This reminds me of my grandfather, a lovable but crabby old bat who complained about the price and “to do” about everything under the sun. So when he passed away, my mom and her sister went to pick out a casket. The funeral director (a much more sensitive and kind one than illustrated in the OP) said “it’s important to do what you think your father would have wanted”
“If that’s true,” my mother said, “we should just wrap him in a sheet and roll him down the hill”
It’s one of our favorite stories to this day. I’m sure my grandfather would have liked it.
jarbaby
You would think so. A few years ago, before I went to pick up my pet’s ashes, after several phone calls to determine whether the ashes were ready (no one at the crematory had seemed to know where they were, two days after we delivered her body), I had quietly (and near tears) expressed to the woman on the phone our frustration with their seeming insensitivity and lack of interest in finding our pet’s remains. (I won’t go into details of what they did – I’m getting stressed just typing this – but believe me, it was bad). When I got there (alone, and shaking – Mr. S was at work), I will never forget the shock of being cursed at (for having told them we were upset) and seeing the box containing my pet’s ashes slammed onto the desk in front of me by the owner of the pet crematory. What a wonderful time to be told to, and I quote verbatim, “Take the goddamn thing and get the hell out of here.”
I can only hope that karma will catch up with this callous asshole.
Put those instructions somewhere other than your will, Matt! The will may not even be read until after the funeral. And don’t store them in a safe-deposit box - that gets sealed at your death and doesn’t get opened for quite a while. If you have a filing cabinet for “important” papers, put the instructions in a folder labeled “Funeral Wishes” and tell your family members about its existence and location.
Thanks, Chum. I suppose I should just stick with saying thanks you instead of flirting right here. Then again, my dad would have flirted whenever the chance arose. So, Chum…how YOU doin’? 
Let me assure you not all funeral directors are assholes like that, and that the legit ones, like my Dad, hate those vulchers.
(He’s had to work with a few of them…especially interns, and he really doesn’t let them get away with it.)
It is an extremely hard business, and those who go around trying to screw the families over really make it worse for the good ones.
I am sorry to hear that this happened for you this way. I guess their are cuntfunnels (love that word) in every profession.
I can assure you not all funeral directors are like this.
My mother passed away 51 weeks ago and I have respect for the funeral director I dealt with. My mother passed away in her home and he arranged for the pickup of the body through cremation through everything … I must say, that especially given the circumstances, he was the most professional individual I have dealt with in years !!!
Awww… you make me blush! Seriously, how did you know that I have a secret crush on you?
(Was that in my out-loud voice?)
[Cartman]
Kickass
[/Cartman]
Wow! My first secret crush. I’m so excited. It’s weird. I’m usually the one with the secret crush on others. This is new for me.
There’s something creepy about a secret crush hijack in a “tasteless asshole funeral director” thread.
Superdude, I feel bad that you had to put up with that sort of treatment. How you got through without punching his lights out is beyond me.
Zette
Jessica Mitford’s classic book, The American Way of Death is a very interesting look into the workings of the funeral industry. I know they came out with a recent edition, but I don’t know if the text has been updated to reflect recent changes int he industry. Anyway, it’s a good read.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father, Superdude, and for your experience with the jerky funeral director.
And I, too, am really icked out by the above flirting. Well, after you two meet, marry, etc., it will make an interesting “how we met” story for the grandkids and/or Ann Landers. Good luck explaining “cuntfunnel.”
Zette:
Green Bean:
Yeah, I can see why. But, like I said, this is the same person who, right after telling me about the facts of life, told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off. The sort of person who actually wouldn’t mind a hijack like that. So I flirt for his honor! And, of course, because it’s Chum.
Super, I’m sorry to hear about your father and the the rough time you had the funeral home.
Looking forward to seeing at ChiDope. You know, there’s nothing like shared pain (our visit to the studio!) to help cement a friendship! 
BTW all, I’d like to recommend an absolutely INCREDIBLE book called The Undertaking: Life Studies From The Dismal Trade by Thomas Lynch. He’s a funeral home director (and poet) at a small town here in Michigan and this book is about his experiences with death, dying and, alternatively, life. It is, bar none, one of the most beautifully written and wonderful books I’ve ever read. And I read. A LOT!
Hey! He started it!
I’m glad that I “excite” you, Superdude!
Hey, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My dad was a master flirt. Didn’t matter if his wife was there or not. And, Chum, I am, too.
Well, then I’ll honor your father too!
::looks around for someone to flirt with::
Hi matt_mcl. I’m wearing thong underwear!
Okay, so I’m not very good at this. 
Superdude, my sympathies on the loss of your father. I’m sorry the funeral director was such an insensitive cad.
I just have one commment, not directed at you, but one point in your post got me thinking. Funeral directors really have to be sensitive to how different families are composed, because what may work for one family might not be how another family does things. My dad died two years ago. He never formally adopted me or my sister. But his obit listed us both, and our children as well, and I’m confident he would have wanted that. His grandchildren by his biological kids call my mom “Grandma” and my kids and my sister’s called him “Grandpa.” Obviously, the relationships in your family weren’t like that, so listing the steps in the obit wasn’t appropriate. But the funeral person has no way to know this until you explain it. And if there are sore feelings between the steps, the funeral director has know way of knowing that she’s about to walk into a minefield. She has to ask to find out, and to be sure that she’s not going to be getting flack from family members who feel they were somehow slighted.
My dad hated it when the funeral director would stand up just before they hauled the body off to the church and lead prayers. He always felt this was crass, that family members or a priest ought to do this. One day he told me that if anyone let this happen at his funeral,he would haunt them eternally. I made sure to tell my sisters and my mom this when the funeral was being arranged–hell, I didn’t want to be haunted! So just before they hauled him off, up gets the funeral director…my mom didn’t say a thing. I considered tackling him to make him stop, but I was in the back of the “chapel” and I was eight months pregnant and had a 2 1/2 year old in tow. My dad must have realized my intentions were good, though, because I haven’t been haunted yet. Moral of the story–if you have specific wishes about what should or shouldn’t be done at your funeral, be sure and put it in writing and make sure your survivors know they should put a copy of it in the funeral director’s hands first thing.
Let me add this note from someone who has taken obituaries at several different newspapers. At every paper, we realize that the notices are for the family members. At the smaller newspapers, we tried to stretch a point to include whatever information the family wanted, with the possible exception of including a pet as a survivor, no matter how valued (although I actually saw this once, when the obit takers was inexperienced). We also tend not to allow anyone other than immediate family (and that does include “significant others” and same-sex partners) to be listed as survivors, unless they lived in the house.
Second, to keep us from getting involved in family squabbles, we have to insist on getting the information for the obit from the funeral home. Period. We put in what they tell us, not someone from the family who calls us directly (the one exception is when no funeral home is involved, which happens rarely, but it does happen). We do this to avoid having different sides of the family call in and squabble over what should go in and what should be left out.
The only alternative we can offer, in the case of problems like this, is to sell a paid obit, which can be worded any way the seller wants.