Advice. Possible domestic violence. long story.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not even sure where to post this, but here goes.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and moved out. I now rent a room from an older man who had placed an ad on a well known website in this area. It’s a beautiful house in a beautiful area of town. But that is beside the point.

My house mate (John) is very quiet, respectful, etc. Well, before I moved in with him, he told me (in passing) about his ex-boyfriend, Chris. He didn’t go into a lot of detail, but basically said that they were still friends. I met Chris a few times and he seemed like a normal guy, he would come over at least once or twice a week. Over the past few months, John has told me some stories about Chris and how he has had a rough childhood (Chris is only 25 years old, but looks about 40) of abuse, etc.

Well, last night, Chris came over, unannounced. He asked John to go somewhere with him, but John said he didn’t want to go because he had other plans. Chris went crazy. He became very enraged and began to throw things around. I was in my room at the time. Well, this went on for about 10 minutes and I decided that I’d go outside and sit on the porch, still within earshot of what was going on inside. I had planned on leaving earlier, but thought it may not be a good idea to leave John alone. Well, as I was walking outside, John stopped me in the hallway and said, “don’t leave”. So, I didn’t. At this time, we were all on the front porch. John asked Chris to leave and Chris said he had no intention of leaving. Chris then began to direct some anger towards me, saying that this had nothing to do with me and that I’d better be on my way. Normally, I would have said that this is my house and I don’t have to go anywhere, but at this particular time, it would have cause more problems. I think it’s important to note that Chris is a bodybuilder and taking steroids. Honestly, he scared me a little bit, I could see the rage in his face. I decided that it might be better if I left, so I got in my car and drove down the street and parked and then quietly walked back toward the house. I called my boyfriend and he told me I had to go back (and not be in the middle of it, but still there), so I did. When I got back, they were out on the sidewalk having an argument. I went in the house, and about 5 minutes later, John came in and said that Chris left. We had a long talk and apparently this is the 3rd time that Chris has “Gone off” in the past year or so, and the police have been involved at least twice. The last time the police were called, he was taken to jail. A few days later, Chris broke into the house and destroyed some things (i.e. a computer, the phones, a few dishes, etc). This whole thing really saddens me because John is a hardworking, honest, sincere guy who doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment. I’m not even sure how he even got involved with this guy.

John was visibly shaken after Chris left. He told me that he was afraid that if I hadn’t been there, it would have escalated to physical violence. From what I saw, I agree with him. John says that Chris has never hit him, but he has punched walls, thrown dishes, etc. Now, John doesn’t know what to do. He wants to get a restraining order, but thinks that may set Chris off even more. He has also thought about selling his house and moving far away, but is reluctant to do that because he is getting ready to retire in two years. I suggested that he at least call the police and explain the situation and get their advice.

I guess if I had one question to ask, it’s “do restraining orders work?” What other advice can I offer John? I really feel for him, and I am also a bit worried that if I get too involved (which I don’t plan on doing, but I won’t let John be abused) I’ll be the target of anger.

Eric

2

Restraining orders can work, but it won’t necesarily prevent Chris from going into a rage again and going back into the house.

It is a first step though, you (or John) should call the police and explain the whole situation, also, ask the cops the exact same question you asking in your post “Will restraining order be enough?”

If the problem escalated further, maybe you should contact a few of your nearby friends and have John do the same thing. Friends will help if they can.

I do not know if Chris’ rage will escalate from the things he’s currently doing. But it is best to start now, call some people, get some help.

I suggest you have John do the same thing. Be careful and good luck.

3

Protect yourself first. Don’t let his situation put yours in danger. Remember that when making decisions on what to do.

-Tcat

4

Restraining orders do not always work by themselves but if someone shuold happen it will be one of the first questions:

“Did you have a restraining order?”

John should get one to get the attacks etc noted for the record. It’s important and it also gives him ammo should Chris come over (he can call the police and have him removed for violating the order).

5

Document, document, document! Have him start a log, (in a fresh notebook that is used for nothing else, number the pages) and write down all that was said and done in the last incident to the best of his memory. Have him initial and date the entry, make sure he puts in the date and time the incident happened in the entry. Each time Chris so much as sneezes in John’s direction John should log it, date it, and initial it. This will be invaluable if it comes to pressing stalking charges, which is what it is heading towards. Yes, he needs a restraining order, and he needs a copy to keep on his person at all times in case he is accosted in a public place and has to call the police to make Chris desist. It isn’t perfect, but it can be successful in getting through to some people that their obsession wants nothing more to do with them.

This site has links to various resources, and probably tips on how John can approach things and finally win some peace of mind. Good luck. As a sidenote, if Chris broke any of your stuff, press charges, and consider filing a restraining order against him as well if he directs aggression your way again. You should also log what he said to you, and what his demeanor was as he said it (as in, clinched fists, clinched jaw, looming etc.) date it, and initial it.

6

The steroids certainly aren’t helping. Statistics show that they have an active part in many rage situations.

The order of protection might help, might not. It all depends. I agree with others who say log everything and he really needs to cut all ties with this guy. It sounds like the door is part way open and he needs to end it once and for all.

7

While I know that any home can be broken into, some can take longer than others if their owners plan ahead. As Chris may have keys, you need all new/better locks. You need stronger (reinforced past the frame?) doors. I’d recommend a peep-holes & a door without windows for both front & back. You need windows designed to keep him out.

But hey, I just post here. The person you both need to make an appointment with (and follow the suggestions of) is your local Locksmith.

By All Means, get a restraining order…and if he even rings your front bell, call 9-1-1.

8

I am coming back to add, John should make it clear to Chris that he is no longer welcomed on his property, and he should stick to it. If Chris comes by, don’t let him in, don’t talk to him except to say “You are not welcome here, leave!” ESPECIALLY if he gets a restraining order he needs to abide by this, because he can weaken the restraining order if he gives Chris entry or talks to him beyond saying “Leave me alone!”. And save any messages he leaves on the phone too. Caller ID is a good idea, and he shouldn’t answer Chris’ calls either. If Chris starts using other phones to call and harass him, this should also be documented. He can’t be wishy washy if he does take out a restraining order, he has to show resolve, and persist in it. Good luck to him, and you in getting Chris to stop.

9

If an insane person is in your house throwing things around, call the police!!!

10

You’re crazy to stay there. It’s bad enough to get between a man and woman or two women, but getting between two ex-lovers who are also full grown men is a prescription for being injured or killed, especially when the vibe seems to be that your friend is looking to you as some sort of behavioral control or shield from his violent ex. The ex-boyfriend apparently feels he has the run of the place, and you landlord seems to be doing (so far) little to dissuade him from “dropping by” despite violent episodes in the past.

No good can some of this. You’re in the middle of a very explosive scenario and your landlord apparnlty wants you to stand between him and his ex-bf if trouble occurs. Get packing.

11

Get a restraining order or whatever court order is appropriate in your jurisdiction. It won’t physically keep Chris from coming by but it will show that you are serious about his not being around. Once it is in place (and before), avoid him. Give him no reason or chance to have any contact with you, and hold firm that he is forbidden from visiting your apartment or coming near you.

Suggest to John that he do the same thing. If he is hesitant to do so, then end the friendship or give him distance. You don’t want Chris to be able to say “But John (or you) said that it was ok this time” when you call the cops. Chris may be at a point where he cannot recognize any boundaries except those that are absolutely clearly and firmly stated.

For what it’s worth, Chris sounds a lot like my (semi-ex) brother in law. Back in the 1908s, when he was in his twenties, people would see The River’s Edge and tell my wife that they had seen a movie about her brother. He’s forty-seven, still living at home, and the years of living like that have worn him down. He may have threatened his parents’ lives lately but, sadly, that’s old hat by now. The worst that he has done recently was threatened to call the cops on his mom for allegedly throwing away his stash. It’s a shame–if he was a smart sociopath/bipolar he could have gone far.