Regarding the definition of cheating? Cheating is anything you feel you need to keep secret from your spouse. This can be hiding anything from reciepts to sexual encounters. So as you can see, my opinion is that you are cheating (I presume that you’ve not told your wife about your overseas friend).
I feel that it would be in your best interest and the best interest of your marriage if you were to pour some of that overtime and time spent with your girlfriend into your wife. Let her know that you want to be with her. Not that you want to want to be with her.
A bit of advice I can offer to others in this situation is to try everything you can to make it better. Try to meet her needs as much as possible. But if it still isn’t working after you feel you’ve done everything you can, you should end the relationship. If there’s no fire and you can’t get it lit, it probably won’t get better.
I’ve been with my wife for 15 years. The desire was there from her at the beginning, but it slowly drifted away. I kept thinking that I needed to do this or that better. We’d talk about it and she needed to feel more loved. So I’d make an extra efforts in that department but her desire never seemed to change. What did change would be her receptiveness to intimacy if I initiated it, but there was not the desire from her. It’s more like she’s doing me a favor than satisfying her needs. If I never initiated it, it would never happen and she’d be fine with that.
It took me a long time to realize that I could not change her desire for me. It’s like being in the “friends zone” with your wife.
Unfortunately it took me so long to realize the situation that we now have children and I want them to have a good childhood. I’ve committed to stay in the relationship until they get to college which is many years off. We have a good relationship, it’s just that we’re more like roomates or companions than lovers. But looking back, I wish I had recognized the signs earlier.
So if you’re in a relationship like this and don’t have kids yet, I would say to end the relationship. If you’ve tried everything and it doesn’t help, it won’t get better. There’s no prize for being together the longest so end it while you can. Don’t put yourself in a relationship you can’t get out of and the only way to get your desires met is by having an affair.
I’m not married, so I don’t have firsthand experience in the matter of fathering a family, but I think this is an excellent suggestion, if you would like to rekindle the marriage, so to speak. Best of luck to you.
I don’t think jeah needs to treat his wife the way he wants to be treated; he needs to treat her the way she wants to be treated. I’m willing to bet that jeah doesn’t really notice how often his wife cleans the toilets. His needs and her needs are different, and in unclear enough ways that at least one person has written a book on the subject. If he did things like cleaning the toilets, it might help. But, maybe not. Once you’ve entered “the friend zone”, it is just about impossible to get out of it.
Try to take your wife away for a weekend trip. Just somewhere alone, the two of you.
Make an effort twice a week (weekdays) to get home early, no excuses. Why should a woman want to have sex with you when you put your job above her? It doesn’t matter if something just has to be done. She is more important, and unless you’re saving someone’s life, it can wait until the next day.
Why are you spending time cybering your girlfriend instead of spending it with your wife?
Give your girlfriend the heave-ho. Things will never get better as long as you have her as backup.
A marriage only works when the two people involved work at it and are honest in their communications with each other.
thanks everyone for the comments. i’ve (intentionally) left out an important part of this because i wanted your opionon on what i asked so far…
the important thing i neglected to mention is that as of a week ago, my wife knows about the other girl. i immediately ended things with the girlfriend, destroyed all emails, and hope i can make everything better.
before i was caught, i felt like Rubystreak described, that it wasn’t what i wanted (not by a long shot), but what i really wanted (my wife and i romantic and sexual) wasn’t available, and that i was doing far less wrong then others in my situation would do. i wasn’t in a position to bring home diseases, get any unexpected new children, or run off and leave my family in a lurch. what i had wasn’t really what i wanted, but it was ok, and though i didn’t feel it was right, i also didn’t feel it was horribly wrong either.
well, today i feel a lot differently, as my wife – who i love dearly – is not happy with me, to put it mildly. i’m getting us to a councilor and hopefully that will help things.
so now you have the whole story. what are your thoughts?
I’m glad you two have decided to take up counseling. Hopefully both of you can talk and sort the issues you clearly have out.
I also understand her reaction towards it. What would you have done had the situation been reversed, and it was her you had caught having an internet relationship? Probably a bit late for that question; should have asked it to yourself before the affair started.
Also… Happy you ended things with her. Just a question out of curiousity, how did internet-girl take it?
Now that you’ve been caught, I think it’s worthwhile to stop arguing semantics (i.e. whether or not what you’ve done qualifies as “an affair”) and focus, as Crazy Cat Lady, Deadly Accurate and others have suggested, on rebuilding your marriage.
Also, in retrospect, isn’t it odd to you that this other woman was able to fulfill your needs for affection and sex, yet you were able to effectively wipe her out of your life at the drop of a hat?
Have you mentioned to your wife the reasons for your looking outside the marraige? Lack of sex is a huge thing for a lot of people, and lack of physical affection I think is even more of an issue. I’m not suggesting that what you did was right, or that it was wrong, just that it was a reason, and that maybe it would be good to bring these points up to your wife.
You say you really love her, do you think that she loves you? Is there anything you can do to change the things that are making her unhappy? Is there anything you think that she would do to change the things that are making you unhappy? I think I understand your reasons for staying with her but remember also, you both deserve happy lives. Do you think that you can give that to eachother?
Either way Jeah, I wish you lots of luck, lots of sex, and IMHO most important of all, a happy wife. Maybe with that last one in place, everything else will come together.
Jeah you sound like a good person. And I bet you wife is too.
But no sex for six years. That’s not being married, that’s having a roommate.
I know you took some of heat for your “affair” in this thread, and now that your wife knows about your “affair” she has all the she needs to make you the bad guy.
When you go to counseling, keep an open mind, try to see her points and her needs, but don’t forget about your own. They’re just as valid as hers.
First of all, I’m sorry for you. I ahve been in your shoes and it is a very tough place to be, very sad, vvery lonely. I reacted mostly the same way. IMO if I didn’t have sex then it wasn’t an affair but what happened was I became emotionally close to someone else. IT was an affair and I expect that yours is the same. IT ended my marraige, not by my spouse finding out or anything like that but because the last shred of of connection I had to my husband was destroyed when I chose to share my inner-most feelings with someone else. Eventually we were strangers to each other. I know it woudl be easier for you if we all said “Well shucks no, that’s not an affair” and you wouldnt feel guilty. I’m not saying you should but just be aware of the repercussions and there is no way out of having it not affect your family.
jeah, it kinda sounds like you were looking for vindication for doing something that you knew was wrong here. I’m not going to take a soft stance on cheating here; I agree with funion’s definition - you cheated on your wife when you did something that you knew she wouldn’t want you doing, no matter what justification you thought you had to do it. You and your wife definitely have problems, and going to counselling is a great first step. Another great step for you to take would be to own up to your actions and the fallout from them.
I am truly baffled that anyone could construe this as cheating. I always figured that cyber sex was just masturbation with visual aids. I mean, really.
it’s one thing to say that a physical need is being unfulfilled, but when you’ve that level of interaction with another person, there is clearly an emotional gap being filled- and that hurts a whole lot more than the other.
I think that my wife would be just as mad at me for sitting around holding another woman’s hand and going places with her as if she found me fucking her. though neither one is worth my life to find out.
jeah- well, you got caught. sorry that the issue has been forced like this, but it was probably for the best. counseling sounds like a good idea. hopefully a professional will get you to where you need to be.
i do wonder- when did you get to talk to this girl? was that not time you could have spent with your wife? and the ‘past hardships’ that you mentioned- was infidelity one of them? because if you don’t see how that would cool off a sexual relationship, there’s not much hope for you.
i also keep thinking of the thread that DaddyTimesTwo had about his wife and their sex life…if your wife suspects that any good thing that you is geared towards softening her up so that you can fuck her, it’s probably not going to work very well to that end.
Seriously, j_kat, I’m truly baffled how anyone could not see this as cheating. Stonebow is absolutely right - it’s the intimacy. When I made my marriage vows to my husband, we didn’t vow specifically to be emotionally and physically intimate only with each other, but it was definitely implied and understood as part of “forsaking all others”. If I am emotionally distant to my husband, but laugh and talk and have fun with another man, I would consider that cheating. It really is a cheat - I’m taking something away from our relationship and giving it to someone else.
My view is, it’s cheating if your partner would be upset at you for doing it. I may have missed it, but it looks like you’re keeping this from your wife, because you’re afraid she’d disapprove and find out. Ergo, I’d say you’re having an affair.
I know this is a zombie but did we ever establish if his girlfriend ever existed? He’s never seen her face and doesn’t know anything concrete about her. My first thought was that she wasn’t real.
