Affair - Please help me!

In My Humble Opinion
41

Of course you’re feeling happy - you’re acting out that old fantasy of "I should have been with my high school crush! because of course when we’re weirded-out hormonal teens we know exactly what’s best for our lives but naturally we didn’t bother to actually do anything about it then, and so it served as our fall-back fantasies of “soulmates” and all that bullshit " without any of the responsibility of actually, you know, getting married to him, committing to him, going through the day-to-day highs-and-lows of life, the tough stuff, the drudgery, the “for worse” part of “for better or for worse.”

You know, like you do with your husband. The guy who you at one time fell so in love with that you agreed to marry him and share your life with him, to have children with.

I was like you at one point, but I did it before my husband and I got married, and I am grateful every single damned day of my life since then that I wised up and he forgave me. I was stupid enough to think that I was better than him, that I could do better, when that wasn’t the case at all - and no, that’s not a caving-in, “I can’t find anyone better” response of a woman with no self-esteem, it’s me getting better psych help for the depression I was in and was letting twist me because it was easier than facing reality, me rediscovering him, the two of us working to build our relationship together. Reading your justification struck an all-too-familiar chord. Maybe he’s depressed too. Maybe he is worn out by a wife who has to allow herself to be touched, who goes through the motions in sex and can’t bear his touch, but who still claims to love him even with those attitudes towards him and sex with him. That’s not love on your part.

Be honest with yourself - is it depression but rather than looking within yourself or at divorce, are you placing blame on him? You say he’s a good father, but he could be just as good of one if you were divorced. Are you sticking with him for the convenience factor? Extra income? For the built-in babysitter while you’re on a tryst? Do you think your lover would like dealing with young kids (after getting his to teenage years finally) and the responsibilities of marriage again? And are you sure that he really had this “oh we’re soulmates!” fantasy all along, or maybe he was just going along with it because hey, he gets to have sex without the commitment, having to be a stepfather to your kids, and all the bummer stuff about marriage.

Yes, I’m being harsh. Sometimes I think it’s warranted if you get yourself to think about it and what you’re doing. If your husband finds out and decides to divorce you, and assuming this is something that’s important to you, you might well find yourself without primary custody of the kids, especially if his lawyer works the “crazy lady on meds” aspect. Your kids would inevitably hear the “Mommy was cheating on Daddy and made him sad, and I guess she loved that other guy more than her own kids because otherwise she wouldn’t have done that” reasoning, or maybe they’ll start thinking that way down the road.

You have someone you can talk to about this - your psychiatrist/therapist/whatever. And if you haven’t told him/her - why not? Because you’d be persuaded to stop it and analyze yourself about why you’re doing it, right?

Get individual counseling for this. Tell your husband that you want to go to couple’s counseling because obviously things could be better between the two of you. And drop the lover, now. Tell him it’s over and that the two of you can never screw, meet, speak, write, E-mail, call, text, whatever, ever again. I’d fall on the side of not ever revealing the affair to your husband, if only because he doesn’t deserve to be hurt, and typically revealing it also requires some element of remorse, which you don’t have.

Then again, there is merit in letting your husband know exactly what he’s dealing with. Maybe he’ll love you and forgive you, like happened to me, but I actually deeply regretted cheating on my now-husband. And maybe you are tethered to someone who’s beneath you, who doesn’t want to better himself, who you’re better than. Well, then let him see all the cards on the table and figure out for himself if you’re worth staying with.

42

I apologize for my comments Frank.

They’re much more appropriate for this Pit thread.

43

You can’t really believe this, can you? Because it’s impossible for a sane, intelligent person in your situation to believe this.

44

Like many on the SDMB, the OP is clearly seeking validation and not advice. So I had a long post typed up of my personal experience with this, but then I realized that there’s no point. They want “approval” to cheat and have their cake and eat it too, and I don’t think they’re going to get it here unless they put a lot of people on Ignore. Using the children as an excuse is flimsy and self-serving - what are they going to think, really, when they find out that bumbling and clueless Dad was going along happily while Mom was doing the nasty behind his back? Kids grow up, and kids know how to find things out.

Show some maturity and either end the affair or come clean and end the marriage. Two paths to get to honor, pick one.

45

Seriously. I’m on record here as stating that I believe that *complete * honesty is not necessary, or even desirable in a relationship. But there’s a difference between not telling your SO every thought that enters your brain, and not telling him that you’re sleeping with someone else. One is maintaining some privacy. The other is lying and cheating. It’s not hard to tell the difference.

46

Divorce your husband. He deserves better than the lies and deceit you are subjecting him to.

47

Ferret Herder definitely nailed that first part. You don’t have to wash this guys brown streaks out of his undies. He probably won’t ever have to deal with your PMS, dental appointments or late payments on the truck.

What happens when on of your kids breaks an arm? It’s not like he’ll be there. Nor will he have to work out problems with teachers or help on homework. No fights that last for days because you can’t get away from each other. What if in reality, he’s a hypochondriac? A closet gambler? Has an addiction to one-armed, lesbian, monkey porn for every Friday night? What will his family think of you? What will yours think of him? You may end up out of a job someday and that could be his deal breaker.

There are SO many things that happen in daily life that’s different than the ‘perfect’ atmosphere of an illicit affair. That can all change with just one good glimpse of self-centeredness or any of the other bazillion things that you do, or he does, regularly, but haven’t seen thus far. Or never, until you’re truly together and then the realization sets in that this is no different than that. Except now you have someone who has proven his commitment to you.

48

I feel very sorry for your husband. He’s obviously had to put up with a lot. He supports you and your kids, he’s been a good husband (as you admit), and he’ remained faithful to you. You on the other hand have given him 1) sex twice a month (grudgingly) and 2) made him a cuckhold.

I suggest you read the book The Road Less Traveled. One of the things that is covered in this book is love, and the different stages of it. You are in the infatuation stage with your little boy-toy, but do you think it’s going to stay like that? Once you and him are divorced from your present spouses and together, do you think it will be all sweetness and light? Of course not; life interferes. He won’t clean the bathroom one day, and it will piss you off, his kids will be sullen and resentful around you (and yours around him), there will be the usual money issues that every couple has to face. In five years you will be where you are now, but with the knowledge that you’ve wrecked a bunch of lives.

You need to grow up and realize that life is not a fairy tale, and that while GOD (what is this Og shit?) wants you to be happy, this does not translate into “so therefore I can do whatever I want”. If you have a brainin your head you will 1) dump the boy-toy,2) start investing in your marriage instead of fairy tales, 3) get another shrink, because the one you have now is an idiot.

Finally, you need God in your life, and I’m serious about this. Not the new age, hippy god, that you seem to be following now, but the real God, who is compassionate and merciful, but also expects us to live by certain rules which are non-negociable. There is peace and happiness in living a good and faithful life, and you need to discover this, and do it soon.

49

Gee-zuz, who’s got a rope!
Well, I won’t be passing judgement, not w/ all the twists and turns my love life has taken in the past 50 or so years. As a matter of fact, I was once involved, as the “other” man, in a relationship very much like the one described by the OP, so I guess I’m eligible for the tar and feathers too.
I’ll only say this, the chances of an affair going undiscovered diminish over time, so if your going to continue you’d best be prepared for that eventuallity.

50

Self-deception, and self-will run riot.

Half measures will avail you nothing.

Substituting one mood-altering mechanism for another seldom works out.

You risk far, far more than the happiness of your spouse and children, you know. You risk that which is most important to you.

51

Eh, some people call it “passing judgement”, some call it “stating reality”. People make mistakes, and people do the wrong thing. It happens all the time. The trick is to *recognize * that you’ve behaved badly, and *fix * it, not exacerbate it. I’m not calling for tar and feathers. I’m calling for a tiny bit of self-awareness, and responsibility.

52

Gee, RSSchen, it sounds like you and your husband have the perfect marriage.

You have two people making you happy. Your husband has zero.

Mathematically, it averages out.

53

Well you’re wrong. Polygamy and mistresses are fine so long as there is full disclosure. If anything, a man making the same confession on here would be treated even more harshly.

Let me tell you about my childhood. When I was seven and my sister was five, my mom started an affair with Tim*. She was at a conference in another city and Tim was in the same hotel on business. We lived in L.A. and Tim lived in Denver with his wife and three kids who were ten, five and three and was in L.A. on business several times a year.

Now my Dad was a workaholic, an inattentive husband and a very difficult person. Tim’s wife was an alcoholic. Yes, they were in crappy marriages. Yes, they had excitement and extreme chemistry and thought that they had found true love. The affair went on for some number of months before they got caught. In the days before email, people used P.O. Boxes and wrote letters. Tim accidentally left a letter from Mom where it could be found and his wife found it. She freaked and called my Mom and at that moment the happy childhoods of five innocents was destroyed.

Tim and Mom decided to leave their spouses and get married and less than a year later my Dad was out and there was a stranger in my house. Tim’s kids lived a thousand miles away and only saw their Dad once or twice a year. Tim’s middle child was never right after that and was always troubled. He committed suicide at 30. I was miserable through my teens. My Dad went crazy for years and being with him was scary.

Over 30 years later, Mom is still married to Tim. Dad remarried and has been in his second marriage for 25 years or so. It’s been something like 35 years and I am still dealing with this shit. Dad still won’t talk to Mom or even be in the same room with her. Every family event has to take this into account. If it’s a my nephew’s birthday, Dad just won’t show. If it’s my college graduation, lunch with Dad first and dinner with Mom at the end. It sucks.

By the way, Mom and Tim’s marriage sucks too. It’s just a different kind of suck.

Stop the affair. End the marriage honestly. Then start to date.

*Certain details changed for anonymity

54

I can’t auto-validate the OP’s approach here any more than the others are auto-invalidating it, but here’s my dos centavos.

The bed in Hotel Monogamy is supplied by Procrustes himself. You will be stretched, stuffed, cut, and mangled but, by the gods, you will fit.

Or not. Becuase there’s divorce. All or nothing, baby!

The lady wanted a good fuck and went out and got it. I don’t see the big problema. I play chess with some of my friends, but not all, because they don’t all play. There are friends with whom I can profitably discuss music, and there are others with whom I discuss politics. No one has ever told me I can only have one friend to satisfy all my social needs.

But we tell–that is, lie–to ourselves in America that one member of the opposite sex can satisfy all of our love/sex/social couple/child-rearing needs, and of course it doesn’t work a lot of the time.

In Monogamy 1960, it was pretty much “suck it up” time if you were unhappy. Today it’s get counseling, whatever, and then, if that doesn’t work, go out and find your real soul mate. It’ll work this time!

My guess is that the OP doesn’t see divorce as solution because she and her husband are satisfying a lot of each other’s needs successfully. If that’s so, then why take an all-or-nothing approach to the relationship?

The suggestion that the husband be told so that he can get some himself is appropriate, but it doesn’t always work. The OP may have an advanced view of relationships, but the husband may be stuck in Blessed-by-Jesus-Monogamy mode.

It happens a lot. Needs stop meshing, but not completely, and the “cheater” is forced to lie to prevent an explosion. Now, I will agree that the deceit itself is not good at all, but the “cheater” is really between a rock and a hard place (no pun intended).

At the same time, I would like to emphasize to the OP that the following are also true (repetitions and augmentations):

  1. There’s risk, lots of risk. You could get knocked up, pass on a disease, etc.

  2. You will undoubtedly be discovered eventually. Your husband may play along or may not.

  3. Your new relationship wasn’t “meant to be.” It’s just that, a relationship, which will surely have its own disappointments eventually.

55

RSSchen,

If you are going to end neither the affair nor the marriage, and if you are unwilling to confess to your husband, then there is one thing that you must do, IMO. You have to at least tell your husband that you’re no longer interested in having sex, and that he has your blessing to (discreetly) seek out his pleasures elsewhere. This benefits both of you immediately, and may be a first step toward a long-term solution to your current predicament.

Question: why haven’t you done this already?
Second, I agree with the posters who have said that you seem to be vastly underestimating the liklihood that you’ll be found out. You’re describing your illicit affair on the freakin’ internet, without even the precaution of posting under a gimmick account. Maybe your husband really is too tech-phobic to find these posts, but he may eventually acquire the necessary skills (and your children certainly will, someday). Does anyone else know that you post to this message board? Do you only browse the SDMB when you’re alone in a room? It’s not at all inconceivable that someone in your life might get curious about what you have have to say in your e-life.

Even if you somehow plug this particular gap, the fact that you’d commit a mistake as huge as posting about your affair here (while insisting that your family will never find out) is evidence that you are not able to think objectively, carefully, and well – all at the same time – about this situation. Keep in mind that getting caught is a real possibility at any time, and that as the affair persists, the probability of getting caught gradually approaches 1.
SHAKES, black rabbit, Brandon, Justin_Bailey, conurepete, DianaG (to varying degrees): vitriolic name-calling may be “deserved,” but it is almost certainly counter-productive. It’s not righting a wrong or helpful to a solution for the OP’s situation – rather, the impression I get is that you’re angry with the OP (and it feels good to vent that anger), and her misdeeds give you an excuse to be impolite.

56

Bullshit. No one is forced to lie. Weak-minded people *tell * themselves that they’re *forced * to lie. In reality, they’re just cowards who don’t want to face the consequences of their completely voluntary actions.

57

To the OP: Can you tell us why you are disgusted by the thought of being touched by your husband? Can you tell us why you even married him in the first place if you think he is so much less intelligent than you? Can you tell us why you don’t just leave him so he can get on with his life too??

Also, do you expect you boyfriend to be satisfied with being “the other man” for the next 30 years? And how is he going to feel, knowing that you’re going home and having sex with someone else (albeit only twice a month)? That isn’t fair to him, either.

What you’re doing is wrong, mean, selfish, shitty, unethical, immoral, and just plain despicable.

58

Okay, so you think you have it covered so your husband won’t find out. Even though I think you’re being massively foolish (I’ve seen really dumb people find out about affairs; it doesn’t take a rocket scientist), I’ll take that as a given.

But what about this person you’re having an affair with? He said he’d loved you all these years (which sounds kind of odd to me that he hasn’t moved on in 30 years, but whatever). Is he going to be happy with your arrangement? Don’t you think he’ll want more: e.g. want to be with you during the holidays, introduce you to his family and friends, be seen with you in public, be part of your life and not just sneak around?

So what happens when he decides he’s no longer happy sneaking around? Either you break his heart (and do you want to do this to someone you’re supposedly so crazy about) or he takes action and tells your husband.

All that aside, I hate to bring it up but the worst case scenario isn’t your husband finding out. It’s your kids finding out. Do you think you can possibly cover your tracks well enough so that they don’t find out? Your husband may be clueless to the whole thing, but I doubt your kids will be.

59

If her husband agrees to be in an open relationship, Aeschines, so much the better. I have no problem at all with monogamy or polygamy per se, if all participant can agree that’s what they truly want (and if all participants are mature enough to make that decision freely and together). There really wasn’t a need for you to rant on and on about Eeeeeeevil Monogamy.

60

What he said!

I have no doubt that this board will have no shortage of people who validate your reprehensible behavior. But you are a a liar and a cheat, plain and simple.

The husband you desribe seems to be a good man and a good father. You do not deserve him.