Hence my asterisks around forced.
The logic of the situation does push people in that direction, which is what I meant.
This is excellent advice.
And I must ask, how would you feel if this were being done to you?
- This is not The BBQ Pit. Try to tailor your responses to this fact.
- If RSSchen doesn’t wish to respond to the criticisms posted in this thread, I’ll probably close it, since there’s already a Pit thread on the subject.
Yes. I’m not about to grab a rock and join the group that’s stoning you. Each of us has to do what they think they need to do in order to get through life.
But do find someone/somewhere else to discuss this if you want to keep it confidential.
If I were being cuckolded? Generally, awful. Specifically, I have no idea.
Or do you mean if my wife said she didn’t want sex but I could get some on the side? In that case, it would depend on a lot of things (availabilty of other partners, nature of my marriage, etc.). I’d probably be disappointed, but OTOH if my wife had clearly been hating sex for a long time it wouldn’t really be fun for me, either, so it might come as a huge relief. Hard to say.
I’m basically in agreement with you. The trouble with lifelong contracts, however, is that they last so long and it’s rare that both sides uphold the deal.
A friend told me the story of his mom and dad recently. At one point the mom just turned off the sex spigot and told the dad to find poon elsewhere. OK, it’s all out in the open, but the wife changed the deal and broke her oath as much as any cheater ever did. What if the husband has moral qualms about screwing other women? What if he still wants his wife, who’s refusing him?
Or how about a more common scenario: One spouse turns off the sex spigot (or reduces it to a drip) but still doesn’t want the other spouse to look for alternatives. Divorce! you say. Well, what if the turn-off-ee doesn’t want to get divorced with all the social and financial problems that entails?
This is what I mean by “rock and hard place” and forced. This shit’s complicated. Hell, I witnessed my own parents’ marriage, and was that ever complicated. Thinking you can judge the OP as easily as some think they can here is mistaken.
We have a stupid system which is about to be tipped into the dustbin of history.
What a comedian. Ever seen a man brag about fucking around and get cut an inch of slack on the Dope? Thought not.
No matter how many times you interject that into the conversation it’s still irrelevant to the situation right now, today, this minute. It would be inappropriate for me to go into a thread on relationships and say “all women are bitches.” Why do you think it’s right to go into a thread about an affair and whine about the institution of marriage? Start a thread somewhere, for goodness’ sake.
I diagree. Human beings aren’t really wired for 60 years of absolute monogamy. It’s unnatural and difficult, and that’s a relevant fact to the discussion.
(That said, I wouldn’t go so far as to call monogamy evil or stupid.)
Whoops! I’m so sorry Varlos. That latter part was directed at the OP, not you. I knew I forgot something. :o
How is it relevant? The OP is not in a position to abolish monogamy, nor is she in a position to overturn five centuries of religious tradition.
She asked for advice. If Aeschines had been interested in giving her advice, he could have said, “Why don’t you ask your husband if he’s into an open relationship? More and more couples have tried this and found it is right for them. Here is a link showing some of the dos and don’ts, and a few links to people in your area who can tell you more.”
That would have accomplished his personal goals of abolishing or demolishing the institution of marriage while also being helpful. But no, instead we got a rant about how evil marriage is. :rolleyes:
I can take the outrage. It’s honestly not a problem. I can take as well as I dish.
Being found out on the computer is a nonissues. Hubs lack of initiative makes it a moot point.
I met my friend this morning. I’m quite aware that these things fizzle out sometimes. I asked him if we felt the same way in three years would he marry me. He said of course. I WILL divorce my husband if in three years things are the same. I’m a SAHM, have no money. But dammit, I haven’t felt happier EVER in my life. I WANT TO BE HAPPY!
We have a perfectly fine system. A part of it is called no-fault divorce. You want out of the contract, get out of the contract completely or modify it with mutual consent.
If you want to be happy, why not divorce NOW?
Or put the affair on a three year hiatus, try to fix things with your husband and if things don’t get better, THEN divorce.
What you are doing now is completely selfish and destructive.
I feel sorry for your husband. He are using him and it’s not right.
I mentioned having had a five year and a thirty year affair. The thirty year thing was very much an on again off again thing; we were geographically separated by about 1500 miles during most of those years. Me managed to meet each other on business trips maybe twice a year; it wasn’t as if we saw each other every day or so. We were always good sexual partners and we did have a lot of affection for each other. We haven’t seen each other in at least fifteen years; I’m in Florida and she is somewhere else. We parted on good terms and we left the door between us open, just in case we should happen to meet again. I doubt we ever will.
The five year affair cost me everything; it cost me a 19 year marriage; it cost me an excellent job and, most importantly, it cost me the love and good opinion of my son. It cost me a lot of money, a nice house and 50% of my income for twelve years. It cost the man who was married to the Other Woman as much as it cost me. The Other Woman married another man she had been seeing, leaving his wife out in the cold. All in all, it didn’t work out well for anyone except her since the man she married was fairly wealthy.
I DO NOT advocate having affairs; they virtually never lead to anything other than grief and pain for all concerned. Please don’t use my long term affairs as a model for your life.
Right, but she is in the position of being judged (harshly) for failing a difficult test. It bears mentioning that the test is indeed hard, and that, in a perfect world, she might not be expected to take it at all.
You know nothing about proper, honest polygamy, judging by this post. Polygamy is fine as long as it is - before the deed is done - discussed honestly by partners and agreed upon honestly. It requires openness, communication, and trust. This is not that situation.
I wasn’t going to post until I read this. You want your husband to support you for three years while you screw another man? Who pays for the gas in your car to go meet Lover Boy? Indeed, who paid for the car?
I think you are putting the happiness of a lot of other people at risk to achieve your own happiness. If Lover Boy is willing to marry you (and that is very easy for him to say while you’re married and he’s getting laid) why not get a divorce and get married now? At least give the father of your children a chance to find happiness for himself and his children. As it is, you’re planning on just sailing along and then “wham” hitting him with a divorce in three years. This is not kind. This is not right.
You also need to think about the hard truth - Lover Boy may not want to marry you. An affair is fine - he doesn’t have to deal with rent or your sick kids and he gets happy nookie. He also knows that you cheat on your husband. He may not be willing to marry someone who he know from experience can’t be trusted.
Come clean with your husband and make your decisions from there. Divorce, discreet affairs for both of you, or being faithful and trying to make things work.
Excellent points.
To clarify, I don’t think monogamy and marriage are evil. I think a society-wide expectation that people be monogamous and stay married forever is extremely stupid and unrealistic. Just as it was stupid and unrealistic (and totally uninformed) to expect everyone out there to be heterosexual.
And there were no “good old days” when the system worked, either. People were miserable in their marriages. They also had affairs like crazy, or outright abandoned their families. Men went to whorehouses and had mistresses. Slave owners raped their slaves.
Trying to regulate sex and procreation socially and legally has always been a mess, but people used to try to fool themselves with religion and whatnot. Now the blinders are off and we are beginning to see ourselves for what we are: Primates who tend to embrace–but not fully–long-term, ritualized pairing. We need to build a system that takes into consideration the “not fully.”
To the OP: Don’t stay with your husband for the sake of the kids, because you aren’t doing them any favors.
Are you not divorcing because you are a SAHM? That makes it sound like you are just staying with your husband for the $$$. That’s a terrible reason. Get divorced ASAP. A lot of people do it and successfully negotiate custody between the two parents. Then get a job and support yourself. Then and only then, go ahead and marry your boyfriend. The way you’re doing it now, you are using your husband in a most selfish way. I wish you could see that, or imagine how you’d feel if a person you were supporting and who you loved was only staying with you because he didn’t want to support himself.