I had a friend, let’s call him DW. We were friends since freshman year of college (around 1998). At times, we were each other’s only friends in real life. He, however, moved up: got a good job, moved to the city, expanded his social circle. He and I would meet often, but certainly not as often as before (at one time as often as every day) due to my crazy work schedule, his work schedule, distance, and, for a period of time, my being married.
The last time we did anything was the first week of last December. I decided to not call, IM, or email him and wait and see how long until he contacts me: I was a bit sick of always initiating our social plans. So, since then there’s been no contact (except for one time when he was very drunk and he IM’d me, which I am inclined to dismiss).
My question is: should I contact him? I understand that surely he may have outgrown his need for me, and that because of his changing circumstances I may not fit in his social life, but I don’t think that necessarily means we can’t do anything now and then. I also fear maybe he’s never contacted me because of some misunderstanding between us or something. On the one hand, if I truly have no significance to him, I don’t want to be begging for his attention. On the other hand, if there was some misunderstanding or something I don’t want to have lost a good friend.
As you get older, those friends from your past can mean even more to you. Especially if there weren’t many of them. You don’t want them to fade away if you can help it. If you are able to stay friends, the times you spend with a good friend from the past is a reminder of who you were back then. That is something you can’t get with anyone else. It becomes very special.
It could be he is going through a very different time of life than you are. You may need to be the steady one now, the who reaches out, because he can’t right now. You mentioned you are married, and I am guessing he is not. Being single is rough, he may think you are having a much easier time than he is, that you can’t relate. That might be an unconscious reason he doesn’t call you first.
You might call him and say something like, “I haven’t heard from you, hope everything is ok. I almost didn’t make this call because the last few times you haven’t responded. I don’t want to be a pest, so if I don’t hear from you soon, I won’t call again, but I would sure love to see you.”
From my own experience, I was the one who didn’t call others for a while. I was just going through some rough times. But I really appreciated the ones who just kept trying. In time I was able to call. I am so glad I have those friends now, that things are better. I really appreciate the ones who didn’t just write me off. Some did, it is my fault, but I miss them now. But the ones that kept trying are still friends today, I and cherish my time with them.
On the other hand, I’d beware of people who constantly expect you to initiate. I don’t know if it’s a laziness thing or what, but it can get draining and trying after a while. You have to wonder how much someone really values your company if you’re the person who always has to arrange the social occasion. If you really like them, maybe it’s worth it, at least once in a while.
If he initiated as much as you did in the past but doesn’t now, I’d wonder why that was. You can try initiating and asking him about it, I suppose. His response (or lack thereof) may give you some info.
If he never has been much of an initiator, or you guys always did stuff on a proximity basis (you might go out to dinner after a class together, or something), your disparate location and duties now may be the reasons you’re not seeing each other. In other words, he could always have been a bit of a lazy sod, and you just never noticed it before. Decide how much his company is worth to you, try to initiate as much as that, and see what happens. If he consistently turns you down or, occasion planned, blows it off somehow, I’d say you should just let him go for a while. You can always try again in a few months, etc., or perhaps he will when he gets to a different place in his life.
Generally speaking, just because someone hasn’t contacted you doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t enjoy your company. Some folks just aren’t naturally inclined to initiate personal gatherings and we shouldn’t read too much into that. You know him best but I’d hate to see you lose a friend over a misinterpretation. As suggested above, get together and, knowing him like you do, you’ll get a feel pretty quick as the whether anything’s amiss.
I took ya’ll’s advice and emailed him. He emailed back very swiftly, which is extremely rare (often one would email him and he would never email back), so his emailing back, in such short amount of time, to me has significance.
He said that he meant to contact me but that he kept putting it off. He said he felt like a bad friend.
So, looks like it was just a matter of him being his lazy self. From when I’ve been at his place, I’ve noticed with regards to IM that he rarely IM’d anyone firsthand: he waited for others’ IMs.
So, this is a good sign, I think. We’ll get together sometime and see what happens.
Thank y’all!
WRS - very happy; don’t want to lose a good friend.
I’m glad you did it, too. There’s no harm in making one call/email/etc to test the waters. If they don’t want to hang out, you’ll know by their lack of (or lackluster) response.
I’m glad things turned out ok. Its painful to realize that you are slowly ending up alone. It is even more painful realizing that the only thing stopping you from hanging out with your friends is a small amount of pride and a screwy situation.
We’ve been in contact a bit more over the past few days, and we have plans to get together during the upcoming week. Things are looking up.
I’m glad we were able to get in touch before we truly lost each other. Losing friends is bad, especially when one has so few. Having some sort of friendly relationship is far better than none at all.
As it is said, “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”
Thanks again, y’all, for your input! Y’all saved a friendship.
Decide how much his company is worth to you, try to initiate as much as that, and see what happens. If he consistently turns you down or, occasion planned, blows it off somehow, I’d say you should just let him go for a while. You can always try again in a few months, etc., or perhaps he will when he gets to a different place in his life.
There is not good payoff for this game.