Agammemnon, you Naughty, Filthy Little Boy!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Over here, xizor made me hurt myself trying to stop from laughing too hard in the middle of work. All I had was an image in my head of two young Roman lads, hanging around the Forum: “So I was strangling Tiberius last night, and I’m tellin’ ya Drusus, at the end, it shot right over my shoulder!”

Then I figured that we’ve got so many euphemisms for “self-abuse” around today, what would they have used at various points in history?

Neandertal mothers would be scandalized to catch their little boys:

"Clubbing the Mastadon", or
"Chippin’ the Flint Tool

Young men in 1930’s Germany would look at pictures of young mädchens while:

"Saluting Der Fuhrer!"

I thought of a few others, but they weren’t as good (IMHO), so…anyone else? What would they have used while Napoleon was in power? What code words would randy kids have uttered in Reformation England? I want historical euphemisms for chokin’ the chicken and I think the world needs this!!! Help me out, folks.

2

Not historical but…

Violin teachers would probably be horrified to find that their little prodigies pluck the fiddle.

I guess in Reformation England, boys would beat the Bishop. (thanks, George Carlin)

Do little Arab boys shave the sheik?

I guess Archimedes’ son primed the pump.

3

or “resined up the bow”.

And don’t bother young Beethoven right now, he’s “finishing the symphony”.
Hehehe, clubbing the mastadon.

4

Ancient Vikings would “row the longboat.”
Pirates would “step the mast.”

5

Young Andrew Jackson beat on the red man.

6

No, a pirate would “shiver me timber”.
A blacksmith would “hammer the hot iron”.
A farmer would “milk the bull”.
A town crier would “wring out the glad tidings”.
An archer would “clean the quiver”.
A leper would “slough off”.
A King would “polish the jewels”.
A lord would “pound the serf”.

I think I’ll stop now. I have to “fire off my post”.

7

This one gives a new meaning to Spike Jones’ line (in one of his memorable songs):

‘… and it’s Heil! Heil! Right in Der Fuhrer’s face!..’

:smiley:

8

Or, better yet, the sceptre. :smiley:

9

Beauty.

Young men from Charlemagne’s time might get their rocks off by "Goin’ on Crusade,"

Egyptian lads would be "Wrapping the Mummy,"

Hannibal’s soldiers would spend their lonely nights "Taming the Elephant"