Ah....Pennsylvania law enforcement

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, the following is a guesstimated transcript of a trial that I witnessed recently. The quotes ain’t exact, but are true to the nature of what was said. The trial was for a man charged with drunk driving, and the police officer who did the arresting is testifying. This part is the cross-examination. I’ll let the rest explain itself.

Defense Lawyer: Officer, why did you arrest this man for Driving Under the Influece?

Officer: Because when I pulled him over for speeding, and gave him three sobriety tests, he failed all three.

DL: What was the first test that you administered?

O: A test where the suspect must count backwards from ten, (10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1).

DL: And what did the defendant do?

O: He counted 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

DL: And you failed him?

O: Yes, because he had failed to follow instructions.

DL: Alright. What was the second test?

O: The suspect had to stand on one foot and touched his nose with the index finger of one hand.

DL: And what did the defendant do?

O: He stood on one foot and touched his nose with the index finger of both hands.

DL: And you failed him?

O: Yes, because he had failed to follow instructions.

DL: <sigh> And what was the last test you administered?

O: The suspect had to walk a straight line.

DL: And was he able to walk the line?

O: No, he was not.

DL: Did you notice anything…different, about the defendant?

O: No, sir.

DL: Would the defendant please stand up?

(The defendant stands, and it is obvious that he has a wooden leg, beginning mid-thigh).

DL: I rest my case.

And there you have it. PA cops, watchful as ever. Needless to say, the judge threw the case out.

2

I lived in central PA for 3 years, I swear for awhile I was wondering if PA even had cops. (The town I lived in only had one, most areas rely on the state police force.) I drove I-80 alot, and while I passed a few here and there, it was rare, and when I did pass them, you can be sure I was doing at least 80 mph, but was never pulled over.

3

I grew up in central PA, and I know that there are cops. But you have to know where to find them. The most notorious set is in Port Matilda (12 miles drive outside of State College), where a relative was pulled over for, get this, having her car windows tinted too darkly. Never do anything even remotely illegal in Port Matilda.

State College itself is another cop town. A friend of mine used to average 100 all up and down I-80, then was pulled over for doing 35 in a 30 mph zone in State College. I myself was fined $5 for the heinous crime of riding my bicycle on the sidewalk, though admittedly that was the Penn State campus cops, not known for their leniency.

Anyhow, everyone in central PA knows that, in an emergency, cops may be found at the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts.