All fear my knowledge of the black arts(geek rant)

All must fear me or I will employ the rule based optimizer to steal your souls!!

With my knowledge of the expect script and crontab all your first born will be sacrificed!!

Darkness will decend upon the Earth as I set up automated monitors!!


Or so I should assume as I was told today that my work uses “arcane and non-trustworthy methods”.
I got job as a computer contracter a few months ago. The job used to be held by 6 employees, but after rumors of outsourcing the entire crew jumped ship, and three of us contractors took over until the change over. Known as me, the good computer guy and the moron. Me and the good cumputer guy(gcg) realized that with three taking over the job of six changes had to be made. The guy who ran reports all day? Well I figured with an obvious combination of SQL scripts, crontab and, expect could be automated and take no effort from a meatbag. The chick who constantly ran admin level updates on the databases that hadn’t been updated within the SLA? Well a bit of query tuning and it didn’t happen anymore. And the 30 hours of week each week responding to tickets about hung interface processes? Well a couple automated daemon processes checking conectivity and killing and bouncing the processes on failure took care of that issue before the lusers even noticed.

Yep this job can easily be done by three people with a couple competant geeks(and the moron) running things, once the assinine crap gets eliminated.

But wait! the idiot outsources can’t figure it out. Expect is beyond their grasp. And they were only crammed with SQL based on the cost based optomizer, so my powerful rules calling on the power of hints are unaccptable. Even though your cheep asses havn’t upgraded past Oracle 7 so rule based is the only way to go. It doesn’t fit into your plans.

The communique that we were set up to fail, so the outsourcing effort looked good, was lost in the mail I guess . We actually fixed your systems so they worked efficiently, well yes I guess that makes you look stupid for showing such loyatly to the imbiciles who proved that it required 6 people to do it, because you suported a bunch of either shitty workers or sandbagers for so long, although I guess the golf matches and boat trips proved their worth so much more than being able to do their jobs ever could.

So yes I will spend the last month of my contract dumbing things down so your outsourcees can figure them out, even though I explained to you the inexplicable metrics gains of our tenure will be lost.

My “arcane and non trustworthy” knowledge, that only has the pathetic quality of working perfectly, will be obliterated as I probably end up being a pump jockey or bouncer again, thanks to the shitty computer economy you and your kind caused with monumentally assy decisions, may you burn in the hell of your own making.

I feel for you. Nothing like doing a good job, then finding out that your boss secretly wanted a bad one.


Rest assured that your efficiency recommendations will be read by those in authority over optimization of the work flow business process model. Please submit forms I-493, P-25-C1, 229/PG as specified in document QQ9-A2 so that your comments can be properly tracked by the Work Flow Business Process Model Oversight Board and the Work Flow Business Process Model Oversight Board And Flat Items Requisitions Oversight Board Oversight Subcommittee.

A little email outlining your improvements and their cost savings, along with an “Alas! It all dies in a month!” sent to the president might provide some entertainment. It wouldn’t stand in the way of a career shift into bouncing.

I can’t say if you are using “dark arts” or not, but good lord, you’re certainly speaking in tounges!

When next come, bring l337.

rpinrd, fushj00mang: Quiet, heathens. I’m not a database geek and I still understood that just fine, but you don’t need to grasp the technical details to understand the rant. He could be a long-haul trucker or a window washer and have the same crap happen to him.

Now, wolfman, do your future career options include big rigs or squeegees?

Just what I would expect one versed in the ways of the dark arts to say. . .

Derleth’s a witch!!!

Warlock, if you please. And if you aren’t nice to me, I’ll mknod a fifo and pipe you into /dev/null! Mua-ha-ha!