I tend to be quite picky about what movies I watch so I rarely see really bad films.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Phantom Menace are among the worst I have seen.
I’ve sat through some pretty bad movies. Ishtar? Boring but not particularly painful. Mac and Me? I thought it was a 90 minute commercial, but sat through it anyway. I’ve watched Slithis, Santa Claus conquers the Martians, Zardoz, Cool World, lots of others. But there have been precisely two movies that I have walked out of the theater from:
The Shape of Things to Come. Here I thought it would be a remake of the famous 1930s SF classic. Instead, I get what looks like a kiddie matinee starrting Jack Palance.
and Winds of Change, an animated feature narrated by Peter Ustinov. I think I lasted through the first of the five segments before being totally alienated by it’s weird symbolism and artistic pretentiousness.
Dishonorable Mention: On TV once I caught the last half of - well technically I guess you’d have to call it a horror movie. It featured a little girl in what looked like the 1920s rural South fleeing from zombies and witches through a series of haunted houses and ghost towns. In the end, they catch her and she joins the ranks of the undead. Maybe the weirdest thing I’ve ever layed eyes on. Anyone know what the hell that was?
This has got to be one of the best movie titles out there.
Another terrible movie: Feeders 2. This abomination is a sci-fi movie featuring aliens invading the Earth on Christmas. The funny thing is, the first Feeders has the aliens destroy the Earth, and kill all the main characters. In Feeders 2, not only is the Earth distinctly NOT destroyed, but two of the characters who died in the first Feeders are back. The aliens are easily the dumbest, cheapest, and most juvenile looking things out there. Just picture a baseball painted dark green, then two gobs of red paint are put on it for eyes, then glitter is put on it. The aliens don’t really move, they just bob up and down. Then there’s the fact that the people who die are shown with no introduction or development whatsoever, and are killed off just as suddenly. Finally, the aliens attack, get ready, Santa Claus. Yes, Santa Claus. They jump out of their spaceship and attack him and his elf. The sleigh crashes, and Santa yells “I’LL GET YOU, YOU CHRISTMAS SABOTEURS!” This is the stuff classics are made of. Another poster on here put it very well when he said “Just picture Signs, only with one thousanth of one percent the budget.”
So much crap… so little time.
Here are some of my prime hates:
Showgirls - almost so bad it’s good… but not quite.
Moulin Rouge - when they sang that gawdawful Elton John song for the millionth time (about 15 minutes into the movie), I turned off the video and went to see if I could get a refund.
Bad News Bears Go to Japan - a sad end to a good franchise.
Forest Gump - was it just me, or did every scene last the exact length of a classic rock song?
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band - self indulgent, pointless twaddle.
Can’t Stop the Music - disco died for a damn good reason.
Blues Brothers 2000 - I watched about 10 minutes of it, mostly because I loved the original. I hate Fat Dan Ackroyd.
and one I haven’t seen because I know that I will hate it with a passion, and find it to be sacrilege…
Rollerball - the remake. I saw the trailer… that was enough.
Sounds vaguely reminiscent of Canrival of Souls, although I know it isn’t.
I have seen so many shitty films on TV and video, and all I can think of right now is Lair of the White Worm. This was one of the shitty movies my friends & I used to rent to laugh at around 1990. A very young Hugh Grant in some low-budget film about dragons/worms that come every couple hundred years demanding a virgin sacrifice & vampires in Scotland. They use a horse skull for a dragon fossil. Throughout the movie they use every architectural decorative piece that features a snake or worm in the whole country.
OOhhhh Lair of the White Worm. You know there are some people out there who consider Ken Russell a good filmmaker. My favorite of his is Whore. It is intended to be a tough expose on the life of a streetwalker. So over the top ridiculous words fail me.
The thing about his movies though is they are never boring. I would like to put them on my list of bad movies, but strangely I will always watch them when they are on.
And just for you ‘Hooray for S-a-n-t-e-e C-l-a-u-s-e’
For me there are three types of “bad” movie. One is MST3K “bad,” where you and the gang can get together, throw back a few cold ones, and mock. Next is eye candy “bad,” where you and the gang can get together, throw back a few cold ones, and drool. These two might actually come together such as the MST3Ked “The Horrors of Spider Island.”
The final type is just plain awful. This is a movie that sucks all joy out of your life for the amount of time it is on. This type of movie could be used in liu of dementors at Azkaban with similar if not quicker, effects. Blue Crush is one of these movies.
My pals and I really wanted this to be an “eye candy” film, but no. At some point around minute 22 the hot chick with a nice rack line crossed the pain line on the bar graph of my mind. Let us never speak of this film again.
Anybody who thinks Battlefield Earth is a the worst movie hasn’t seen very many movies. It’s at least as bad as five hundred other action/adventure/sci-fi movies out there. But the thing is that those other movies don’t have fairly good special effects to at least make them enjoyable at a brainless level.
I know I’ll get flack for this, but here are some movies that I despised with every inch of my being while I was watching them:
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Pink Flamingos. Disgusting and creepy, this didn’t make me laugh once. I think it was meant to “shock the squares,” but I can’t think of anything redeeming about it. John Waters has done tamer stuff since, that I have actually liked, but this was awful.
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The Doom Generation. Some director’s pretentious wank-fest, nihilistic and perverted and completely useless. Rose McGowan is gorgeous and naked in it, but that wasn’t enough to counter-balance the talking severed head, the dog hit by a car, or the neo-Nazi jocks who cut the guy’s wang off.
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Happiness. Do you get the feeling I don’t like movies where there aren’t any likeable characters? Well here’s another one. The same director made Welcome To the Dollhouse, which is probably in my Top Twenty Worst. Depressing and disturbing and full of degenerates, the both of them.
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Your Friends and Neighbors. Asshole yuppies cheating on each other, and a long, drawn-out monologue by Jason Patric about he and his jock friends gang-raped this guy they used to pick on in high school. The movie feels very claustrophobic as well, because everything takes place indoors.
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Dazed and Confused. A lot of people like this one, but it puts me in a foul mood every time I see it. Everything bad about high school is here: the cliques, the bullying, the drug use, the pecking order, the good-looking people having sex. This is someone’s very romanticized idea of high school, and my idea of hell (watching it, that is).
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Van Wilder. I avoid the current wave of trashy teen sex comedies, but I was a captive audience for this one. I’m sure there’s not an original idea in this whole movie, and it takes “pandering to the lowest common denominator” to a whole new level.
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Spaced Invaders. Some PG movie about stupid aliens coming to a stupid small town. I can’t believe I saw this in the theater. Even when I was a little kid I thought it was garbage.
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Kung Pow. I love martial arts movies, and as a genre, they are ripe for parodying. This guy Steve Oedekirk completely missed the boat, casting himself in the lead role and filling the whole thing with bad vocal dubs (all by him–and I mean bad-bad, not so-bad-they’re-funny) and gags that fail. This is the same guy who makes all those movie parodies starring his THUMB, with little faces superimposed over the thumbs. And worst of all, there’s some of that crap in Kung Pow!
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Hook. I saw this with my family when it came out, and it was so bad, I wanted to walk out. But I was too young to go anywhere by myself, and everyone else seemed to be enjoying it, and I would have gotten in trouble for being rude. But I couldn’t stand it.
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Dreamcatcher. This was like a bad episode of South Park, complete with a ridiculous alien invasion, Morgan Freeman as a crazed black-ops military leader, heroic childhood friends who got super powers from a retarded kid who was really a friendly alien, and monsters that crawled in and out of people’s asses and looked like giant pieces of crap with sharp teeth.
Posted by Zenster:
Posted by Zenster:
No! not the worst movie ever! the best movie ever!
as goes the same for all, cheesy lame teenager “Bill and Ted” type movies, we cannot dis own theses movies people! We must make them a part of us, they are the ideal on which this country is based!
::End Hijack::
I read an article that said the ape/machine outdid the human actors. Since then I have enjoyed reading reviews. Being so bad turned it from a horror into a comedy and I loved it. The book is bad. It sounds like a string of quotations from newspapers. An ape being crucial in a human arms-race. Speaking gorillas. Right, we’ve overlooked a collection of Sasquatches. It was fun to read about media events that didn’t happen, and mixing Amy with apes like Vicky and Koko, who were real.
Second the modern musical Pirates of Penzence.
Remake of Escape to Witch Mountain. Remade into something pretentious. You don’t root for the kids - they don’t seem as vulnerable, innocent or sweet. The kids’ “powers” are displayed with special effects – purple light – and they added some dipshit about TWINS. Tia can talk out loud.
Absolutely. I fell asleep during this piece of horseshit. I got my rental for free because I was working for movielink at the time, but I wanted my 2 hours back.
Dark City. More like Dark Shitty!!! I have no idea how this film was made.
One of the very worst is…
Well, bear in mind that bad comedies are painful in a way that bad movies in other genres can never be. A bad romance, a bad horror flick, a bad drama, or a bad Western can all be fun in an “MST3K” way. But a bad comedy is different. A bad joke just sits there on the screen, lifelessly. A series of bad jokes just sucks the life and humanity right out of you.
Comedies just don’t get worse than “Mr. Mike’s Mondo Video” from former SNL writer Michael O’Donoghue.
Because it’s a damn good film, harmed only by the stupid bloody opening exposition that gives away every surprise in the movie.
To anyone who hasn’t seen it and plans to - FF the video/DVD to the point where a man wakes up in the bath.
That stupid Corky Romano movie with Chris Kattan.
I mean, sure, there must be worse movies, but I sure haven’t seen them!