Curious about other doper opinions. Here’s what happened:
My son is 15 years old. He completed his entire freshman year of high school virtually but will be in person next year. So, I figured, what better way to get introduced to some other kids than taking a low-pressure introductory baseball clinic for sophmores and up? Cool.
So we drive up to the clinic, only to find a group of about 20 sophmore and up boys. Great. The problem? Every single one of them is in their high school baseball uniform except two, who are wearing uniforms from whatever club team they’d been on previously. Keep in mind, I should’ve emailed in advance to ask what was required, but I generally don’t even think about doing so in situations where the event is introductory, since that implies no one knows what they’re doing.
My son, who was sitting next to me in the car in a pair of shorts with no baseball cap, refuses to get out of the car. He’s too embarrassed to ask the coach if he can even participate in the camp because it is clearly not a beginner camp as advertised, but a camp for very serious players.
There was no way in hell I was going to be able to get him out of the car. I don’t really blame him - this is his first in-person high school event and if I were in the same situation, I wouldn’t want to go, either. So we drove home. I’ve emailed the coach a polite, “Ummm, did I misread the intent of the camp or perchance go to the wrong place?” and am awaiting a response. In the meantime, my husband feels I should’ve forced our son to attend, that it would’ve been a great learning opportunity. Normally if it were just a case of nerves, sure - I’d have him go regardless. But it was so very, painfully clear that he was completely unprepared.
Anywho, dopers, do you ever give your kids a get out of jail free card in situations like this?
Forcing a kid to go into an embarrassing situation against his will, as your husband suggests, is likely to only backfire and generate resentment and lack of trust.
In this case, maybe you could leave him in the car and you go first speak to the coach yourself, to see if maybe yes, it is indeed a misread-the-intent-of-the-camp situation.
Not a parent, but a former child whose father was always on the pro-humiliation side of the argument and won because he would back it up with violence until he did.
It’s been 30 years and while I don’t live in constant mortification - it wasn’t character building, it wasn’t good for me in the long run, other people did remember all the rest of the way through high school and made fun of me - and while they may have forgotten by now, I most certainly haven’t and still remember how awful it felt. I don’t appreciate it. I was never glad I did (long list of things) or was forced to do (long list of things).
If anything, it made me much more hesitant to “just try things” in the long run because I didn’t want to be in that place again.
Forcing him to go in would not have been a great learning opportunity , and I would not call allowing him not to go “a get out of jail free card”. Going to the clinic, whether you misunderstood the purpose or not, was not meant to be punishment. It’s not like he joined a team and wanted to quit a few weeks later. He decided not to participate at all, and no one was depending on him.
My guess is that if there were high-school players in uniform and it was open to sophomores and up , it was not an “introduction to organized baseball clinic”. It may have been an “introduction to high school baseball” clinic or a try-out that they were calling a clinic for some reason
You situation sounds like something my sister is probably still mad at me about 20 years later. I was at my mother’s house picking up my kids, and my sister mentioned that she had to go buy my then 14 year old nephew a baseball glove because try-outs for the high school team were the next day. I mention something to my nephew to the effect that I didn’t realize he still played baseball. He said he hadn’t played since he was eight and said " I’m going to embarrass myself, aren’t I? " Although I tried not to discourage him I told him truthfully that most of the others who would be trying out had played organized baseball continuously since they were six or seven. He decided not to try out and my sister was mad at me for discouraging him. My sister had no experience with competitive sports- her only experience was with “everybody plays” leagues like Little League and she truly didn’t realize that trying out for a high school team when you haven’t picked up a ball or a bat in six years isn’t going to go well. The main reason I knew is because my son is the kid who picked up a glove when he was seven and played baseball every moment he could from then on - and I knew my nephew would be trying out against kids like my son. I hope that your husband has no experience with competitive sports , like my sister didn’t , because in that case, perhaps he really didn’t realize that it was likely to be humiliating.
PS while my sister may still be mad all these years later, my nephew thanked me after seeing the team play.
I would NOT have forced my kids into a situation like that and I’m glad you didn’t. At best, he would have been embarrassed and out of place. At worst, depending on how jerky the other kids and coach were, it would have been a nightmare.
That’s a good idea, I wonder if there was any chance that there could have been more than one activity scheduled and you saw kids that were there for a higher level clinic?
But assuming the OP read the situation correctly, I agree with her course of action.
If the embarrassing moment in question was of the child’s own making due to questionable behavior, I wouldn’t intervene. In a case like this, however, I’d definitely help out!
To add to the above, I’m not sure what your husband thought would be a “great learning opportunity” at all about this. Did he think “I am not good enough, and already know it, and playing against these kids will only confirm it” will imprint a valuable lesson? Your son already knew that, so what more was there to learn?
Maybe who these guys are and to make some friends in person prior to sitting in class with them. Maybe how to do something you’re not an expert in in front of people. Hell, maybe how to play baseball.
I would have had my kid go. You’ll never be the best at anything so you might as well figure out how to be mediocre in public at some point. I never touched any of my high school sports until high school competing against people who are better that you is one of the best ways to improve your skills.
I’m not sure where he was going with that, honestly. My husband isn’t from the U.S., so I have to wonder if a little bit of it is cultural and not realizing that some of the kids on these teams have probably been in select club leagues for five or six years already. He probably views it as a cop out but I don’t believe he’s ever sat through a high school basketball game, for example.
Also, on talking to the coach (finally heard from him), he probably would not have been allowed to play today anyway. Not only did he not have a uniform, he had no baseball pants that fit or baseball cap (neither of which were not specified as requirements in the flier, but which are, in fact, requirements apparently), so unless he was actually in the know somehow, there was really no way he was going to play.
Just one more voice saying that you were right to let him bow out on this one. There might be times when “suck it up” is a worthwhile lesson but this wasn’t one of them and I don’t see where much benefit would have come out of it.
Valid point, but there’s a difference between “situation where you’re likely to fail” and “situation where you’re set up for failure from the get-go.” The first situation might be character-building, anyway, but the second all but guarantees humiliation – and this seems like a perfect example of the second type.
There’s a big difference between being the worst and least experienced one but still in the same league and having virtually no experience and going against experts. The kid wouldn’t have been mediocre, he would have been embarrassingly bad.
And it’s fine to learn to cope with embarrassment at an early age. I think it’s an important life skill to have and to really learn not to give a shit what anyone else thinks and be comfortable in your shoes and not be embarrassed or ashamed even if you put on a terrible performance.