Overly-sensitive bears: Trails will remain open, but be mindful of the bears’ feelings and attend their open-mike poetry readings.
Pepperwinkle Bears: trails are open, 'cause Pepperwinkle Bears are well-trained. They only go after MAGA hats or QAnon logos.
Quantum bears. You can never tell exactly what they’re going to do next, unless they get all entangled in the underbrush. Really hard to know when to re-open the trail with these guys.
Random bears: Trail closed for random.randint(1,7) days.
Sissy Bears: trails are open; if one gets too fresh, just bop 'im on the nose and he’ll run away crying.
Torquemada bears: I don’t expect the trials will be closed, but then, nobody expects the trails to be closed!
Ubiquitous bears: Close the trails, they’re everywhere!
Vulcan Bears: Don’t need to close the trails. They’re to logical to attack people.
WASP bears: Trails will remain open; bears are at the country club or on a yacht.
Xenografting bears: trail is closed for a month while bears are experimenting with zebra skin.
Yinzer bears. Advisable to have terrible towel or Penguins jersey and carry an array of Iron City beers. Otherwise avoid, you’ll be talked to relentlessly.
Zaftig Bears: trails are open; the bears are full anyway, and more interested in mating than harassing humans.
Armed bears: The trail will be closed while we explain what “the
right to bear arms” really means.
Bare bears: trail open, but clothing optional.
Caterwauling bears: Trails will remain open; hikers are advised to wear ear protectors.
Dixie Bears: trails closed; the bears will rise again.
Elastic bears: The trail is closed until they spring back into the woods.
Folksy bears: Trails are open, y’all welcome to sit a spell.
Glaucomic bears.
All those sweets and HFCS they have been pinching have caught up with them.
Trails remain open because while the bear are still out there in numbers, they can’t see nuffink.
Hungover bears: Trails are open, but tread lightly. If approached, offer them a cup of coffee, or hair of the dog.