Inebriated bears: haven’t reached the hung-over phase yet. Don’t let them see your six-pack!
Jeffersonian bears: “Whenever the people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them to rights.” In other words, trail-users can decide to hike or not. Issue warnings about any active bear presence and leave it up to the hikers themselves to determine their own comfortable level of risk-aversion.
Kleptomaniac bears: The trail will remain open, but you are advised to safeguard wallets, purses, cellphones, and pic-a-nic baskets.
-“BB”-
Lagomorphic bears: Trails will remain open while bears will be hopping about.
Microscopic bears: Trails are closed until staff can be sure they’ve rounded up all the bears, to ensure hikers won’t unknowingly step on any of them.
Necrophilic bears.
Trails are closed.
If you think being killed to be eaten is a problem, you ain’t heard the half of it.
Oblivious bears: Trails are closed until bears understand why they’re there.
P-Bears: Trail closed pending arrival of the mothership.
Q-Anon bears: Do not let the deep state close the trail!
Republican bears: Trails are open; all are welcome as long as they pledge to uphold conservative Republican values (whatever they may be). And don’t mind the QAnon bears here, they’re mostly harmless unless something sets them off, and then we don’t know them.
Schrödinger bears: are there bears on the trail or not? We won’t know until we open the trail.
Ninjaed. I’d been holding the Schrodinger bears in my pocket, then I go eat dinner and maybe my pocket is empty or the bear is dead/alive something.
Thread bears. Let them have a little privacy until they get some decent clothes.
Uxorious bears.
Who loves ya Baby? Trail is open.
Vamping bears: Trails are open during daylight hours, but no bears are around. Trails are closed at dusk, because no one knows what they do in the shadows.
Woolly bears – Trail will remain open but watch your step … woolly bears are actually harmless caterpillars, and you don’t want to crush them.
-“BB”-
Xantis-yak-eating bears: Close trail until the bears finish eating the xantis yak. Use the time to find out how the xantis yak got into these woods in the first place.
Yakety Sax bears - Trails are open, but hikers who don’t appreciate lowbrow humor are advised not to hike until the bears find something else to amuse themselves with. Usually one or two days.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah bears: Trails are closed while we decide if the bears are being racist or just enjoying life.
Amazing Dancing Bears - trails open as long as Simon Smith is in attendance.