Alright you fucking assholes, how do I fix this Windows problem?

The BBQ Pit
1

This is really a GQ question, but it’s also addressed to the Gates-worshipping assholes from this thread, and there’s no fucking way I can post within board guidelines about this type of Windows problem ANYWHERE except The Pit, so here goes…

I play Doom2 a lot, and recently I’ve played this extremely hard level (Hell Revealed map 26, in case any hard-core Doomers are reading this) and at one specific point in the level, the MS-DOS window I’m playing the game in will suddenly minimize. At first I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but a little experimentation showed it was the key combination Ctrl-Space that was causing it. (Which is a rare combination in the game, but at this particular point was absolutely necessary for survival.) Ok, fair enough, I know how to fix it. I choose “Properties” on the window and look for the shortcut keys to exclude. Hmm, I see Alt-Tab, Alt-Space (already checked off, I had this problem before), Alt-Esc, Ctrl-Esc, and a few dumb ones like Alt-PrtScr – but NO CTRL-SPACE!!! I think, maybe the computer’s confusing it for one of those commands, so I took each out one by one, and all it did was exclude those particular key combinations. (Good thing I didn’t exclude them all, eh? Naah, I’m not that fucking stupid…)

Ok, so I’m fucking steamed now. I’m not so much concerned about how to fix the problem as I am wondering, WHERE THE FUCK IS CTRL-SPACE??!!?? Why doesn’t this Gates-blowing menu have that as an option?? Am I to assume, that the computer just wants to associate Ctrl-Space with Minimize, and fuck me if I can’t play my game??? Oh, and I’ve played this level before, and don’t remember any problems like this, and the only thing that’s changed since then is this stupid new keyboard with the “Annoying Shortcut Key” between Ctrl & Alt that brings up the Start Menu and that I’ve taken months to learn to work around (and no, I am NOT hitting that key by accident!!!) I might have upgraded to Win98 since then, maybe. I don’t remember.

All right, lemme have it, you cock-smoking Windows-master faggots. Tell me the ridiculously arcane solution that I’m obviously too much of an idiot to figure out.

2

Reconfigure your Doom keys for that part.

3

Yup.

4

Why are you shooting at a door?

5

Charming.

6

Ah, yes.

The king of anger management stands before me again.

Speaking as a Windows geek I could tell you.

But you’re rude.

So I won’t.

7

[tiptoes in]

Um, is there any kind of Doom website where you can ask somebody who might have had this problem, too?

[tiptoes out]

[tiptoes back in]

You upgraded to Win98 and got a different keyboard, so my WAG is that there’s no way to change the setting. Windows is gonna do what it’s gonna do, per the Redmond diktat. My non-tech Mom solution would be to play a different game–“now, now,” I tell my children in a patronizing tone, “If it isn’t fun, then don’t do it.” Then I go back to furiously wrestling with my Sims crashes and lockups. “Now, now, Mom,” my kids tell me smugly, “If it isn’t fun, then don’t do it.”

[tiptoes out]

[tiptoes back in]

***CURSE YOU, BILL GATES!! WE SIGNED UP FOR YOUR FRIGGIN’ “ONE YEAR OF FREE MSN WITH THIS COMPUTER” DEAL, AND YOUR MESHUGGINAH ISP KEEPS SENDING US THESE “INSTALL REMINDERS” TO UPDATE OUR WHATEVER IT IS IT WANTS TO UPDATE!! AND THE LAST UPDATE CHANGED THE WAY WE LOG ON, SO IT TOOK DAYS AND DAYS FOR EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY TO BE ABLE TO DO INTERNET WITHOUT PANICKING!! “MOM, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CONNECT DIALOGUE BOX?” AND IT DIDN’T TELL US THAT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE TO DISCONNECT FROM NOW ON BY ACTUALLY CLICKING ON THE LITTLE GREEN POINTING FINGER WAY DOWN THERE IN THE TRAY, SO WE’RE STILL CONNECTED WHEN WE THINK WE’RE DISCONNECTED, AND NO PHONE CALLS ARE COMING THROUGH, AND THE BETTER HALF WENT OFF TO WORK AND LEFT IT CONNECTED BECAUSE HE DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD TO CLICK ON THE LITTLE GREEN POINTING FINGER!! AND NOW I’M AFRAID TO DOWNLOAD THIS ONE. WHO KNOWS WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO DO? “THE NEW UPDATES ARE READY TO BE INSTALLED. CLICK HERE.”

YAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHG!!!

**
[tiptoes out*]

8

Nope. I’m pretty sure that it’s possible to fix in one or two different ways, but I’ll be damned if I answer a homophobic asshole like the OP.

I’ll be damned if I’ll help someone who’s idea of a request for help includes:

I hope he has fun trying to figure it out on his own.

Fenris

9

I would suggest setting up a DOS system exclusively for DOS games. Or restarting in DOS mode if he wants to play his compensatiion-for-not-having-a-real-sex-life game.

But he’s being an asshole, so I’ll keep my suggestions to myself.

10

Well, this figures. I’m an asshole, so nobody with the know-how is gonna answer my question. I expected that. But FUCK IT. This is the Pit, and I came here to rant. And I ain’t homophobic, but if you want to think I am, go ahead. Like I could give a rat’s ass.

Ok, now to answer the people who were smart enough not to take the bait:

Protesilaus: No offense, but it’s taken years for the standard key configuration to become second nature to me. I tried switching to mouse, like most of the other top Doom players, but couldn’t get the hang of it. Just like an old dog that doesn’t learn new tricks. I appreciate your help, though.

Shortie: LOL, good call but that’s kind of the idea. It’s a bunker-style position where you’re getting barraged by dozens of nasty monsters and your only cover is a tiny door. I use spacebar to open & lower the door to block incoming missiles and hold down ctrl to unleash a constant barrage of shotgun blasts. Tricky but effective…until now.

DDG…now there’s a guy who knows how I feel! THANK you!!

11

Do you not understand that the words you write are assumed to be the words you wish to communicate?

There are only three possibilities: You are a homophobic asshole; you are a moron; you are both.

Jesus, what an idiot!!!

12

Look, JET. It’s one or the other. You can reconfigure your Doom keys and do a little reconditioning or you can live with a constantly minimizing window. Those are your options. There is no room for you to whine that “oh, that’s the way I know how to play it.” Tough shit. You can solve the problem or you can live with the problem. The fix suggested by Protesilaus is probably the most sensible one you’ll hear (and the politest reply you’ll receive to this OP…indeed, it was politer than you deserve) and all you can do is whine that the best fix isn’t convenient for you. To repeat: tough shit. That’s the way it works.

I probably shouldn’t have dignified this temper tantrum of an OP with a response, but anyone remotely involved with tech support hears this kind of crap all the time, and people need to learn that that convenience is seldom an option when fixing computer hangups. You can solve the problem and relearn the behavior or you can tailor your behavior to the computer’s problems. End of discussion, there’s the door.

13

You still play Doom? Using just the keyboard? And you’re mocking other people’s computer abilities and choices?

(The keyboard part is what really got me. People who use just the keyboard always think they’re good, but they’re not. Not ever.)

14

Oh my. This is bad. You should find the original boxes your computer came in, pack it up, and take it back to where you bought it. Because you’re…ah…incompatible with this one.

:smiley:

I understand that not everyone likes Microsoft. But you need to learn to direct your damn insults to the operating system rather than at those of us who prefer Windows–or those posters who are not of your sexual orientation, for that matter.

15

No advice for your Windows problem, but I know how to fix the bigger one.

First, remove head from sphincter, assuming that you still think with your head and not with your sphincter.

Second, go to a therapist. Actually, I’m beginning to wonder if you need a therapist because you actually like the idea of people dying horribly, or because you pretend like you do.

Third, don’t set yourself up like this:

“Tell me the ridiculously arcane solution that I’m obviously too much of an idiot to figure out.”

Unless you’re some sort of emotional masochist or really don’t care, which I expect to be the case anyhow.

16

Hee.

Hee hee…

HEE HEE HEE!

Oh. My. God. I got such a good laugh out of the OP it’s ridiculous! Not cuz I’m any Windows guru or anything, but just the sheer… ridiculousness of it!

Note to self: Don’t preface GQ’s with “Alright fucking assholes” and expect a reply. :wink:

17

By saying “old dog”, did you in fact mean “subhuman gutter spew”?

18

I don’t mean to pry, but why in the name of Allah’s Jizz are you still playing Doom II? Don’t you know there are games out there make Doom II look like Tinky-Winky’s Big Adventure in Jerry Falwell Land?

Do you have a problem with your 8-track player, too?
“Why the faggot can’t I rewind on this cock-mongrel of an 8-track player? Shit piss cum damn!”

Do you wonder why your phone beeps? It might be a little something we call “call waiting”.

Are you mental? Get the net.

Also, I wouldn’t say it’s a Window’s problem at all. It’s not a problem with the game either. In my professional opinion, it’s an ID10T error. These are quite common, so don’t feel bad. Like everyone else who experiences these errors, you should follow the standard fix:

  1. Trade your computer in for a can-opener.

  2. Once you’ve mastered this handy, ridiculously complicated little device, move on up to the following devices, and master them in order:

A. A cork extractor, the kind with wings. (ooh, shiny!)

  1. A toaster. (ooh, shiny and… and warm!)

  2. A blender. (ooh, buttons! Loud! Blar!)

  3. A watch. (this one will probably take a while.)

  4. A clock-radio (Noisy! Buttons! Help!)

  5. A VCR. (blinking…drool…blink…drool…blink)

In the unlikely even that you get even this far, you still have things like remote controls and telephones to worry about. I suggest you go back to the glitter and glue drawings you were so good at and leave the toys with buttons to people who have the proper number of chromosomes.

19

Now, now, Lex… there’s an upgrade program called Doom Legacy that significantly upgrades the controls, sound, and video of the game (you can actually look up! And JUMP!). While the game is still limited to the same old graphic images for enemies and such, it makes the game playable by today’s standards.

It’s still not as fun as Counterstrike, though… but the nostalgia factor is high.

20

Oh yes, always blame Windows, it’s NEVER a problem with the program, never…

Never once have I run up against a program, say like some $30 piece of shit software that has had its problems. Never once has my system farted because of a faulty POS software program, it’s ALWAYS a problem with Windows.

:rolleyes:

BTW, most of the problems I have ever experienced or have had a call on were directly related to gaming programs. Take that JET, as one that has been in the computer consulting industry for four years now…Oh and get rid of that fucking POS screen saver and use that little OFF button located on your monitor, another source of wieney heads who have problems with their computers. Screen savers cause as many problems as those fucked up cheap ass games.

But that’s just my professional opinion.