Am being unreasonable? (it's long, I'm sorry)

In My Humble Opinion
1

OK dopers, I usually tend to keep my private life, well private… but my current situation has me stumped.

Some Background:
I have problems. I battle depression and social phobias, I’m occassionally suicidal and I am pretty much pathologically lonely much of the time. But I’m functional. I have a job (one that actually involves dealing with people much of the time… yeah me!). I get to work everyday. I take care of myself and my home and generally manage to get along ok. I have a few friends, most of whom I have known for years but I’ve never dealt well with large groups of people, or with strangers. From the outside, I’d seem pretty normal, just quiet and shy, and maybe a tad withdrawn if it’s been a hard day. It’s taken me a long time to get this far. I know I have problems, and I am working on them, but this stuff doesn’t go away overnight.

Now the current problematic situation:
I am the only single person among my closest oldest friends. Now, that is certainly not their problem, and I’m the first person to admit that I’m probably not stable enough to be in a healthy relationship right now anyway.
My problem is this, I have a friend, we shall call her “B”. “B” is currently married and has an 8-year-old daughter whom I adore. “B” and I have been friends for years. She has always been the more outgoing one (way more outgoing) and I’ve pretty much always followed along in her path in most things. “B” and her husband haven’t been happy together for some time, and they recently decided that their marriage is over. Fine, I’ve listened to “B” whine and complain and moan about her life for years, and basically just told her repeatedly that only she can decide when enough is enough, and I will always support her no matter what her decision. Less than a month later, “B” has found a “boyfriend”. Great, I’m glad she’s happy. He seems like a nice enough guy. Personally, I think it would have been a bit more “proper” to actually wait until either her or her husband got off their lazy asses and actually filed for divorce before bedding down with the new “friend” (and taking her daughter along for “sleepovers”). But I can live with that… It’s not my life, and I don’t have any right to judge her decisions.
Unfortuantely, I have trouble being around lovey-dovey happy couples. I especially have trouble being the “3rd wheel” with such couples. “B” keeps trying to drag me along with her and her new “friend”. I am not comfortable with that. In fact, it makes me feel worthless and miserable (to the point of hours of crying and suicidal thoughts). Since I’m trying so hard to get control of my life, I ‘ve decide, that I don’t want to do things that make me feel like that (For me, this is a MAJOR step).
So, I took a moment, when “B” and I were alone, and tried to explain to her, that I can’t be part of her new “look how happy we are” life on a constant basis right now. I explained repeatedly, that I do not have a problem with “b” as a person, or with “the boyfriend” (although I don’t know him well) as a person, or with their relationship in a general abstract sense. The problem is completely and entirely within me, and the way that being around happy couples (it’s not just them) makes me feel. “B” knows about my problems, and about the things in my past that have contributed to them. She knows that I have had similar reactions to other friends’ relationships. Heck, we’ve been friends since we were 6 years old. She knows just about everything. I told her that I would continue to try and work out my issues, but that until I had a better grip on my sanity, I couldn’t (for the sake of my health and continued existance) spend a lot of time with just me, and the two of them. That I wasn’t planing on avoiding them, but that “just hanging” was out for right now. I tried to be tactful, and I definately made it clear that the problem is with me… and that I didn’t expect them to make any changes to accomadate me, just that I wouldn’t be around much. I thought I was handling this in the best way I could.
But “B” blew-up at me. She accused me of hating the “boyfriend”
and of trying to ruin her life. She said I had betrayed her. BETRAYED her! I spent months helping her care for her dying parents, I help her clean, I’ve helped her move, I pick her kid up from day care when “B” is running late. Basically, I rarely say no to her about anything. She called me all sorts of vile names, and generally made me feel like scum.

So, dopers (or at least any of you that are still reading) vote now.
Am I out of line to think that my feeling matter too. Or am I truely being a self-centered b***h. Normally, I don’t have any probelm seeing both sides of a situation, but in this case, I find that I really don’t understand her reaction, so I’m looking for some outside help.

I looking forward to reading any opinions, including those telling me to grow-up and get a real problem.

-Pandora

2

I don’t really have any advice, I just wanted to say hang in there. Hopefully someone will be able to help you make sense of this, either here on the boards or IRL.

I want to say right now that I think you are being perfectly reasonable and she is the one in the wrong.

My immediate reaction was to tell her where to go. It seems like she did not listen to what you said. However, you have known each other for years, so I realise that is not as easy as it sounds.

If she really is your friend, she should come to terms with this.

I really hope it works out.

{{{Pandora}}}

Rick

3

Given what you’ve told us, it seems that your friend is the one with the problem, not you. You are having serious problems right now, and it sounds like you are learning how to listen to the warning signs your body gives you and be good to yourself. I feel really badly for you that when you asserted yourself for what you needed, your friend reacted so terribly to it. The correct response when a friend tells you she needs to do something because she’s having a hard time dealing with things is, “If that’s what you need, I understand. Is there anything else I can do for you? Please, don’t close off our friendship completely - I’m still here for you.”

I hope you’re having some combination of medication and therapy to help you with your battles, Pandora. Depression and phobias are treatable; nobody should live alone in the dark with them.

4

My dear Pandora:
Were you the most well adjusted individual on earth, the very epitome of social
grace ,with a masters’ in Social Prattle and a doctorate in Cheap Charm, you would ** still ** be uncomfortable in the presence of these love-struck bo-bo heads.

Why?
Glad you asked! There are few sights more nauseating than a couple in the throes of “young” love. By “young”, of course, I am not refering to the actual age of the participants but the stage that the relationship has evolved to. Given time, even Romeo and Juliet might have become entertaining dinner guests. However, who wants to be subjected to the annoying cutesy nicknames, naughty snickers, and patently lustful glances that customarily accompany a beginning relationship unless the aforementioned gestures are directed at them?

I think the larger question at hand is why MS B is so insistent in making you an unwilling emotional voyeur? Is this perhaps a case where MS B can silently mutter to herself “Well, I may have a failed marriage and I may be an adulteress that jumped into bed with the first man that wiggled his dingy at me but at least I’m better off than Pandora!”

You mention that you have been struggling with depression etc.
I suspect that having a friend that

after I had

would send me into at least a minor funk for a day or two. I cannot imagine the effect on someone with obvious suicidal tendencies.

In short, **Pandora **, no, you’re not a self- centered bitch at all. You do have execrable taste in friends however.

5

Hi Pandora,

I don’t think that you are being unreasonable. In fact it sounds to me, given what you described, that “B” may be projecting just a bit. She perhaps deep down feels somewhat cruddy about the way in which she’s making these big changes in her life, and so she assumes that you think it is cruddy of her too.

In any case you did not do wrong by clearly communicating your needs to your friend - she was really wrong for not listening to you and respecting your honesty. If this is a pattern you may want to rethink your level of friendship overall, and not just in the context of her new relationship. If this is screamingly out of character then maybe just give her some time to come up for air.

I wish I had an answer to solve this for you, as just talking to her again may not resolve it, but I wish you the best of luck. I admire how intouch you are with what will make you feel best and that you take steps to provide that for yourself.

Twiddle

6

I agree with others here; your friend is the one with problems. You seem very self-aware and reasonable. Your friend blew up at you because she is your friend and she is in love and she doesn’t want to hear about anyone else’s feelings.

You can salvage this relationship by giving yourself lots of slack and being very patient with her. Loverboy will be a jerk fairly soon but you will always be a friend.

7

You were completely in the right explaining the situation, and it sounds like you did it very tactfully and carefully. If, as Twiddle said, this is completely out of character, then I would try not to worry too much about it. I’m hoping that this outburst was just repressed feelings or projecting, because otherwise she would be a very insensitive, horrible person. If I could guess, this had little to do with you and more to do with something else in her life.

8

Watch as I make wild assumptions about everything on earth!

You’re fine, really, and working to make yourself better and take good care of yourself. Good job.

B is stressed and not real sure she’s doing the right thing, she has picked up on teh fact that the majority of civilization would have preferred that she actually get divorced before hooking up with someone new. She’s edgy and not quite comfortable with this but she’s put on her “I can take on teh world” face and she’s going for it.

However, that when that brittle confidence is met with anything other than pure support and adoration, its a bad thing in B’s mind. She didn’t hear what you were saying she only heard that you aren’t totally in love with her life choices and she went into full defence mode. If this blowing up behavior is not normal for her, chalk it up to stress, tell her that you love/support her, and let her have some space.

If you can, reiterate to her that you’re behind her on her choices, but that you’re having a rough time right now being social so you don’t want to go out with the crew these days. If you can bring yourself up to it, think about having B and boyfriend over for dinner or something else quiet, safe, and less public. (If that works for you, I’m not the most stable person on earth, but when I’m not feeling like I can deal with all the world I can sometimes deal with one or two people in my own home more than I can deal with going out to dinner or a party.)

She needs support, you need a bit of understanding (which if she pauses for a second and listens I’mpretty sure she’ll give you, its just getting her to stop for a second that may be the trick…)

Good luck.

9

Thank you all for your kind words :slight_smile:
(and for reading the OP even with all the spelling errors and missing words :rolleyes: I really should stop posting when I’m rushed)

It’s been helpful to hear the opinions of someone outside the situation. Each of the responses has been helpful. I think I’m going to go with the working assumption the “B” is stressed and perhaps a bit self-conscience about her recent rash of life changes, and that she is just lashing out at any hint of someone being less then 100% behind her. (I really am behind her, and I will always support her, but I’m guessing she can’t see that now)

I guess she was truely surprised when I said that I couldn’t be with them right now. She’s pretty much always been used to dragging me along behind her where ever she goes. It’s just a habit for her to assume I will do whatever she does I guess. (As strange and maniulative as this sounds… it’s not really. I think it’s more of a natural outgrowth of the fact that we’ve been friends for so long and we generally like to do the same type of things, and “B” has always made it her mission to see that I was included in things, and not left out because I was quiet.)

Anyway, thanks to everyone. I think I’m just going to leave the whole situation alone for awhile. Maybe once “B” calms down a bit she will rethink what I said, and her reaction to it.
I glad that popular opinion seems to think that I’m not being a b***h about the whole thing. Standing up for myself, and considering my own feelings is a new idea for me, and I was terrified that I had gone to far with it. But on the other hand, if I am ever going to work through my problems, I need to learn to take care of my own needs.

hugs for all the friendly dopers
-Pandora

10

Definitely NOT a bitch. I think you are a great friend, to be perfectly honest.

11

Pandora, you are not being unreasonable at all! I’m dealing with mild depression myself, and one of the things that I’m working on is listening to what I really want to do, rather than go along with other people just because it is the status quo. Now, that’s a hard thing to do sometimes, but I’m learning! :slight_smile: Glad you’re listening to yourself and preserving your mental health and sanity. :cool:

Your friend is the one who’s being unreasonable for not at least trying to understand where you’re coming from, IMHO. In time, she’ll probably come around: SO’s come and go, but friends are forever! (especially the ones who have been around since you were 6 or so) She shouldn’t toss away or tribialize this long-standing freindship because of the situation you find yourself in, especially if you’ve told her time and again how you feel. I think your conscience should be clear… don’t lose any sleep on the matter, okay?