8 years ago my sister got married and dropped out of college. My family wanted her and her husband to move back to our hometown but she understandably did not want to move back in with mommy and daddy nor did she have the money to buy a house. My grandfather was (before the stock fell) worth over a mil so decided to buy her a nice little house worth 30,000. Real estate is LOW here so that was a…decent house. My gfather is neurotic and since he gave ‘Anna’ 30 thou thought he then must give his other 2 gdaughters 30,000. My mother knew this was ridiculous though so worked it out to where gdaddy, instead of giving 3 gkids 90,000, would divide 60,000 between his 2 children. My uncle of course thought this was grand and kept all, not sharing a penny with my cousin. My sister was to be paying 250 a month into what in now called ‘the sunset acct’ for when I needed it. Eventually my mother would get her 30,000 with interest. We each have 10 years to pay it back.
Fast-forward 8 years. My husband is in his last year of college (NOT in our home town) and plans (firmly) to get a masters. I am pregnant and want to buy a house and get out of this damn 40 year old roach infested moldy trailer. There should be 24,000 in that acct for me. There is 12,000. My sister suggested I sell my two horses and ‘find homes’ for my three dogs and live in a nice government housing project. She can go to hell. I don’t care how my sister comes up with the money (my parents) I’m not going to suffer because she is a failure. She lives WAY out of her means and runs to mommy and daddy every time she can’t pay a bill. They continue to support this behavior so I don’t feel sorry for them.
They are treating me like the bad person for ‘forcing’ Anna to go to them for financial aid. She is in the process of spending 80,000 to remodel their 3-bedroom brick house. Again, I don’t feel sorry for them. Anna wears on her finger a 5-carrot diamond ring. I suggested she sell it to come up with the rest of the money for the sunset acct. It’s not even her wedding ring. All hell broke loose. A month later her and her husband renewed their vows using the huge diamond as the ring…. NOW it’s her wedding ring.
My parents would love nothing more then for us to abandon the masters, settle for a 30,000 a year job and move home and live across the street from them just like Anna.
Of course I want to tell them to shove the money but could not provide for this surprise bundle of joy near as well without their emotional and financial support. So gulping down pride here. Maybe this is more of a rant and belongs in the Pit. But I truly want outsiders opinion on how I should handle this. Should I be more understanding? Feel sorry for my parents? For Anna? Wouldn’t I be a better person if I settled for what ever crappy home 12,000 would buy me and be gratefull for what help I get?
Wow. If I were you, I would thank my parents (sister? I got confused with your story) for the very generous gift of $12,000 and use it as a down payment on a house. Even in pricey California, that’s a respectable down.
Why does it matter what someone else gave your sister? Neither your grandfather nor your parents were obligated to give either of you any money. I don’t get at all how you seem to think that your sister owes you something because she received a gift years ago. Why is it relevant what your grandfather gave your uncle, and wether or not he passed some on to your cousin? I think your grandfather made a choice to help out one of his grandchildren. Does not make him obligated to give anything else to anyone, no matter who they are. Yes, it’s nice that he also gave some money to his children. Again, how is this yours in any way?
Each of my parents had major disagreements with their siblings over money and inheritance. Believe me, it can be a big mess. If I were in your shoes, at the most, you might want to write a letter to your sister where you document in writing that you expect her to eventually pay the remainder. But just take what you can now, and then basically forget about the rest, and get on with your life without stewing over what someone else got. Most people don’t get anything, just be thankful. You’ll feel better and more independent if you don’t let yourself get dragged down into an ugly mess.
I should have made it clearer that there was a condition. The whole point was that Anna would pay 250 a month for 10 years so that the money would be there for me when I needed it (She is 8 years older than I am). My grandfather would not have appreciated her getting 30 and me getting 12. The money was for both of us, not just her. It was a gift from my grandfather and she was allowed to screw that up. She just went about her happy ways not caring that the money wouldn’t be there for me when I needed it like it was for her. Thats what I’m upset about, her lack of consideration.
I’m sorry, I can barely make heads or tails of your explanation of the situation.
So far as I can tell
Your grandfather buys a $ 30,000 house for sister “Anna” and hubby as a gift.
Feels for fairness sake he must also give 30,000. to his other 2 grand daughters. Your mother intervenes and makes sure the 60,000 “fairness” money goes to her and her brother (your uncle) instead of directly to the remaining 2 girls (you and your cousin).
1: Sister Anna Has $ 30,000 house bought and paid for
2: $ 30,000 to Uncle, He keeps cash & your cousin gets nothing.
3: $ 30,000 to your mother (presumably for you)
Then something thrown in about an account and payments and a shortfall ie “My sister was to be paying 250 a month into what in now called ‘the sunset acct’ for when I needed it. Eventually my mother would get her 30,000 with interest. We each have 10 years to pay it back.”
Why is your sister putting money into an account for you? Did your mother give her the additional 30K she received as a loan in addition to the gift of the house? You need to be more specific about who got what and why.
OK so it was 60K total and the total received by your family was 30K (for the house) which your mother considered a loan to your sister and expected her to pay back $ 250 month. Sis has screwed you and there is only 12K in the account.
Forget about the 12K. In the long run it’s chump change and you will never see it from older sister as long as your mother and father will not force her to live up to her obligations. You have no power in this situation to make it different so don’t beat your head against the wall.
You might want to appeal to your parents sense of fair play and see if they will agree to co-sign on a house loan for you since they will not make her ante up.
BTW as a side note if you are serious about this “going for a masters” low income, high stress lifestyle for a few years and you are pregnant, two horses and three dogs might be more of cost and maintenance burden than it is fiscally prudent to maintain at this time, especially if you are looking for a house.
My grandfather gave my uncle and mother $30,000 each. My mother then passed (loaned) on the $30,000 to my sister so that she could buy a home. My sister was to pay back the $30,000 with interest within 10 years by way of $250 monthly payments so that it would be there for me. After I buy my first house I am to start making $250 monthly payments with interest so that my mother ends up with her original $30,000 plus interest. My sister has not been making her payments with total disregard to how it will affect my husband, our baby and me.
I agree about the freaking animals. If there were something else my conscious would let me do with them they would have been gone a couple years ago. These are dogs and horses my folks let my buy when I was 12 and 13. Two are dogs that my husbands’ folks brought home for him at age 13. The dogs are elderly and on their way out. To uproot them wouldn’t be fair in there final years which we are trying to make as comfortable as possible.
You got screwed. Your mom screwed you. Gdaddy shoulda followed his neurotic instincts and gave each of his grandchildren 30K and be done with it. Certain generations (you mom and uncle) prolly took umbrage and wanted control of the money. Result? you got screwed.
My advice. Take the 12 thou. Shut up about it and dont argue a lick about your sisters 5 carat ring and her expensive lifestyle. Stay with your husbands plan and when you get it together in about another 8 years, your sister would probably be divorced and/or out of money and you dont have any moral obligation to lift a finger to help her if you dont want to. Remember what she is doing to you now in case you get the urge to help her out later because she is “family”.
It would probably cause all sorts of upheaval and recriminations, but I don’t think I could resist going to whoever talked Grandpa out of the gift he originally wanted to give (presumably your mother) and saying, “Look. Grandpa wanted me to have something, and you talked him out of giving it to me. We all agreed to something that would make sure Sis and I got treated equally, and she’s reneged on it. In the process, she has royally screwed me, my husband, and our baby. On top of it, you’re trying to make us feel guilty for wanting her to live up to the obligations she willingly took on. That’s just abysmally shitty, and it’s not what Grandpa wanted. I’m going to forget about the rest of the money, because we all know good and damned well she’s never going to give up her luxuries to honor her commitments. But it’ll be a cold day in hell before I listen to another word about how horrible and selfish I am about this whole thing.”
Then I would take that $12,000 and put a down payment on a small home that would get me and my family through the next few years. (With that kind of down payment, and the special offers they have for first-time buyers, that should get you a pretty decent little house for not much of a mortgage. I know the whole point was for you to not have a mortgage, but sometimes you gotta roll with the punches.) It’ll only be a few years before you’ll have a much better income and can upgrade. (I would also, incidentally, take the full ten years to pay Mom back that $12,000.)
I’m a bit confused about the circumstances here, but I don’t think you are being a bad daughter. It sounds like your sister is taking advantage of you AND your parents, and they are allowing her to DO SO…because they love her, and what are they going to do? Throw her out in the street? Not gonna happen.
A little “tough love” might force her to grow up, but then I don’t know your sister or her situation, so I cannot say for sure that it would be in order.
I’d take the $12,000 and put a down payment on a house (farm?) and be grateful for it. I’d also be honest to my parents and say that while I was eternally grateful for the help, I didn’t feel it was fair that the money that was supposed to be divided between the two of us was being used mainly for my sister. And that maybe it was time for them to take a long, hard look at the best way to help her to get on her feet. I’d say that sometimes enabling someone to continue a lifestyle where they are allowed to negate their responsibilites is detrimental to that person in terms of that person’s life.
Then I’d let it go…for now…and I DO mean LET IT GO!!! No smoldering resentment or anything along that line.
Otherwise, you are in for a much WORSE time down the line when (God Forbid) your parents pass on or are incapacitated. I have seen some truly heartbreaking things happen under these kinds of circumstances.
You know, the phrase “Money is the root of all evil” is not really Biblical…the real one is (I believe) “The LOVE of money is the root of all evil”…but sometimes, for SOME people, it works out the same.
Best wishes for good health for you and the baby, and for you and your husband. I hope you are able to work this out in such a way as to keep your family together and loving. In the long run, that is really all that matters.
It’s obviously not fair what happened, and this is obviously not what your grandfather would have wanted. It sucks.
But, “living well is the best revenge.” Take the 12 thousand, be grateful it’s not less, and wade it out. If things go the way that you plan them to go (husband gets Masters, gets good job) then sooner or later you’ll be doing well by the fruits of your (and your husband’s) labor and you will know that you won’t have to rely on anyone else for it.
And the shoe will be on the other foot with sis. She’s playing now, she probably will end up paying later. You can’t stop her, you shouldn’t gloat when things go south for her (it’s bad to gloat ;)) but by damn, you don’t have to bail her out or feel all that sorry for her either. And, once again, remember: “living well is the best revenge.” You’ll have your day.
You folks are making this so much easier on my hormonally charged emotions! Thank you.
QUOTE And that maybe it was time for them to take a long, hard look at the best way to help her to get on her feet. I’d say that sometimes enabling someone to continue a lifestyle where they are allowed to negate their responsibilites is detrimental to that person in terms of that person’s life. QUOTE
This is exactly how I feel and I’ve had this conversation with my folks many times and determined that they don’t WANT her to do better. They like her to depend on them. Control her. All subconsciously of course.
I will not let this keep me up at night anymore. I have no control of the outcome and will end up being a better person for weathering it with dignity. The only thing I regret is we will not be able to buy a nicer house. Oh well, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
By ‘it’ I mean the malcontent within the family, the strife over money, the feelings of unfairness. Im not feeling sorry for myself because I ONLY get 12,000 boo hoo. Just wanted to make it clear I’m not a prissy little whiney pants… or at least not THAT big of one.
OK. I’d take the $12,000 and get on with my life. If you still like your sister, then be a sister to her. If you don’t, don’t. If your family is more interested in “the money” than you, then I’d say to hell with them.
Inherited money can cause far more trouble than it’s worth. No grown-up child has the right to expect anything from any relative. If they get something, great. If not, that’s about all they were owed.
Personally, my wife and I have already paid for our burial lots and other expenses and whoever goes last is going to try to spend the last dime, even if we have to give it away to a random homeless person or a cat’s home.
So your sister got 30K originally, then your mother gave her another 30K that was meant for you? Your sister is supposed to pay back this second 30K into the “sunset account”? Is that right? But your sister has only pid back 12K. Is that right?
Also, you keep saying “with interest”…but $250 per month is 3K per year so paying 250/ month for 10 years is 30K but there’s no interest.
What do your mother and gradfather say? Have you mentioned it to them? Tell your grandfather. He seemslike a nice guy. Maybe he’ll give you 36K and that, together with your 12K from your sister will equal 48 K which is what she got.
Incidentally, where do you live that one can live that cheaply? Sounds like a nice place.
Bri, I think the sister only got $30,000. Grandpa was originally going to give each granddaughter 30K, but Mom and Uncle stepped in and put a stop to that. My understanding is that none of the granddaughters got anything directly from Grandpa; Mom and Uncle each got $30K. Uncle kept it rather than passing it on to his daughter as gramps had intended. Mom lent her $30K to Sis, with the understanding that she would pay it back within 10 years. The repaid money would go into a seperate account, to be lent to the OP. She would then have 10 years to pay it back, leaving Mom with the $30K Grandpa originally gave her.
Unfortunately, Sis hasn’t been keeping up with her payments, thereby depriving the OP of the money her grandfather intended for her to have.
What I don’t get, though, is how she’s spending $80,000 to remodel a $30,000 house. Unless the $30K was a down payment? At any rate, if she can swing an $80K remodel and a 5 carat diamond ring, she can certainly afford to pay her bills, including giving her mother $250 a month to pay off that loan.
It still boggles my mind that Sis has the nerve to remodel the house your grandfather’s generosity gave her, while suggesting you give up the non-human members of your family to live in the fucking projects so she doesn’t have to live up to her promises. It boggles even further that you’re somehow the bad guy in all this. That’s pretty dirty pool from both your mom and your sister.
You got it right CrazyCatLady.
And sis sold that $30,000 home back in '99. She now lives in a nice brick 3br home right acros the street from our folks.
Your grandfather gave a total of 60K out. Then your mother LOANED your sis her 30K? Is that right? So it wasn’t a gift it was a LOAN.
Now you want to borrow 30K and there’s only 12K there.
Well then it’s not like you’re out an actual GIFT of money. You’re just out an interest free loan. Can’t you borrow money from a bank?
Your sister owes your mother 18K. But that’s kind of your mother’s problem. If your mother has a will, then she should alter it so that sis’s amount has 18K less money in it.
