Family and Money, Would this bother you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My mother is getting older and while she can still take care of herself now, her heath is starting to decline to the point where she could use more help. None of my siblings remaining in Salt Lake could or would help her, which leaves my sister in Georgia and me, here in Tokyo. While I would love to have her come, that just is not practical. So, my sister is making arrangements for my mother to move there.

This is nice of my sister, and my mother is excited to be able to be close to my sister’s kids, who are 12 and 14. They’ve found a really nice and affordable house which is only a few minutes’ walk from my sister’s place. Since it’s not in town, the property will be less than what my mom can get for her SLC property. Everything looking good so far.

However, the only thing which concerns me is the money. There is a reason for the concern; which over the years they have shown themselves willing to be generous with other people’s money. (I can give a couple of examples if that matters.)

Because of this, I was concerned with the plan and talked to my mother about me also watching the deal. My sister quickly moved to get me out of the loop. I pretty much figure that there will be a certain amount of my mother’s money becoming their money. Since they will be providing a valuable service to our mother, then I could live with some of that.

What has gotten me upset, and what I’d like to hear other people’s thoughts is that it’s already started and my mother has yet to move. I really didn’t expect this much this soon.

My 14-year-old is good at the piano, ahead of many people her age and has real talent, but not likely (in my sister’s opinion) destined to be a star. But she’s good and her teacher thinks that she’s reaching a point where she can tell the difference in sound between the upright she practices with at home and the baby grand at the teacher’s place.

My sister has got my mother to agree to buy a baby grand for the niece (and nephew) to practice. It will be at my mother’s place so my mom can hear them practice.

Baby grands aren’t cheap. The one they got is $9,000. My mother isn’t rich but has always been frugal, so it won’t break her, but my mother is selectively generous with her money. She’s supported my possibly mentally ill younger brother who refuses to work or get help. I think she’s given him $35,000 to $50,000 over a decade, and let’s my second sister (also with mental problems) stay almost rent free in an apartment which mom owns.

But for me and my family? Zip. I’ve been the “successful” one and so my role is to give her nice presents and take care of her. Anytime we go out to dinner, she doesn’t even take her wallet, it’s assumed that I’ll pay. I’ve flown her on vacations and given really nice presents to her.

That actually started even before I got out of school, and when I didn’t have money.

Given my sister and her husband’s ability to stick their hands out, I doubt that this will be the last significant grab for cash.

Does my niece really need to have a baby grand? If so, why don’t her parents buy it instead of pushing grandma into it? I don’t know anything about pianos, but it looks like there are cheaper ones available, so this seems extravagant to me.

I’ve told her that I really don’t care about inheriting any money from her. I hope she can use it all up to enjoy herself, but when just of few of her kids get all the money, then you have to wonder if it’s fair.

I do think that she will get joy from this, but I’m bothered with the amount of money, that it’s coming from my sister and that I can see this happening again, and again.

2

Your mother has the right to give 100% of her money to your sister, or a passing stranger, or the Society for the Rehabilitation of Piano-Playing Monkeys. If she chooses to do this out of her own free will, out of laziness or spinelessness or whatever, there isn’t anything you can or should do about it except and unless it’s elder abuse. Even if it’s a lot of money. Even if it’s not fair.

Georgia does have hotlines for elder abuse; I would call and ask about financial exploitation. It seems to me that a caregiver asking for money is exploitation because of the power they have over the people they help. What you to about it is up to you: it really depends on how much harm it does your mother and whether you want a relationship with your siblings and nieces and nephews in the long term.

Given the past, I think you should expect nothing, especially since you’ve told her you don’t want it. Your sister has told her she does want it, and that strategy is obviously going to work. If you meant, “I don’t want it, but on the condition that none of my other siblings want it either; we’re all functioning adults after all. If you’re going to leave it to anyone, though, please be fair” then you have to SAY that.

3

I agree with Dr. Drake. I’m in sort of a similar position where my brother gets thousands of dollars in assistance from my parents because he needs it (him and his wife have not been very thrifty) and I just don’t need it. They feel really bad about not giving me money and have tried to give it but I refuse it. They also mention it to me sometimes before they give money to him and I say it’s fine, I won’t feel bad.

And I don’t. Because I am awesome and have loads of money, and my brother is a stupidhead who clearly can’t manage his money like an adult.

Now we’re getting into the realm where they feel compelled to give a lot more money and time to my brother because now he’s got a kid. I felt jealous about all that for about a minute and then got over it. Now I spoil the kid too.

My dad’s only 60 and he’s really thinking a lot about “you can’t take it with you.” He wants to give his money away, and he wants to do it while he is here to enjoy the happiness of his beneficiaries. I’m sure it makes him cringe that my brother has so much credit card debt, but he’d rather give my brother money and see him and the niece living comfortably than deal with the pain of seeing his kid utterly fail.

As long as your mom has all her mental faculties…let her do what she wants with her money. If you ever feel like you need it, ask for it. Otherwise, be proud of yourself for being successful because I’m sure she is proud of you.

4

It’s her money , she can give it to whoever she wants even if it’s not fair, and getting upset about it is only going to aggravate you. I’m in a similar situation - and I don’t feel bad because I know exactly why my mother has given more time and money to some of my siblings. It’s because I’ve been more successful, and really, I’d rather have my life than have theirs.

5

Nothing can damage family relationships quite like money can.

It sounds to me, OP, like you are more bothered by the imbalance and unfairness of the situation, than you are about the money per se. I’m with everyone else; it’s your mom’s money and she can do with it as she chooses, even if it’s not fair.

Personally my suggestion is to try to let this go and stop seeing your mom’s gifts or purchases for your sister’s family as “cash grabs”. But this is probably a sensitive topic for me, as I have a couple of people that were very close to me that I don’t hear from anymore, as they’ve cut themselves off from family due to perceived unfairness/“cash grabs”/etc. You say you don’t care about getting an inheritance from your mom, and you’re doing well enough financially to be able to provide for your family, so don’t worry about what your sister is doing. That’s just my $.02, though.

6

Though I absolutely agree you should have an impartial person from Elder Servies check up on the possible financial exploitation of your Mom, it seems that your mother feels you’ve “made it” and don’t “need” the $.

7

It seems to me that you know very well, exactly what’s really going on, and likely how it will play out in the future. Now you just need to accept that there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Your Mom is capable of making her own decisions, and your sister is capable of exploiting them.

Your one shot would seem to be a conversation with your Mom about it all. Keeping your feelings of your sister’s motives out of it, simply ask Mom to put aside, some money that your sister does not know exists, (it may be too late, your sister may already know about it all and have full access), she could present this to your sis as a one time payment to you in lieu of an inheritance since she knows your sis will get it all. Put that money aside in the event this arrangement doesn’t work out.

It’s her money after all, created by her/her spouses hard work, and she’s free to do with it what she wishes. At least she’s not spending it on internet gambling.

I’m confused about what you care about here. You don’t want the money, are unable to provide hands on care, you know your siblings have already/are going to take advantage. And you’re right about how it will pan out, I’m sure. So, what’s not to understand?

8

This sounds similar to what happened with my father’s mother. Without going into all the gory details (which would take forever), basically my grandfather died and left everything to my grandmother, who had never managed any money (rather than in a trust). Eventually she moved in with my aunt in Florida. When my grandmother passed away she left everything to my aunt, and nothing whatsoever to my father, in fact no mention at all of him in the will, which really hurt my father’s feelings because he thought everything was fine and he was a good son and his father’s will would have split things evenly between my father and my aunt.

Something shady had been going on with my aunt because she never even told my father when his mother was dying in the hospital.

Anyhow it was a mess, it hurt my father not because of the money but because of the betrayal and his sudden perception that this meant his mother didn’t love him.

It sounds like something similar may be happening to you. If so, there is not much you can do about it. Just try to maintain communication with your mother and hope for the best.

9

The only red flag that occurred to me is this: What happens if sis and BIL burn thru all of Mom’s money and they come to the OP for help. THAT would scare the crap out of me in a similar situation. I would try to encourage Mom to set up a trust or something so that she’s got a guaranteed income on a regular basis. At least the spendies couldn’t suck it all up at once.

Beyond that, as long as Mom consents, it is her money.

10

I just wonder if you’d say this to your niece and nephew’s faces. If you wouldn’t, you are wrong to be griping about it to strangers. They’re her family and minors. You’re an adult. Your mom doesn’t owe you anything. You sound bitter. You should be happy you’re in a better situation than your siblings.

I don’t really think you care about her all that much. You don’t seem to care which of your siblings are taking care of her, but the idea of her being your burden seems to frighten you. Again, I wonder if you’d voice these opinions and concerns to your mother and other family members.

11

Your sister has stepped up to the plate of responsibility for your mother in a way that you are unable to at this time. She will be putting in lots of time and effort to see your mother through to the end at some point. Money is the lubricant that keeps all of the processes moving. You are not part of the process. Forget about the money and be glad your sister is there for your and your mother’s benefit.

12

To answer your questions, yes it would bother me, and yes I think a $9k baby grand piano is too much for a 14-year old.

It isn’t the money that’s bothering you, it’s that your sister is greedy and sees your mom as a cash cow. I agree with FCM, if you could talk Mom into setting aside a fund away from Sister’s control, it would be a Very Good Thing.

Something else to worry about is a Power of Attorney type situation. Some of them include a clause about appointing a Guardian for the person. If your mom grants a Power of Attorney to Sister, it may be best to name a different person as Guardian so that Sister doesn’t have a lock on everything.

I speak from bitter experience.

13

Your niece does not need a baby grand to realise her musical potential. I passed Grade 8 with honours and went on to obtain a Certificate in Pianoforte Performance from Trinity College whilst practicing on a $50 piano my parents bought at a garage sale ten years previous.

I second NightyWt’s suggestion re PoA/Guardianship.

14

To answer the OP’s question, yes, it would bother me. As a few posters here have picked up on, it’s not the money, it’s the combination of the greed of the sister and the vulnerability of the mother.

It’s the injustice in the idea that someone too lazy or dishonest to pay his or her own way might benefit from manipulating the goodwill of one who has already earned his or her own way.

It goes to the concept of family fairness, that parents should love all their children the same and provide for all their children equally.

Then there’s the question of what is likely to happen if the money were all spent? Would the sister still be so eager and loving as to help the mother?

My own experience leaves me to think that the OP wouldn’t be asking this question if there weren’t a history of some unsavoury manipulation on the part of the sister for her own financial gain.

That’s what I think, anyway.

15

Thanks everyone for your responses. I’ve very aware that it is my mother’s money, and I hope that she gets enjoyment from it. I also appreciate what my sister will be doing for my mother.

A little more background information. A few years back, my sister first proposed having my mother move there, and suggested that my mother sell her Salt Lake house, and they would use that money to buy 10 acres of land and build a house for them. They would keep their house and rent it out. Among other things I asked why 10 acres, and it was to build a “buffer zone” whatever that means.

Their proposal would have given them a new house and land, with my mother’s money, and let them get rent from their property. I told them hell no, and the idea died.

When the idea of moving there was brought up again this time, I was concerned that sometime similar would happen, and told my sister that I would feel much better if I would be consulted on major expenses. My mother can’t say no, especially to my brother-in-law, and she asked me to help.

We had discussed having my mom rent a place for a few months to see if she would actually like living out there, but suddenly they found a house and pushed for a really quick decision. While we were still talking about it, my sister cut me out of the loop, and they closed on the house. (And yes, this is strange family dynamics where the children are having to make decisions for the mother who still has all of her mental capacities, but refuses to make decisions on her own.)

So are we headed back to the initial plan of blatant money grabbing? If this history (and other examples) weren’t there, I don’t think I’d be nearly as concerned.

The other thing which really gets me is that this is happening and my mother hasn’t even moved out yet. The move won’t happen until this summer (they just barely closed on the house this week) so why the rush for the piano now? And if my sister feels entitled to $9,000 now, before any help for my mother is required, what will she feel like if, and ever my mother needs some real assistance?

16

To me, the only thing that raises red flags is the amount of money on something that your mom will never use.

$9,000 for a piano that will likely never get played after the OP’s niece and nephew’s 16th birthday? What a supremely stupid purchase.

But you need to accept that the money is gone. The deal you’re making is simple: your sister takes care of your mom and gets her money. I’d be a little worried that your sis will burn through it all too fast and force your mom to sell her home in a few years. In that case, she’ll have to take her in until the very end. Make sure she knows that.

17

I think your worries about what will happen are spot on.

The crux of the problem, I think, is here:

You have to talk to one of four people about this, or else let it go completely:

  1. “Mom, you’ve placed me in a terrible position.”
  2. “Bro, you need to stop seeing Mom as a cash cow.”
  3. “Sis, Mom asked me to step between her and Bro, but I think it would be better if you did.”
  4. “State of Georgia? I’d like to report a case of elder abuse.”

From an outsider’s perspective, your Mom is most at fault. She’s how old and she can’t say no? Geez, I could use some cash, can you give me her number?
Next is Bro-in-law followed closely by sis: they’re greedily taking advantage of the situation.

Some wisdom from an old Louise Fitzhugh kid’s book: Nobody’s Family Is Going to Change, except maybe you. Can you teach your mother to say no at this late date? Unlikely. Will your greedy family stop grabbing? Unlikely. Can you stop caring / being the sensible one that gets thrown under the wheels to stop a trainwreck? Yes. Either stop caring, refuse to be the broker, or do what others have suggested and ask her for money yourself (as a separate just-in-case fund, as a gift, whatever).

18

It’s easy to look at a situation like this from the outside and answer your question with no emotional involvement. And, what people are saying is true, what is, is. I’ve been through this before and whether we like to see it or not our siblings are what they are and that’s not likely to change. For me, I realized, at some point, that even though I was the “strong” one and no one worried about me, it hurts. For me, I could live with my own heartache and wouldn’t trade places with my siblings. The problem, at least for me, was that my son was going to be hurt. No one has mentioned that here. It can get confusing when you aren’t sure if it’s concern for your mother, your own heartache or the heartache you feel for your child. Unfortunately, you don’t get perks for being the one that’s ok. I don’t think there’s really anything that can be done about that necessarily. I don’t think that your mom is doing your sister and her family any favors here because they will never learn to be ok on their own. They will always have to find the next person to “help”.

Personally, I would want to share with my mother that it’s a possibility that since all her time will be going to your sister’s kids she might want to think about your daughter’s feelings. See if she can’t make a little extra effort to make sure that your daughter feels loved by her, too. I’m not even saying pianos or money but I do think that someone needs to step up to the plate for your daughter’s sake. At the very least, it would be nice if your mom would keep up with what’s going on in your daughter’s life. Letters are good because she can keep them forever. They could talk about how much your daughter enjoys the piano and how much she’s accomplished because of that. It really doesn’t matter what you sister thinks about your daughter’s talent but grandmothers are special relationships and your daughter shouldn’t get the short end of that stick. Even if she didn’t get a piano like her cousins did. The conversations they will have together will make your mom proud of your daughter and no piano is as special as that. And, personally, I feel you and your daughter will be the better people in the end.

Keep your chin up. Don’t pay attention to people that say you don’t care because you do. Your daughter will learn from you that it isn’t easy sometimes but you can hold your head high and know for yourself that you’ve tried to do the right thing. And, even when you can’t feel it that’s all we really ever have but, in the end, it’s really all that matters.

Good luck,
Sharon

19

My mother is the same way. My brothers ‘get’ everything. My dad (they’re divorced) desperately wants my little brother to “like” him, so he buys him shit all the time. My brother (22) hates my dad. Uses him for cash. Constantly.

I have gone to Dad for money, but it’s not like “Hey, I want a vacation!” or “Hey, I will only visit you if you give me $$!”. (Yes, my brother does this.) It’s more like, “Fuck, I’m short cash on fixing my car…um…?” or “Can you float me $200 for Judah’s tuition payment til next week?” or something. It’s an awful feeling because I’m an adult with a degree (and then some) and I don’t have a FT job and I desperately want one.

But. I never. Ever. Expect it. When my brother whines to Dad that he ‘needs’ something and Dad doesn’t provide, my brother has a fit. “He was never around when we were growing up, etc etc, he should give us everything.”

My father is kind of weird with cash - he gives when he feels like it, but sometimes it has an emotional price tag. But there have been a few times when he was short on cash flow and me – the broke one – puts a few grand in his bank account to tithe him over for a few. My dad gives when he can if he sees a need and so do I. (Obviously, I’m more of the ‘cook ya dinner/take you to the doc/help fix your records for tax season’ variety.) I’m naturally generous, whereas my dad is a crafty fucker.

When my mother dies (a long time from now), I don’t expect anything. I figure my two little brothers will inherit the house. I also expect her to need/want/ask casually for cash from me in the future…just like she used to. And I totally ponied up. Not anymore, though. She’s so damned mean, so what’s the point? If my littlest brother (8) needs something, I buy it for him directly.

When my father dies, I don’t ‘expect’ anything. I do know, however, that while he constantly feeds my little brother’s laziness, it isn’t his plan to do so after he dies. He just asked me (me?! out of five children? and I’m not even the oldest or anything! and he has a kid on the way!) to help him tally all his assets and plan things because he’s changing his will - and he wants to give me money long before he passes. He’s retiring. He had a heart attack this year, so I think he’s realizing his mortality.

I have always been my own person. I went to college against his wishes, I studied things he didn’t want me to study, I rejected his Jesus thing (thank GOD he’s over that), I vote Democrat, I think gay people should be able to marry, I won’t leave Denver, and I tell him what I think about his philandering ways. But…I remember his birthday, sees that he has a relationship with his grandson, keep tabs on his health, and I don’t say unkind things about him (well, not to anyone he knows ;)).

I spent the first twenty or so years of my life fighting with my dad. So did my brother, but he got cars, cash, clothes, vacations, music lessons, birthday parties, rent-free life, and three shots at college (he quit every single time). My mother cut his meat until he was in high school!

Point number one: Everyone controls their own funds. My dad works like a madman for his money and it’s his business what he does with it. He loves $1 AIM toothpaste, Gold Toe socks, and his Lexus. He gambles all the time, flies first class, and likes to be showy with his money. He has a thirty year old pregnant girlfriend he lives with half the time (when he’s not visiting his others, I guess) and if he wants to leave all of his cash to her and my new sibling, that’s his business.

Sooo…I didn’t have to lend my mother $3,000 to pay off her credit cards and she doesn’t have to let my 23 year old brother live rent free in her house (the shithead doesn’t even chip in for food, and lord knows he eats most of it, that fully employed pothead), just like my dad chooses to buy gifts for his young dumb girlfriends (barf) and he also chooses to not give me the same lifestyle he has (which isn’t his responsibility).

My dad thinks my brother is a lazy but hotheaded moron. He wouldn’t pass on the family business to him (and I refused it; it’s not interesting to me), he doesn’t trust him with personal things and he most certainly would never ask him advice for anything. He enables my brother to be lazy but he also thinks my brother has a useless and miserable life ahead of him.

Point number two: Be glad you’re not the sibling that needs to be spoon-fed by a parent in adulthood. Be glad you’re not the sibling that sees dollar signs instead of a parent.

My dad is an ass. I mean, really - he’s done bad things to a lot of people and still continues to be a jerk. But he’s also funny and clever and grills a mean steak and we’ve become friends in adulthood. I love my dad. I get to see a side of him that most people don’t (the side where he acts like a human being, I guess).

I’d rather have his respect than his ‘love’ in form of a welfare check. I found out a few years ago that my dad brags about me - and only me. (This is the guy who never attended a basketball game of mine or looked twice at a report card. I don’t even think he knows what university I went to or what I majored in.)

Your mom is an adult. She probably wants to feel ‘useful’ in her age, and cash is one way older parents can do that. You’re in Tokyo. When your mother is driving your sister up the wall with her 10,000th request to the beauty parlor/craft store/Bingo night, you may feel differently.

Do you really want to contact elder care on your sister? Is she that bad? Have you had that conversation with your mother? Your mom has been parenting for quite a few decades, right? She probably knows what she’s doing.

20

I just saw this after I posted my reply.

The same sort of thing happened with my grandmother and her children after my grandfather died. House: gone. Then she had a ‘manufactured home’ and it is gone. My wealthy cousin pays for her retirement community apt.

Have a talk with your mom.

Why can’t she move to Tokyo?