The people I would worry about are your other mentally ill siblings.
When mom passes, what becomes of them? Especially if all of your mother’s money is spent. Will you and your sister take care of them as you mother clearly wants that.
Has she set up some sort of trust fund for them?
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the feedback.
I think the first step is to talk to my mother, as Dr. Drake suggests with the “Mom, you’ve placed me in a terrible position” and see how she reacts.
I know that it’s really my mother who should be standing up for herself, but this was the battered woman who remained married to the nightmare of my abusive father for 30 years, a man who raped her, beat her and her kids and forced her to actually get down and lick his shoes.
I really don’t know what to do about this brother. He refuses to work, refuses to get help and refuses to be officially diagnosed or get medication. I tried for years to talk him into doing things to get better, offered to pay for counseling, treatment. Hell, I even once told him I’d pay him to volunteer but he absolutely refused.
All the money my mom’s given him over the years is just gone. He claims to be a genius with the ability to invent airplanes, but is homeless. I’ve asked my counselor before and the counselor just shakes his head. A similar question would be is what do you do with an active alcoholic. It’s not pretty and I don’t see any good solutions.
As I said above, my other sister is living with her partner in an apartment which my mother owns. Another situation which doesn’t have easy solutions.
I’ve been too upset to talk to my sister, but I think I’ve got to as well.
I think the deal will be that my sister will take care of my mother, and we’ll see how much money gets used. Like most dysfunctional families, there was never enough love for all the kids, but it’s too late for fight those wars.
As I write this, it occurred to me that I need to remember my sister in Georgia is also a product of that same particular hell called our house, and she carries her ghosts as well. My mother emotionally checked out when we got into grade school, and it was about then that she started her suicide attempts, self-mutilation, and zoned out on Valium, so this may be my sister’s attempt at finally getting some love and attention.
Hell. I donno. I guess I should just be happy what I don’t have worse problems, that I’ve got a great wife and wonderful kids.
It is hard learning how to be a good parent without having had any role models, and having to unlearn all the bad lessons. Carrying grudges and acting childish myself won’t help my kids learn the right lessons. I’ll take them over any amount of money which I may or may not get from my mother.
I’ll concentrate on my family. This is a videoof Beta-chan “going to work” as she tells us, and coming back because "she forgot her keys.
Sorry, this is rambling, but I think it helped me calm down.
Your whole post was awesome but I loved this part especially. It is the truth, and the sooner we accept that, the more content we will be.
Here’s the thing: will your sister take good care of your mother in her declining years? The last years of your mom’s life, whenever they start, are going to be a tremendous burden on whomever is the major caretaker: daily visits that you have to schedule everything else around, hundreds of doctors’ visits, all sorts of undignified medical stuff, painful, painful role reversal, the devastating process of watching someone you love and admire fall slowly apart and/or suffer terrible pain.
Ignore the money side to this. Is your sister the sort of person who will take this on and see it through? Will she wipe your mom’s butt every day for a year if she needs to, chatting cheerfully while she does? Will she be patient with your mom as dementia develops? Will she be creative in finding ways to keep your mom as autonomous as possible for as long as possible, while keeping her safe? Do you trust her judgment on medical matters enough that when she calls you in the middle of the night and explains an emerging situation, you will feel like you are getting a clear picture of what is going on?
Honestly, if all that is true, fuck the money. It doesn’t matter. If it’s not true, you’ve got bigger issues coming.
As far as the piano goes, it’s going to be at your mom’s house, correct? So your niece will be visiting her Grandma for a couple hours a day seven days a week for the next four years or so? Hell, that’s a bargain at $9K. Seriously. My biggest concern about this plan is that your mom would be lonely in a strange new city with no friends, and this will go a long way to prevent that.
On reflection, it sounds to me like you made your peace with the inequitable funding situation long ago, realizing that you were getting the greater gift - independence from the dysfunction.
I can tell you don’t care about the money, and that you are concerned about your Mom. But the hard facts are that her funding, through the years, has made the siblings, in part, the way they are. And you know you can’t undo any of this. Especially not from the other side of the world.
I think, in the end, you are really feeling hurt on behave your children, for how it will seem to them. And I can understand that. But the truth is they need never know, after all, you’re family is thousands of miles away, and your kids won’t know about the piano, or anything else, for that matter, unless you pass that along to them. So don’t. By the time they see it for themselves, they’ll also see they still have the better life, piano or no.
Being hurt on behave of another is sometimes hard to avoid when it’s someone you love, I realize. But the truth is, you’ve navigated these waters before and you’ll find your way this time too, I’m sure. Sometimes just to realize what’s really driving your feelings is all it takes.
You need to look at this from a cost benefit analysis.
Baby grand pianos hold their value well. If she is buying a used one, chances are she can sell it for pretty much the same amount she bought it for in four years. You’re probably talking no more than $1000-$2000 when you include depreciation and opportunity cost. For that low low fee, she gets near daily visits from granddaughter, and gets to listen to piano music.
You can’t sit back and dictate matters to your sister and mother. Either step up to the plate and help mom, or get out of the way and let sister do it.
I agree with you.
I think your concerns are probably valid. My mom isn’t terribly decisive, either; my sisters and I don’t take advantage of that, but try to help her instead. Whatever dynamic your sister and brother-in-law have going on, they don’t seem to be taking that route, but seem to be trying to get what they can from her.
I agree with others that if your sister and brother-in-law do end up looking after her properly for her declining years, that is worth every cent she has, but I would also be concerned that they might use up her money before she really needs it, and all of a sudden she has no money left for a proper nursing home where she can get good care. That would be my primary concern here, and I’d probably talk with all three parties about that concern.
I think it’s really good to get other people’s input. It lets you think about things from another perspective.
I think my sister will be likely to actually take care of my mother when she eventually requires it, so this may just be the price for that. I haven’t asked for money or things when I do things for my mother, but each person is different. And I do a lot for my mother; she’s said I’ve done more for her than the rest of my brothers and sisters put together. This includes much more than just presents. I call her almost every day, and there are periods of her life when I’ve really carried her though her depression.
I’ve offered to have her come to Tokyo, but she said she couldn’t handle the language problem and her health isn’t good enough for all the walking and stairs which comes with living here.
The fact that she is not likely to do something for my children bothers, but that is one consequence of living on the other side of the world. My mother is so excited to be closer to my sister’s kids, she may not realize the message the rest of her children hear from that.
My mother tends to be passive, so she’s not as likely to come up with things on her own to do for my children. I may have to suggest things for her. One problem, though, is that I’m getting tired of being the one that institutes 99.9% of the contact.
I will make sure that the finances are set up is such a way that if my mother becomes mentally incapacitated, that my sister and her husband don’t control the money.
I’ll also talk again to her about planning and finances. She’s really good at avoiding thinking about these things, but there have been some good points brought up in this thread.
I think you’ve been given some good advice in the rest of the thread, but I wanted to comment on this. It’s unfortunately the burden you bear when you are the one who moves away from your family and the familiar. Life continues as normal for everyone you leave behind, and the onus is really on you to do more to try to keep those relationships strong. I make several trips back home a year, have been living overseas for 6 years and have been visited by my sister twice, and my brother and best friend never (athough this year they are finally making the effort!). Sucks, but it’s par for the course.
An old widowed lady I know has three daughters. Two live close to each other in the east part of the country, the other dauchter lives on the west coast. In the past fourteen years, this elderly lady has moved between east and west three times, so that each daughter (and her kids) got to know Grandma for a few years, and the none of the daughters was burdened with all the care for all the time.
It helped that in this case, the grandma loved to move and set up a new home each time, and that she had some money to do so.
Another concern (and I have only skimmed the thread so perhaps this is mentioned already) is what if Mom winds up going through all her money - between her own expenses and “helping” your sister… and they all start expecting you to fill in the financial gaps.
That said: Few people “need” a baby grand. If the parents could afford it, that’s all well and good, but it’s rather more than a grandparent should be expected to purchase. Better to put that money toward college (or even the girl’s piano lessons). Oh well, neither your mother nor your sister asked my opinion :).
My mother left me nothing. She died and left everything to my brother and sister. I don’t know why she would do this or if it was just a mistake on her part. I was only 16 when she died and I still can’t figure out what was going on her mind.
She always used to tell me, “Mark if I die no one will take care of you, so you have to learn.” Then she taught me life skills like how to balance a check book, take the public transit, etc.
I was in college at 15 so it wasn’t a great a tragedy as it sounds, but you have to wonder out of a few hundred grand, my life would’ve been hugely different if I had been able to get even 10% of it.
To sum up, at times I would feel upset, but then again, if she had lived I wouldn’t have gotten a penny anyway, so the end result is the same.
Well, that sucks, Markxxx. Did your brother and sister offer to split their inheritance with you to make things more fair?
Not the central point of the topic at hand, but a baby grand generally doesn’t sound all that great because the strings are too short. A good tall upright sounds better than a baby grand. People who buy baby grands usually do so to make their living rooms look nice.