Death brings the assholes

People fucking suck, especially when they talk bullshit about you. Anyway here’s what’s happened.

My mother died almost a month ago. It was very sudden, she was only 51. She had no husband as my father and her got divorced many years ago. There are three children, me (31), my brother the Big C (25), and my half-sister who’s only 16. My brother and I are well out of the house and can deal with the death, or as well as we can. My sister lived with mom and my mother’s sister who we’ll call M. Then there are three other brothers and sisters of my mom’s. The brother, B, and one sister, V, and my grandmother all came out when mom died. That’s when all of this began.

My mother had a brain aneurism; she went to the hospital, then transported to a bigger, better hospital. To the best of my knowledge she was most likely dead when she got to the first hospital. We kept her on life support so that my brother, and the rest of the family, all of whom live far away, could come to see her.

That first night I had to do all of the paperwork for organ donations. That’s what my mother wanted so it wasn’t a problem. She saved a number of people so that’s good.

Anyway, the next couple of days were pretty hard on me since I had to pick up family, make the funeral arrangements, all the fun stuff. My sister told me that she wanted some sort of funeral, my mother’s family was really against it for some reason, but my sister wanted the friends to be able to come and see her so I had a viewing. I think this really pissed off the rest of the family, but I know that my sister is much better off for it so everyone else can piss off about that.

The same day my sister’s father, who we’ll just call Dickhead, wanted to take her out for lunch. Dickhead’s father and mother, plus my mother’s family all went as well. I didn’t have a problem with it because Dickhead never sees her very often. I don’t know Dick very well since my mother kicked him out after my sister was born because he drank and abused my mother. I hadn’t seen the guy in 13+ years.

So half an hour after my sister goes to lunch I get a phone call from my sister’s best friend, who had also gone, saying my sister was crying and wanted to leave. Since I’m trying to keep my sister from going totally crazy I went to see what was up. It seems that Dick was trying to tell her that she had to come home with him and it was really upsetting her. When I got there I talked to my sister, and tried to get her to go back to the table. When I went to talk to the rest of the people at the table, Dickhead got mad and left, Dickhead Sr. threatened to “Lay me out” more then once. Now this little pecker couldn’t have been that strong, and I ignored him. Dickhead Bitch told me I was being rude and ruining lunch, for what I still don’t know because I was trying to keep my sister at the table. After some real bitching and threats, we decided to leave the table, and let my sister eat lunch.

I, Iris, and my brother waited out in the lobby in case my sister got upset again. Lunch got over, and when everyone left not even my grandmother would talk to me. And to top it off Dickhead Bitch told my sister “Not only have you lost your mother, but your father as well.” Now what kind of fucking cunt would say such a thing? I know for a fucking fact that I didn’t say a word, I only wanted to try and help my sister. So you know what, my sister never had a father anyway, and there’s no way in hell that Dickhead is going to be one anyway, especially with Dickhead Sr and Bitch as grandparents.

For the next few days no one would really speak to me until the day before my Grandmother and V left. During this time I had to go to the courthouse and begin preparing my mother’s estate because there is no will. During this time I also have to help my sister figure out where she will be living.

Fast forward to last weekend. I went out to California where the rest of the family lives. I wanted to try and talk to B about my sister living there, and just take a bit of a vacation since I didn’t get one because of the death. B told me that he wasn’t taking my sister because she didn’t want to leave the house. Even though we talked for a few hours, we only talked for about a minute about my sister as if he doesn’t want to take her now. So I think, it will not be easy but she can live my M in the house until she graduates from high school. Until that is yesterday when I find out that M is leaving in August. So how about if someone fucking tells me? Or maybe tell my fucking sister. So basically my sister has no place to go. I cannot take her because I do not have the room. I refuse to let Dickhead even think about it.

To top it all off, because I now handle everything of my mother’s, it seems that the family thinks that I am selling the house and keeping all of the money. Where the fuck did this idea ever come from? Oh wait I know, you know nothing about me, and because you’ve always seen my father as wanting nothing but money I have to be that way. Well guess what, you don’t know either my father or me that well so stuff it.

So now I’m left with only two choices for my sister, one is for her to live with my Uncle B, which he has said she’s not doing. The only other choice then is for my sister to live with my father, who has no relation to her at all!

So, motherfuckers, since no one seems to want to talk to me here’s what I hope will happen. I hope that my sister does go to live with my father, he may not be her real father, or any blood at all, but he will be there for her unlike everyone else. And, I am taking the house, if M doesn’t leave, and keeping the money. Guess why assholes, because I don’t want my sister to have a ton of money at the age of 16, guess what she’ll do with it, what any 16 year old would do, spend it. Then how the fuck is she supposed to go to college? So when she gets to the age to go to college, she can tell me and I’ll fucking pay for it! Then, when she gets the fuck out of college she’ll also have a nest egg because there will be money left over. Plus, if by some strange chance Dickhead does happen to take my sister, he’s not getting a cent, I know how people are and then my sister will be out of fucking money.

So, to my sister’s father, you’re a fucking prick, I can’t stand you one bit, you treated my mother like shit, took money from her and never gave a cent for the raising of my sister. Dickhead Sr, don’t ever fucking threaten me again. I was trying to be civil but you were a cock at lunch so piss off.

To the rest of my family on my mother’s side, I didn’t say a fucking word about keeping any money. Try fucking talking to me before you try and guess what the hell I’m thinking, it usually works out. I have no intentions of keeping money that I know will help my sister. Yesterday you had my ex-uncle send me an e-mail about my behavior. I haven’t seen this guy in 20 years except once a couple of months ago. He knows even less so write your own damn e-mails. Plus get him off the fucking drugs and teach him how to construct at least a somewhat normal sentence. It took me 15 minutes to understand what the hell you were trying to say, and even then I hope I got it right.

Why the fuck do people have to be so damn dumb?

Wow. Actually, Edward, those people aren’t dumb. They’re just ordinary wealth fetishers. You, on the other hand, are wise beyond your thirty-one years. Your sister is lucky to have you. I’m sorry for your loss.

Edward, do you have a trusted attorney, CPA or some kind of investment advisor that can help you set up what needs to be done financially? They’ll help you avoid potentially enormous tax implications, plus give you the peace of mind that you’re doing things right.

So far, you’re golden. Hang in there.

Ehh. Wise, maybe, but you need to consider the law when it comes to placing your sister somewhere. She’s not emancipated, and technically, her father will have custody unless there’s something preventing him from having it. Definitely DO consult a family law lawyer before they decide to and get the jump on things.

A Lawyer can tell you what the options for your sister are without just being confronted by drama and argument from her side of the family.


P.S.- good for you for sticking up to the rest of your family in crisis.

First of all, condolences on your mother’s death.

Secondly, I’m a bit confused by this. Your mother had three children: you and your brother (both adults), and your sister (16).

Your current plan is to take all her money, keep it, and then use it to help your sister through college?

Shouldn’t the money be split 3 ways? Perhaps with your sister’s share being put into a trust of some sort that she can only use for education or when she turns 25, or something? Then if your brother and you want to help her out more out of your shares, you can?
In any case, as others have pointed out, you’d best be talking to a lawyer/accountant ASAP.

The ages aren’t surprising to me. My sister is 11 years older than I am, and I have one aunt who is younger than I am.

Kudos to you for caring for your sister.

Could someone love this 16 year old? What about the grandparents? Jeebus.

You need a family attorney like yesterday. It will be worth the expense, and most probably, if you set up some kind of trust for sis, the lawyer gets paid out of that.

IMO, you need to talk to brother and sister–hopefully together. Anyone else’s opinion and feelings don’t matter here.

I am sorry for your loss.

MtV: In any case, as others have pointed out, you’d best be talking to a lawyer/accountant ASAP.

Absolutely. ETH, I’m very sorry about your loss. But you absolutely do need to get your mother’s estate formally divided among her children (whether in three equal parts or any other arrangement that’s okay with all of you), with your sister’s part placed in trust for her future. Your taking it all and hanging onto it, even if it’s only to keep it to pay for your sister’s education, will just cause more resentment and misunderstanding.

Talk to your brother and sister to find out a mutually satisfactory arrangement, and then carve it in stone, legally speaking.

Sorry, I didn’t go into everything here and did leave some of it out. The estate must be split three ways. I have talked to both my brother and my sister about how we wish it to work. No one else in the family has even bothered to ask me what we wanted to do. Though after the e-mail I got yesterday they seem to think that I plan on keeping all of the money and not giving any to her.

I have talked a bit to a lawyer, though not fully. I will look into a trust for my sister.

As for my sister, being 16 she has a say in where she will live. My mother long ago asked my fater to take care of my sister if anything were to happen. As of yet though no one will tell me what’s supposed to be going on. I personally have no say in where she ends up going, though with her father not being in the same state, and a violent bastard he’s not getting her. I will have to ask my father if he has talked to a lawyer, I’m sure he has.

First off, my sympathies. My dad died unexpectedly this April. He and my mom were divorced (for four days) before he died. That leaves my three sisters and me as inheritors of his “estate” (one crapped up house and lots of debt). My sisters and I have always gotten along fairly well - now all of a sudden, there is friction and stress and people getting mad and leaving rooms and general ugliness.

I don’t know how things work where you live, but you might not have complete control over what happens to your mother’s estate. If you become administrator (and you have to apply for that here), you do make decisions and have responsibility for what happens, but you are also still responsible for the other inheritors (that is, your brother and sister) for what decisions you make. Since there is property involved, there will need to be probate (I believe) to sell it or whatever.

In other words, it’s really complicated, it will take a really long time, laywers will need to be involved, and people will get upset and ugly before it’s all done, if it’s anything like my situation. The only people who have a say or a stake here are you and your siblings, though. Your mother’s family can say anything they want, but they probably have no legal rights here. I agree with others - one of your first steps is talking to an estate lawyer.

Mucho sucko. My condolences, ETH. The good advice has already been given. Hugs to you and Iris, miss you both.

I feel so bad for your sister. Why can’t you take her? You have an extra bedroom, don’t you? It’s only for 2 years. Isn’t that better than sending her to live with someone who is not related to her? Or, take some of the money and get a bigger place. Or sell or rent your house and move in to your mom’s house with your sister. Your sister probably feels like no one wants her, which on top of being motherless at 16 must be really painful.

Best of luck.

She really doesn’t have that much of a say in where she lives. You mom’s wishes to have her live with your dad instead of her dad really have little bearing on the situation-especially since she left no will. Her father has legal rights to his daughter unless there is some legal reason why he should have limited contact with her. Notice I said “legal”. If he used to beat your mom, but she never got a restraining order or filed a police report, it’s hard to substantiate and Family Services may feel she is better off with her dad.

You need to contact a FAMILY LAW attorney for your sister’s interests. Trust me, people can be sneaky and nasty and play scorched earth games when they want their offspring back and you need to be prepared-more prepared than they are-if there is even a remote possibility that they might make a play for custody.


I should clarify this a bit-

Laws vary from count and state to county and state, but generally, a 16 year old will have more of a say than a 9 year old. If the courts/CPS/Family Services see a reason that she would be “better off” with her bio-dad instead of your dad, and don’t feel your sister’s best interests are being fulfilled, then they may decide to place her, instead, with her blood relatives.

That’s not to say that your sister has anything close to full control over where she ends up residing, but as long as she is making decisions that appear to the courts to be in her best interest, they might not interfere.


PS- IANAL, and the foregoing should not be considered legal advice. My only advice is to get a family law lawyer and to be prepared.

ETH, My sympathies on your loss.

Your legal situation reminds me of what my friend the attorney says:
In criminal law, you see bad people behaving their best.
In family law, you see good people behaving their worst.

I think you can arrange for all these legal expenses to be paid out of the estate if you get things all tied up good and proper.

I think this is horrible. There should be some kind of a clause in the law that says parents who financially and physically abandon their children have forfeited any right to them, regardless of circumstances. I’ve two sons whose father has been absent pretty much since day one, and it’s my worst fucking nightmare that something will happen to me and he’ll come out of the woodwork to take them away from everything and everyone they know and love. It would literally ruin their lives.

ETH–I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope everything with your sister works out for the best.

Then TAKE STEPS to ensure that that does not happen. Talk to any attorney-set up at trust or similiar, appoint a guardian in case of your death.

Please just don’t talk about it as a nightmare–do something.

All of this does take a great deal more time than one would think. We just set up trusts for the kids (d/t them being named as beneficiaries of a life policy from my sister who died last August)–it is finally done–after months of pestering, meetings, signings etc.

It’s a slog, but it’s worth it.

It IS a slog - that’s what we’re discovering. Two months later, and we are still wrangling with the lawyer to get an administrator appointed for my father’s “estate”, and nothing else can get done until the admin is appointed. I don’t want to discourage you, Ed, but this is a marathon, not a sprint.

I agree with eleanor, belladonna. Discuss it with the people who would be affected, make sure they are okay with becoming guardians, and have a lawyer put it on paper in excrutiating detail, and make sure the people involved know where your wills are, too. My dad might have had a will, but nobody knows where it is, so we have to act as if there isn’t one.

Well, Belladonna, that’s what family court is for. When faced with one parent who abandons their child, they are much less likely to switch custody or grant increased, court-mandated facetime with the child. However, in my limited experience with California’s family court system, the courts always try to get some amount of time with the abandoning parent, because it is for the good of the child-whether or not you agree with it, most child psychologists do. Also, financial support has little impact on visitation rights unless a judge specifically orders that support be paid to visit with the child.

Besides, most parents who run off on their kids and reappear are just going to do it again.

At 27 I went through something similar. Get a lawyer, talk talk and talk to your siblings and realize it’s going to take a while to get done. Good luck.

—evil grin remembering the conversation with my Aunts talking matter of factly about taking my Grandmothers plates and tablecloth that were handed down to my Mom. I was a little liquored up after the viewing and don’t remember if I said trespassers would be shot or arrested for breaking and entering and theft. I just remember wide eyes and them avoiding me after that.

(damn vultures, sorry for the mini hijack.)