Death brings the assholes

The BBQ Pit
21

So I’ve contacted a lawyer and have a meeting for Monday. I’ve no idea how a trust works, but I’m sure that I will soon be finding out. I have been appointed admin for the estate as only two people could do it, myself or my brother. Since my brother lives out of state I was the only one left that could do it unless we hired someone and that costs 9% of the estate.

As for my sister, while I do have the room, soon it will be time to start my own family and we can’t aford to move right now. I can’t live in my mother’s house because it would take me two hours to get to and from work. As of now only my father is the only one who wishes to take care of my sister, and he’s not related. Dickhead has already said that he does not want my sister at all.

Really I just needed to vent as all these people keep saying things to other people and not me, or lying directly to me.

22

Vent on, that is what the internet is for!

But to ask a really rude and blunt question…do you absolutely have to start your family now? Would waiting 2 years, and giving a home to your sister really destroy your world? Is there that much difference in starting a family at 31 and at 33? I would think that the absolute best way to keep her out of Dickheads hands would be as the direct sibling.

23

Hang in there, Ed. Sooner or later, when the vultures realize there’s no carrion, they’ll move along and wait for the next relative to pass on and hope for a more vulnerable family member to give them whatever the hell it is that they want.

Sam

24

Well lets just say that some things just can’t be avoided. If all goes well there will be even less room in the Eddie household early next year.

I would like to be able to buy a bigger house, but the housing market around here is just crazy. We can’t afford anything right now.

25

You don’t have room?

YOU DON’T HAVE ROOM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

And you’re calling someone else a dickhead?

She’s your fucking SISTER.

And you’re calling someone else a dickhead?

You think putting a little furniture in storage and buying a futon is preferable to sending her off to someone she’s not even related to? By blood or marriage anymore?

And you’re calling someone else a dickhead?

Oh, oh, here it is - you have to have a baby. NOW. That’s why your SISTER is being told she’s going to have to be shipped off to someone she’s not related to. By blood or marriage anymore.

And you’re calling someone else a dickhead?

Jesus freakin’ God, I’m sure glad my parents, whom I was estranged from at the time, didn’t feel that way when I was laid up in the hospital in a coma, and my son, on the verge of being orphaned (or so the prognosis went, thank God it was wrong) had no place to live.

For that matter, he and I lived together in a very small one-bedroom, one-bath house, yet we still cheerfully offered our home to a woman and her three kids for the winter because she needed extensive and expensive repairs to her gas plumbing and she had no place else to go (because, of course, all her friends with the 3- and 4-bedroom homes “didn’t have the room”). Fun? No! A real adjustment? Yes! But how could I say no when they were in dire straits? Sleeping on a warm floor was still better than sleeping in a cold bed. Eating a hot meal with your plate perched in your lap is better than eating cold cereal at your own table every night. Having to schedule your bathroom time to take a hot shower was better than taking a cold shower whenever you wanted in the winter.

Sleeping on the couch at your brother’s house is better than being shipped off to someone you have no ties to.

We in the western part of the world have it so cushy we’ve forgotten how the rest of the world cheerfully lives. Unless you are already six people in an efficiency apartment, I have a really, really tough time believing you “don’t have the room”. Even then, since there is apparently an estate big enough to fight over, that would be an excuse because presumably you could use the funds for a bigger place. “Nest egg” is all fine and good, but you aren’t doing any favors for her if she’s treated like a ward of the state becuase there aren’t enough funds to accommodate her now.

I think you need to get your own priorities in order before you start calling anyone else dickhead.

Oh, and, that “family” you HAVE to start RIGHT NOW? I hope to God, if something happens to you, whoever you choose to raise them in your place “has the room”.

26

I have to agree with what lorinada said… It’s kind of hypocritical that you’re criticizing others, yet you won’t take her in yourself, even though you’re a fully grown adult with gainful employment.

You have an extra bedroom, yes? Why can’t she sleep there? Even if you did have a baby, you’re not getting married until October, then a baby takes 9 months to cook, so that is like a year… by then your sister will be 17. Many parents have their infants sleep in the same room with them… or your sister can share the room with her niece/nephew. Heck, you’ll have a live-in babysitter/helper. Then before you know it, she’ll be 18 and off to college.

Or you could move. You are a two-income professional household, yes? And you’re getting some cash from the sale of your mother’s house, right? If you sold your townhouse, you’d definitely make a profit in the current market. Why can’t you get a bigger place?

Or, why can’t she live with your brother?

I feel so sad for that poor girl. Don’t you think she knows you have an extra room, don’t you think that hurts knowing you won’t take her in? :frowning:

27

Putting aside **Edward the Head’s ** priorities, which I don’t necessarily agree with, I think you need to read a bit more carefully. There is already a baby due at the beginning of next year. In short, the significant other is already preggers.

28

Gosh, let’s hope she’s not carrying twins, what with the one-child limit and all.

29

I have a brother and three sisters. Our parents raised us with an “all for one and one for all” attitude, and to this day any one of us would drop everything to come to another’s aid - and we’ve done so in the past.

There’s no question what I would do in your situation, Edward. I’d make room for my sister.

Before this turns into a pile-on, just let me say that the rest of your family aren’t the only assholes in your OP. You fucking make me sick.

30

Fuck you all. The guy just lost his mother and he’s having to pick up the fucking pieces while being sniped at. He’s clearly in ‘overwhelmed’ mode. Give him a break.

I had to pick up the pieces from my father-in-law when he died because Lady Chance, her brother, and her mom were in no shape to do it and even with no sniping it took me fucking months. Settling an estate from someone who died intestate and with a million loose ends ain’t a walk in the park.

Hell, it’ll be worse when my grandparents go. Three of us have an agreement to close on their house upon any word that they’ve passed on to prevent one of my uncles from ransacking the place. Damn relatives are more trouble than they’re worth.

Eddie. Just relax. Take a deep breath and get some perspective. I agree that you should try to make some room for your sister if you can but if you can’t that’s fine.

And you’re clearly feeling overwhelmed. The very best thing you can do is get a lawyer to run interference for you. Make sure the estate is valued properly and divided up among the three sibling (you, your brother and your sister) and tell everyone else to fuck off. That’s the only way to deal with people like that.

31

What a bunch of pricks. Judgemental pricks. Holier-than-thou pricks.

Fucking-A.

What you people would do and what Ed will do are totally different. To level charges that he makes you “sick” because he’s decided to let his sister live where her mother wanted her is preposterous. To rip the girl away from all she knows-and all that’s stable in her life-her friends, what little family is there and the surroundings of “home”, and move her 2 hours away to a place she doesn’t know at all or as much and expect someone who’s never raised a teenager before and probably isn’t too much older than her himself is also preposterous and insulting as all fuck.

Sometimes I am totally ashamed of my fellow dopers. Though considering all things, it doesn’t shock me that much.

Sam

32

^^^ No shit. These days it seems that people will pounce on anybody just for the sake of (lamely) trying to pull a reverse pitting. That’s jerkish behavior, if you ask me.

33

No judgments from here either way, Edward. You’re still reeling at the moment from your mother’s death at the moment. Most people groupe around in a fog after the death of a parent, much less when it was completely unexpected.

FWIW (not much) something somewhat similar happened in my extended family. The mother, who held the whole family together, died; father was an irresponsible alchoholic. The father couldn’t take care of himself, much less anyone else. Two much older sisters, both married and settled; one much younger sister in her early teens.

Both sisters refused to take the younger one in. She was left–at age 13–to act as caretaker for their drunk dad. I leave you to imagine what her growing up years were like. She lost her youth to being a caretaker instead of anyone–anyone–taking care of her. (I had just left for college so my mom tried to bring her live with her. She was blocked by a legal fuss.)

The drunk died fairly early, to the suprise of no one, but the damage–permanent damage–was already done. A rift was driven between those siblings that won’t ever heal. The youngest one gets along fairly well with one sister, but there’s enormous resentment and guilt under the surface. They never talk about it because no words can undo what was done. The stark fact: when she was grieving, bereft and vulnerable, her sisters rejected her. Full stop. Nobody wanted her. She knows it; they know it. And that decision will color all their lives for the rest of their lives.

You’ve been hit with a huge loss, too, EtHand it purely sucks, all of it. What sucks even more is that you’re faced with a hard choice just when you’re already buffeted eight ways for Sunday. But don’t underestimate the lasting consequences, on you as well as your sister, of the choices you make now.

Dealing with a teenager can be difficult, much an already deeply traumatized one. It’s not an easy decision, especially when you are starting your own family. The timing purely sucks, but so it goes. Choices resonate through families almost endlessly. Just be very sure you can eat what your choice now will put on your plate years on from now.

Good luck to you, no matter what you do, EtH. I’m not in your shoes right now, and neither is anyone else.

Veb

34

I think perhaps what Edward The Head is saying, is that his intended is already pregnant. Calm the fuck down, people.

35

Look at it this way - your sister living with you will be a built-in babysitter, and she’ll be ready to move out when the kid is old enough to not need so much baby sitting. How perfect is that?

36

Wow - way to kick someone when he’s down folks. I really don’t get what the problem is - there is a potential guardian (the step dad), who both wants to take sister in, and is the chosen person by the now deceased mom.

Ya know, it’s been a while since I was a 16 year old girl, but if I recall correctly, the idea of babysitting for a new infant in a crowded space with my brother and his wife really wouldn’t have appealed all that much. Gee - do I want to talk on the phone with my friends and gosip about boys, or do I want to keep it down because the baby’s sleeping - tough choice.

Obviously, if the girl was going to be on the steet, that would be a different matter, but there is a responsable adult with the inclination, recourses and OK from the parent wanting to take this girl in.

Frankly, I think many of you are acting like total cunts.

Ed - I’m sorry about your mom - I hope things get sorted for everyone.

37

Do you hate her or something? Does she have issues that you don’t think you can deal with? Does your intended dislike her? I just don’t understand why you have all this handwringing concern that stops short of having her live with you.

In fact, what I’m really seeing here is, “I’m the oldest, so I should be in charge. How dare anyone else have an opinion. And fuck you, Dickhead; now I get to stick it to you.” You don’t seem concerned for your sister as a person. She’s a pawn in all this, and I feel terrible for her.

38

Well said Jonathan Chance. EtH you have friends in the MAD community. Don’t be reluctant, bro.

39

Wait a second - has anyone asked what your sister wants, Ed? At 16, she’s pretty close to being self-sufficient; certainly old enough to be asked where she would like to live.

40

My question is, will the sister living with EtH’s dad enable her to stay in the community she’s currently in, instead of moving two hours away where she doesn’t know anybody except her new-married brother? (And would feeling like a third wheel and forced babysitter really be all that good for her?) I can tell you that as a 16-year-old, being forced to move away from friends/school/etc. can be a truly miserable experience; I had to do it, and I hadn’t even just lost my mother.

I’m sure there’s more to it than whether EtH has a spare bedroom or not. If moving in with him would tear her away from her friends/school/etc. right now, whereas she could stay right there with his dad, I think that sounds like a really good solution. Especially since that’s what her mom wanted. And she knows his dad wants her, and that her brother is trying to find the best solution for everybody.

He’s just trying to do the best he can in a really difficult situation, folks. Give him a fucking break.