I am sorry for your loss ** Edward The Head ** . Death does seem to bring out the worst in peoplem been there experianced that.
All you can do is try to see that your Mom’s wishes are carried out to the best of your ability.
Amen, Uvula. My mother had 5 siblings, and her mom died when she was 18. Her three younger siblings were left in a house with a drunken violent stepmother. Soon after, my newly married mother took in – at various times – her younger brother and 2 younger sisters. This is while my brother and I were babies. It was the best thing that could have ever happened for everyone – me, my aunts and uncle, and the whole family. My mother and father taking in my aunts and uncle SAVED them, and my subsequent cousins - and in the scheme of things, my family.
For an older brother to blatantly refuse his sister is a slap in the face while she is down, and I cannot imagine anything good coming from it.
<BALK> Sorry dude, but in my family, nary a nanosecond would pass before I would take in my siblingr. To think that someone would do otherwise truly makes me sick <see above>. You think HE’S overwhelmed?? Imagine being a 16-year-old girl, whose mother just died unexpectedly, who NO ONE wants, whose older brother has a house and a bedroom, but won’t take you… for no apparent reason. Now THAT is overwhelming…! :eek:
Yeah for real. This is a teen-aged girl, who would live with you for 2 years, tops. You have a 2-bedroom townhouse… what’s the friggin big deal? This is your flesh and blood we’re talking about. It might inconvenience you for a brief period of time - but this is her whole life we’re talking about.
Heh. Two hours? Yeah, that must be the “in really bad traffic” estimate. Where she lives and where Edward lives are pretty damn close. Like maybe two towns away… Isn’t that better that living with her mother’s ex-husband whom she has no relation to?
Disclaimer: I apologize in advance if any of this is inaccurate. I just don’t like what I’ve seen so far.
Sadly, this is typical when there’s a large age gap between siblings, or in this case, half-siblings. Edward and sister probably only lived in the same house for a few years, from birth to age 3, 4, maybe 6, so he’s probably never had to take her seriously. I noticed this attitude in his other thread about meeting the people who had received his mother’s organs. He didn’t think the poor helpless creature would ever be able to withstand the trauma of meeting someone whose life had been saved by her mother’s donation. It might give her bad dreams or something.
Edward, I don’t believe anyone is saying that you are obligated to let her live with you. And if you two are not close, then she probably shouldn’t. But I think it’s telling that you didn’t tell this story in MPSIMS, as in, “My mother died and I don’t know who my sister is going to live with”, or in IMHO as “How can I resolve this?” or GQ as “What can I do legally?” Your choice to Pit your family puts the focus on the grudge you have against your ex-stepdad, with your sister given all the dignity of a dining room set: you don’t know where to put her.
You haven’t told us anything about how your sister feels about this, except that her father made her cry—and that was presented as just one of the things YOU have to deal with. Why did you make her go back to the table, where the person who had made her so upset still was? Beyond that, has anyone asked her where she wants to live? Or is this her life: other people making her decisions for her?
I’m uncomfortable with whatnyctea scandiaca quoted from my post. Not that it wasn’t a completely legit use, mind, but I emphatically do not share her binary view, with EtH of course being selfish and indifferent.
The problem with even relevant family anecdotes (including mine) is that they’re never prescriptive. No two families are alike, and they’re all complex as hell. What works in one family might be a total disaster for another.
EtH is besieged, disraught and needed to vent. We don’t know all the details of his family’s situation. My post was intended to serve as a reluctant suggestion to him to keep his eye on the long view, even amidst the chaos. Nothing more.
Life isn’t a made-for-TV movie. Good eveing, loyal viewers. In this week’s script, Edward’s grieving younger sister comes to live with him and his pregnant lady. Everyone has a few adorable misunderstandings, then Edward becomes a paterfamilias, and his lady comes to love the little sis because she forgets her grief and loss in wonder and awe of the new baby. Everything settled! Cue the music…
All I meant to suggest to EtH is that it’s important–right NOW–to reassure his little sis that she’s loved, thoroughly and without reservation, and she isn’t just excess baggage to eveyone else’s grief. Her old way of life died with her mother, but she needs to flat-out know that she’ll have a solid basis for a new life. She’s old enough to have a voice and an opinion about where she’ll feel most comfortable rebuilding her life.
EtH already stood up for her by protecting her interests. Figuring out how to replace the irreplaceable, i.e. not only a home, but a home sufficient to help her regroup and recover, will take longer. All I wanted to point out is that the sister is probably too numb and devastated to care a whoop about money issues right now. The ultimate prize to keep focused on? Reassuring the sister that she’s not alone, and that she won’t be alone while she grapples her way out of the unthinkable and unbearable.
Veb
Actually, I think that’s exactly what you and others have said. Please re-read the end of this thread if you need clarification.
Sam
Please allow me to clarify, too - when I said built-in babysitter, that was mostly tongue-in-cheek; I was not advocating forcing your sister into a life of slavery looking after your kids. A 16 year old needs spending money and to feel useful and like she belongs, and you will need a trusted occasional babysitter. Nobody needs to take advantage of anybody else for there to be mutual benefit to a situation.
All right, I should have phrased that differently. In my second post, I had backed down from my initial reaction, and I am now more sensitive to the possibility that Edward and Sister have their own reasons why neither of them want her to live with him.
Though I hate to think of a scenario where she said, “Oh, can’t I live with you?” and he said, “Nuh, sorry, you can’t; we’re having a baby. C’mon, go back to the table like a good girl.”
I hope TVeblen won’t be offended if I quote this from her second post:
Again, it just seems to me that Sister is being treated like furniture, and no one is asking her what she wants. Maybe that’s not the case; I’d love to be wrong.
And I still want to know why he insisted she go back to the table, instead of taking her away from that very toxic situation.
And I did say I apologized in advance if anything I said was inaccurate.
This is the problem with people extrapolating on myriad possibilities of the situation…
Why don’t we all just back down a bit and let Ed’s rant stand as it is, let the advice given stand as it has, and leave the flaying alone for a while. THe dude’s been through hell, and when people die unexpectedly, things are spinning. I have no doubt in my mind that there are numerous reasons for Ed wanting things this way, and it’s none of our business to comment on it, or play armchair quarterback with his sister’s life.
That’s the problem. Everyone can back down now, after the nasty shit has been said, after the allegations have been made. Yeah, sure, it’s the Pit and all of that good crap, but piling on a person in his situation was uncalled for. Sometimes fighting ignorance has to be done before you hit the ‘submit’ button.
Does there have to be a sticky saying, “Don’t post about your personal business if you don’t want negative feedback”? He started the thread.
We’ve already got that issue covered. IIRC it says, “Don’t be a jerk.” Piling on someone in his present state of affairs is being a jerk, IMO.
With all due respect, responding to someone, even in the Pit, doesn’t translate into a requirement to flame. It’s not an invitation for warm fuzzies and cuddles either, but it’s not a requirement to reflexively flame either. (“It’s in the Pit! Disengage the brain, loose the gonads and ATTACK!”)
I volunteered to mod the Pit because I’ve seen a lot of threads evolve into thoughtful (though outspoken and decidedly non-PC) discussions that put GD to shame.
Edward the Head vented steam–rightfully–in the Pit. It was a tricky, though correct, placement. The associated perils go with it.
The OP might be down, but like apparently many other posters, I’ve several big issues with his statements. Namely :
-He seems to want to decide all by himself : where his sister should live, how the estate should be handled. And I can’t see how he could have any more right than his siblings to decide so. Why in particular should he keep all the money and decide who’s going to get it, when and for what purpose? What about his other adult sibling? What about his young sister? Why should she wait until 25 and would need the agreement of her older brother to use her money (asuming that’s legally possible). The OP really doesn’t appear to be overtly concerned with other involved people’s opinions, nor apparently with what the law could have to say.
-I couldn’t help but notice that nowhere in the OP the young sister’s wishes were mentionned. In particular about whom she would want to live with. Only the Op’s opinion is, and how things should be handled according to him. What does she think about living with her father, more specifically?
-Like many other posters, I’m shocked that the OP isn’t willing to take in his little sister on IMO poor pretenses (but nevertheless rant about other people doing the same). That said, if he’s unwilling to, she’d probably be better off living with someone else who’s willing. But then, maybe the OP should also let this other person try to figure out what the best for the little sister too. Or the sister herself, as far as it is legally possible. I’m not sure someone who isn’t willing to accept the inconveniences is the best person to make the calls.
Losing one’s parent is of course difficult, but reading the OP, I’m nevertheless strongly disturbed by his stance. Maybe there’s more to the story, but I can’t help feeling much more concerned about the young sister than about the poster. Worst, his words make him appear so controling to me that I’ve few confidence in the thruthness of the negative comments he’s making about other members of the family.
So, yes, ussually expression of sympathy should be expected, but in this case, from what I can gather, the OP is heading to what appears to me a really wrong direction, and other people besides him are involved and could pay the price of his attitude, so I don’t think criticicism is out of place.
This is what keeps me coming back here.
Those of you flaming Ed, maybe the best thing to ask yourself is what is your motivation for doing so? What outcome do you want here? Do you just want Ed to feel badly, or do you want to help Ed find a direction that works for everyone? Is attacking him going to get you want you want?
Damn. This thread is bringing out protective Mama Bear instincts in me. Edward, you’re one of my best friends and it is painful to me to see people treating you like this when you’re going through such a terrible time. I wish I could come over and give you a hug, but dangit, I moved to Atlanta.
Your mom made the decision during her life that your father would be your sister’s guardian if she should die. Your father agreed to this. I assume that your sister and your father know each other and aren’t total strangers, right? Anyway, you are following your mother’s wishes about what is best for your sister, and I hope that a bunch of quick-to-judge strangers on an internet message board won’t make you lose sight of that.
I’m sure that if there were no other options, if the plans your mother had already made weren’t in place and workable, that you would open your home to your sister. I know you care about her. I don’t know all the details of your family situation right now, but most of these people know even less. Don’t let them get you down, they’re just used to making up their minds and mouthing off without thinking.
There are a lot of us MADs and Ex-MADs who care a lot about you. Hang in there. Email me if you need to.
A lot of people (myself included) are really astounded/shocked/disturbed/offended that he won’t take his sister in. It makes an already sad situation many times worse. From my point of view, it’s the height of selfishness… but then again, I come from a very close, large, loving family; I guess he doesn’t. If this happened to any of my younger siblings (if I had any) or any of my younger cousins, I would be the first to step up and open my home to them. The outcome I would like to see if for Edward to reevaluate the situation and his attitude and offer to take his sister in, and ask her if she would prefer that to any other options.
What makes the situation even more disturbing and worthy of criticism is the hypocrisy and backpedaling, seen for example in the following statements:
Two posts later he says:
- Falsehood one: The guy lives in a two-bedroom home. He has the room. He changes his stance and admits it in statement #2.
- Falsehood two: If he’s getting a third of the profits from the sale of his mother’s house, plus the fact that he now has a two-income household, plus the fact he would surely make a hefty profit from the sale of his own house, surely he could afford a bigger place, if he wanted to. But clearly he just doesn’t want to. And IMHO, that makes me feel really bad for that poor 16-year-old motherless - and now familyless - girl.
Wow - do you feel better now that you’ve judged and condemned this man that you’ve never met, who’s in a shitty situation, and is trying to find the best solution for his little sister and getting nothing but a shit-storm from her family, his family and a bunch of bone heads on a message board?
Good, I’m so glad.
My God your a sanctimonious bitch.
I don’t see it as he won’t take his sister in, I see it as he isn’t taking his sister in. I feel confident that if there were no other options, that he would take her in. However, his mother already made provisions for her care, and he is following through on those. He also added that it would be inconvenient for him because of the lack of room given his impending family addition, but I think te more important issue here is that he doesn’t NEED to take her in because his father has already agreed to do so, at the request of his mother.
EtH, correct me if I’m wrong, but if it were the choice of your sister on the streets or your sister in your home, you’d take her in, right? But those aren’t the current options.
Err, she’s met him, to say the least.