In conversation yesterday I said to a co-worker that I have only a few rules in life: I try to be a nice person, and I try to do the right thing. She smirked about me trying to be a nice person, and when I pursued it, she made reference to the (admitted) fact that I am quite willing to criticize people, just not to their face.
Example: someone’s personality and resulting behavior is really annoying. They’re not doing anything bad really, I just can’t stand them. A not-nice person might feel free to tell them to their face that they are annoying, even if they really can’t help being the way they are. For me, I content myself with making fun of them behind their backs, especially to other people who (I have reason to believe) share my views about the annoying person. I am reasonably sure that these comments do not make their way back to the annoying person, but I can’t be certain.
Does this make me not a nice person?
In order to be a nice person, do I have to keep all these thoughts to myself? It seems to me that this way lies madness (for me, if not for other people).
She may be making a distinction between “being nice to people” and “being a nice person.” In her mind, perhaps, a nice person must either never be irritated by anything anyone does, or must never admit it out loud, at least not without appologizing for being irritated. Hard to tell from a distance.
If you’re harshly criitcizing others, because they annoy you, yeah, I have to vote you’re not a nice person, your brilliant rationalization notwithstanding. Nice people apply their talents to other, more productive and positive things.
There will always be things that annoy you, in life. No one likes to hear your critique of every annoyance, no matter how glib or righteous. It gets old fast and people will have difficulty seeing you as ‘a nice person’, as a result. Just my opinion.
I would guess that your friend is making the not unreasonable deduction that if you diss other people behind their backs to her, you diss her behind her back to other people.
Noone is perfectly nice, but I wouldnt call that nice, more just avoiding confrontation.
‘If you dont have something nice to say about someone, dont say anything’ is a pretty common saying. All of us occasionally say something, so its probably the frequency you’re doing it thats the issue, and maybe the tone.
Well, I think it’s worth noting that there’s a difference between being a “nice” person and a “good” person. A nice person, I’d say, makes other people feel good and largely stays positive. A good person does the right thing, even if that means making some people not feel so good. Of course there’s a lot of ambiguity in all that, but I you get the gist of it.
Anyways, I do the same thing. I mean, I don’t spread rumors or anything, but if someone’s being lame I don’t mind talking about it around friends. I don’t think that should overshadow being nice to the people who aren’t lame though. You can’t just choose to only talk about nice happy positive things. Well I suppose you could, but I think you’d be kidding yourself.
You don’t criticize them behind their backs because you are “nice”. You do it because you don’t have the guts (for whatever reason) to do it to their face.
The fact that your coworker would point out this flaw (you talking about people behind their back) makes me think that it’s something that is not a small facet of your personality. You are that guy. The kind of person others may be afraid to be less-than-perfect around and may come across–without knowing it–as a snob or judgmental. It’s kind of impossible to be a nice person and also that guy.
I’ve interacted with people who love talking about others behind their backs and yet often they DO come across as nice to people. But it doesn’t take long for them to develop a reputation for being a two-face. Always remember: the walls have ears. And just because someone acts like they agree with what you’re saying doesn’t mean they actually agree. They may be just being polite and trying to be good company.
I think your coworker may have rolled her eyes when you said you try to be nice and do the right thing. Doesn’t everyone try to be nice and do the right thing? Who would ever say, “Yeah, I don’t care about being nice. And doing the right thing? Pshaw!” It’s kind of one of those things that sound earnest, but then you think about it and it’s like, “What do you want? A pat on the head for ‘trying’ to be like you’re already supposed to be?” I’m just guessing that’s why she came down on you with the harshness. You kind of left the door wide open.
…quite willing to criticize people, just not to their face
…making fun of them behind their backs
These are not nice things. If I witnessed these things from you, I would not think you were a nice person. I would make sure people in my workplace didn’t associate me with you, and wouldn’t hang out with you outside of work. I haven’t become somewhat of a confidante at work by maligning people whether they know it or not - these things go around eventually. I give advice and encouragement, and do not talk behind people’s backs. I simply remove myself from situations where I may feel the need to pipe up negatively, (I suddenly have something else I need to be doing) and keep my trap shut.
How on *earth *did you come to think that it’s “nice” to talk shit about people to mutual acquaintances? That’s not nice, it’s passive-aggressive and truly quite poisonous. Not to mention dangerous–you really don’t know who is friends with whom outside the office. You might even end up unknowingly insulting someone’s family member.
If I get pissed off at someone at work, I vent about it online or (more often) not at all. If you really want to be a nice person, practice saying and doing nice things all the time–not just when they’re right in front of you.
Of all the things said here, this is the one that I can unequivocally disagree with.
Not reading someone off and hurting their feelings for no reason is both nice (although apparently not nice enough) and good. These aren’t bad people, they are just unable to function in society without rubbing at least half of everyone else the wrong way. Did I mention this is at work? The people I am talking about are people I have to continue to interact with as long as they are (or I am) still there.
For pretty much everyone else, you’ve given me something to think about. Thank you.
Roddy
I think criticizing someone behind their backs mildly if they’re being a douche is somewhat acceptable (i.e., “Jeez - what’s with him?”), but being hyper-critical of someone’s person - not their actions when they’re being a jerk but being annoyed and vocal about your annoyance simply because they exist - isn’t nice.
Also, as noted above, if this is something that other people notice and are willing to call you on, chances are you need to apply more filter to your conversation.
I hope you’re not playing the “I’m just telling it like it is” card. My mom uses that excuse to be incredibly bitchy to other people. That’s not very nice, either.
More to the point, I go by a reverse philosophy – if i have something good to say about someone, I tell everyone. If I have some criticism of a person, I try to speak directly to the person, and bring it up as constructively as possible.
I think criticizing people behind their back is not the best way to go.
If the OP has something to say/dis, the OP should say it to their face or it should directed to them, public or private, and not to any crowd behind their back.
The OP can be diplomatic or charming or nice or snarky… whichever is who the OP is inside. IMHO, talking behind someone’s back is not nice, not good, and is never a character attribute to brag about.
There is nothing wrong with blowing of some steam quietly to a likeminded coworker. For example, saying to a friend, “Gah I am so frustrated with such and such today!”
This
is not nice. Here, you go beyond expressing your own frustration to mocking them. How is making fun of someone ever necessary to get through the day? Real dick move, even if they are annoying.
I agree with those who say some people who appear to agree with you, actually think you’re an asshole, if you do this regularly. You would be better off blowing off your steam, if you need to, with people you don’t work with.
I think something done in the workplace can only be said to be nice if it makes it a better environment to work or at least doesn’t make it worse. Making fun of your coworkers behind their back absolutely makes it a worse place to work and moves you far from any definition of nice. It’s cruel and, more importantly in this context, divisive. It’s such an un-nice thing to do that I wouldn’t be surprised or have sympathy if someone were officially reprimanded for doing it and fired for repeated occurrences.
