I only communicate with people who I can relate to or that I find interesting. For the people who do not fall into those two categories, I only communicate if I need something from them or need to get something accomplished. Otherwise, I’m a pretty quiet person and not the type of person who talks for the hell of it.
This causes major conflict in my family, both immediate and extended. The above “rules” also include some family members. Some of them I can’t relate to nor I find them interesting. Therefore, I seldom talk to them when I see them, nor I make phone calls when I don’t see them. However, I don’t think anything bad of most of these relatives. Because of this, I am called arrogant, insensitive, uncaring, selfish, socially inept…you name it. I disagree. It’s just that I don’t have much to say to certain people. What are your thoughts?
Doesn’t sound too different from my situation. I used to have a lot of problems communicating with my family. That’s mostly gone away in the last few years, and I know find that we can keep up conversations reasonably well. Back in my late teens, though, I got hammered for my lack of willingness to talk all the time. Upbraided, sent to psychologists, you name it.
I still have trouble starting up conversations with people who I don’t know very well. When somebody sits down at a table with you and you’re not aware of any common interests or experiences, how are you supposed to go about chatting with them?
If you’re acting like a complete jerk about it when you are “forced” to deal with these uninteresting types, then perhaps you are arrogant. If you just don’t interact easily, then no.
Myself, I am a shy person and I also don’t enjoy talking to people who I can’t relate to. I keep my interests to myself unless I know you very well. For this, I am considered conceited, arrogant, aloof, vain, and a bitch. People have admitted that before they got to know me, these were the traits they’d use to describe me. They also said I have this conceited look on my face. I don’t smile much if I don’t know you, I just keep to myself (I’m very shy).
I understand you to a degree but again, if you’re being an asshole to others, then you’re arrogant. You don’t sound as if you look down on these people or that you respond coldly. It’s hard to judge not ever having been around you but I’m thinking you’re not a jerk.
Not everyone is a social butterfly even around family. Does this bother you that they label you as such? If it does, then I really doubt you’re cold. My brother is aloof, vain, and deems most of the human race as dull or downright stupid. I know this for fact because I grew up with the jerk (I use this lovingly). Most people do not have his intelligence or enjoy his bluntness. That’s the way he is but he could be a bit nicer to others. He just doesn’t care. He doesn’t show emotions much. Anger or annoyance are the two I’ve mostly experienced… he’s just like our father. He doesn’t chitchat, he says what needs to be said and I really feel for his girlfriend sometimes. Yikes! Forgive my hijack… anyway, hope this helps you.
If you don’t talk to them, you won’t know if they are interesting or not. Some people become more interesting when you get to know them better.
If you let them know that you only talk to people you find interesting or useful, then you are insulting them when you don’t talk to them.
How exactly does this work for you on a practical basis? When you sit down to a family meal, for example, do you pointedly ignore the three people you find uninteresting, ignoring their questions and comments? Do you only acknowledge the presence of two other people in the room?
I can see how idle chit-chat with co-workers you don’t care for is a waste of time for you, but simple politeness towards others goes a long way to greasing the skids on your life. Imagine how others may feel, trying to get you to notice them. They apparently like you at some level, or they wouldn’t be upset by your withdrawal from social interaction. They just want you to like them, too.
So yes, your behavior could be construed as arrogant, even though it may just be shyness and social awkwardness that keeps you from making emotional connections within your family.
Now I don’t think you have to call people you aren’t close to on a regular basis…aunts, cousins, nephews…unless you are living in each other’s pockets, they can be neglected. But parents, siblings, spouses and children cannot.
I forgot to mention this in my OP, no, I’m hardly ever mean to people. Just kind of aloof and sit there and watch others converse. If they talk to me, I’ll talk back. There is one family member I do actively ignore at times, but there is a legitimate reason IMO. She talks a whole lot of “crazy talk” (Hey she’s the one that made it up, hehe)
Also, this just isn’t with family, this is with anyone. You’ll never see me strike up a conversation in a line at the grocery store.
So, you don’t talk to people you can’t relate to, or find interesting; I know a woman like this (a sister of my husband’s best friend’s wife, if you follow that) who doesn’t talk to anyone but her sister or her husband at social gatherings. There comes a point after we’ve socialized together a half-dozen times, and she still won’t say anything except hello to me, where I just write her off and don’t bother trying to talk with her anymore.
From what you’re saying, Themis, this is how you act to people in your social circles who don’t interest you. I guess I don’t interest this woman; do I consider her arrogant? Kinda, yeah, because she has made no effort to get to know me, to decide whether I was interesting or not, in spite of all the overtures I made to her. And it’s not really that big an effort; I’ll talk to anyone who’ll talk back. I can’t really say if this is arrogant or not. I do know that I have a heck of a lot more fun socializing if I talk to people than if I just sit there and say nothing to anyone.
No, I just don’t look at people and decide that I can’t relate to them or I find them uninteresting. There are exceptions, sometimes physical appearance gives me a clue that we won’t relate. But, otherwise I write people off as having nothing in common with them or being uninteresting AFTER I DO get to know them.
I think whether or not you are empirically arrogant may be irrelevant. Since in this situation, the problem is other people’s perception of you, rather than what you actually may be. If you’re not taking an interest in someone by striking up conversations with them, is it not natural for them to conclude that you’re not interested in them? Maybe you’re just aloof, maybe you’re shy, or introverted in some other way. To most extroverted people, introversion is easily mistaken for snobbery, especially if the introverted person has good looks or a big brain.
If you care enough about what certain people think about you, I would recommend that you suspend your rules of conversational engagement for the purpose of developing positive and strong relationships with people who are important to you.
For the people whose opinion of you that you don’t care enough about – the grocery line scenario, for instance – screw 'em! Who cares what they think?
You seem to limit yourself unnecessarily – making rules where none are needed, taking clues from how a person looks. You can miss out on some incredible experiences that way.
If, on the other hand, you sit quietly and observe or listen as others talk, you may become a writer. Or a comedian.
How true! I’m of the opinion that EVERYONE has something intresting to say. (that sounds like a famous quote now that I think about it.)
As somewhat of a talkitive person myself; I’ve always found that the quiet ones have the best stories to tell. The only problem is you just have to draw it out of them. Which to me can be fun at times. Also, awkward people have great stories to tell as well as long as you can get them to keep the stories coherent.
Agghh this woman sounds a little like me. I would go to my husband’s family gatherings and would be totally ignored after the initial greeting. I used to dread these get-togethers until I just refused to go and be humiliated further. Funny thing is I’ve led a far more interesting life the the lot of them put together but none of them bothered to get to know me.
Back to the OP. No I don’t think you are arrogant but I know a guy similar to how you describe yourself and we get along very well even though most people give him a wide berth. Thing is we all have different personalities and you can’t please everyone. Some of us are just quieter and more selective.
Ditto. And I’d toss in a “rude” there as well. You can let people know what your interests are, ask about their well-being, share an anecdote that might brighten their day…and you might actually find that you share some interests.
And how exactly is it that you make such determinations without communicating with the person first? You just make assumptions about what people think and who they are?
Your “rules” are a good way to retard yourself socially. Sounds like it has been pretty effective…
When it comes to family members, fake it. Feigning interest in Aunt Maud’s hip surgery won’t kill you.
Did you try and get to know them? Ask about their jobs, their kids, their travels? It’s a two-way street. You can’t expect people to get to know you if you’re not willing to put in commensurate effort.
My mother-in-law is a dear woman, and I like her a lot, but she rarely asks me about my life. However, all I have to do is ask her about her class (she teaches 5th grade), and she’s off, sharing funny anecdotes, telling interesting stories. It’s a great and entertaining way to have a conversation with her.
Again, I observe previous conversations. The conversation could be with me or with someone else. Usually it is with someone else.
As for my “rules” being a good way to socially retard myself, I say that’s kind of debatable. I used to be pretty socially inept and there’s still some room for improvement. I used to not talk because I couldn’t! Now, it’s because I won’t. I had this attitude all of my life, but it is steadily getting worse since I started college. What’s ironic is that the more selective I am, the better my social skills get…IMO of course. When I started college I decided I no longer wanted to be an anti-social dork. I went greek, I got a job as a server, got involved on college campus, and got involved at church. A lot of those people had great social skills and some of that rubbed off on me. Like I said, there’s still room for improvement. I don’t think that is a coincidence.
I wish SDMB had an edit button, so I can put this in my OP…In my book, uninteresting=socially inept…usually. It does mean other things, but that’s the main thing. If I pick that up, I try to get far far away from that person I possibly can. I don’t be rude, and I talk back if they talk to me, but I don’t strive for any further relations. I don’t see this as arrogance, since I don’t think I’m a social butterfly myself. In other words, I don’t think i’m better than other people. However, I can I learn to be a better communicator if I communicate with people who have the same or less social competence than I have?
No, not like a set in stone “gosh, he missed his line what do I say next?” kind of script. I mean a set of, well, groups of appropriate openers and responses. I’m intensely shy in person, and for years was completely baffled by the very question you ask. Then I got a job waiting tables. It was amazing–just having a sort of pre-set process, where I knew basically how things would go, and what I was supposed to say, really helped me learn to talk to people, and helped me assemble a list of “appropriate things to say.” You’ll have to make your own list. But it might help to know that most causal social interactions are actually very structured. Most conversations between strangers and acquaintances are very formulaic, meaningless in themselves, just a sort of “Opening hailing frequencies, Captain!” kind of thing. You start there, and maybe offer a little information, and then see where things go. I’ve found it a help, anyway.
This is so true. I’m a quiet person by nature, but I ask other people questions about themselves (and listen to the answers!), and I could almost be mistaken for someone sociable because of this habit.
Also, what Bren_Cameron said. People in the same social situation as you are probably feeling about the same as you - awkward, or quiet, and would love to have someone come over and ask them a fairly standard conversational question. We all have some things in common - where are you from, what do you do for a living, any interests or hobbies, the weather (very cliched, but it does start conversations).
As for the OP, I guess it comes down to what do you want to get out of socializing. Or if you don’t want to socialize at all.